SIL used my baby name

Sorry, I see I got it wrong and SIL is DH's sister.

Disappointed - yes.
Hurt - no.

It wasn't done to have any impact on you whatsoever.

There is no reason for you not to use the same name. The children will have different surnames - I have a friend and she and her sister both had a daughter with the same name. No one thought anything of it.

And what if you only have girls? This whole thing will be redundant anyway.

I don't think this is exactly about the name thing, I think it's the fact that you have had two very sad losses, and it's tapping into all the completely understandable emotions from those.

Try not to mix the two things.

AIf its a family tradition then continue it!ll I can say is that I was named after my maternal grandmother being born 3 weeks after she died, and then 2 of my Mums siblings also gave their daughters the same name several years down the line. Now I know we are a large family (I have 30-40 cousins) but we are all relatively close and to be honest its not a big issue.
My Dads side of the family also had a tradition that the men had the same first name, 2nd initial and surname - so for example grandad was Jamie Logan Blyth, Dad Jamie Luke Blyth and my brother is Jamie Lewis Blyth - it got a bit confusing when all three lived in our home as post came for J L Blyth but that was the only problem.

I wish you well in creating your family.

I thnk you're projecting your grief onto this, finding something to vent about.

If she didn't KNOW that was to be your baby's name she's done nothing wrong. If she did know, she's been insensitive.

But holding and nurturing this anger about what is only a sound, when it comes down to it?

I'd recommend you find yourself a therapist and talk it through with someone who can help you find perspective, and let it go.

What's in a name? A rose, by any other word, would smell as sweet.

She just made her choice.
She didn't use your baby name.
Sorry about your experience so far and best of luck.

You need to let this go.
I hope you get your baby soon 🙏🏼

It's sad but if she did not know then she meant you no harm. So sorry for your losses. Miscarriages are hell.

My DB's middle name is our DM's maiden name (so a 'family name'). It doesn't mean that only he or his offspring can use it. Had I decided to use it for my child I wouldn't have asked his permission, and nor would our DS have done so.
I am so sorry to read of your fertility issues and I wish you all the best but I think it's clouding your judgement on this one.
Two of the girls names I loved for my DD were chosen by family members as their dogs names... don't know what that says about my taste (or my luck) but I found something else. Also, you could still use the name as a middle name, especially if it's got familial links.

Well we she’ll see how she feels if op decides to use it…

I just have this hunch that the laissez faire vibe might be less apparent at that juncture.

@Calliopespa that's what I meant, unfortunately there wasn't any thought about OP's losses and how she may feel about this use of her husband's middle name. It would have been more sensitive for a sister to speak to her brother about the family name tradition in advance. For me it comes back round to those who haven't experienced difficulty conceiving and loss having no concept of what some of us go through. And not being bothered to ask / show a bit of kindness. My own in-laws were similar with their insensitivity and it has tarnished my feelings towards them.

I'm so sorry you are hurting but YABU - you'll have to try hard to avoid focusing on this

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I don't think she was being insensitive or thoughtless, particularly when you never said upfront that was the name you wanted to use one day. She is entitled to choose the name she wants to her baby.

Also not everyone feels so strongly about repeating names, she might be like that and don't even consider this could cause you any upset. If you really like the name use it in the future, it's not like your child will be less special or unique just because his cousin has the same name.

I might have missed this detail but did she know your name plans? If she did then yeah, I think that's actually not OK.

This. Why can’t you still use it? The cousins won’t be joined at the hip and it definitely won’t be a problem when they are adults

I think you're getting a hard time over this. Yes, of course nobody owns a name, yes it's fine for cousins to have the same name (there are about 16-25 Marias and Michaels in my family after my great - grandparents) yes, you shouldn't have to follow a tradition blah blah.... BUT she has taken the established naming pattern in her family that would be reserved for the first son of the man with that middle name - your husband. It's very tone deaf and unkind.

I'm sorry for your losses and I would have thought that somebody else in the family, PIL at least would have said 'hold on, going by the tradition we use that's the name that OP and husband DH will have for THEIR son.'

What a drama over a name!
you do know that there’s a possibility that you may never have a boy, but a girl instead?

Given the usual circumstances (middle name tradition) it’s a bit strange that they used it without saying anything.

I would still use it. The tradition gives you a strong justification if they say anything.

One thing though - I personally wouldn’t like the expectation of naming my child after my partner’s middle name. I would want to pick my own name, not use essentially somebody else’s choice. I understand you may feel differently, particularly if you like the name.

I’m sorry about your struggles. I’ve also had multiple miscarriages, 3 before I had a living child. It makes things very hard emotionally. Wishing you all the best.

DS2 has my DB's Christian and middle names. I never considered his wife who had no DC at the time. We had also never discussed (and still haven't), why she is childfree. I always figured if she wanted me to know she'd tell me.
Twenty years later, they do not have DC but have a lovely bond with DS. Another cousin shares DS's first name and the middle name has become a family name. If your SIL did it knowing how you felt I'm sorry, but I can tell you I did it because I liked his Christian name (I have five DB). It's George so not exactly rare or outing and the middle name was a tribute to my dad who died nine months before DS was born. I'd never have knowingly hurt SIL, only she (and her DH) know their motives.

I’m so sorry for your loss but your SIL has done nothing wrong. YABVU but understandably so due to grief.

What if you had girls in the future? Would you suffer from gender disappointment?

But while I agree with some of this, saying it probably didn’t cross their mind is kind of exactly what the op is upset about: thoughtlessness.

There are lots of posts about what people are “entitled” to do and whether they “own” a name and other very clinical approaches.

None of them are wrong - certainly not from a legal point of view . But what gets missed out in these conversations is just a bit of kindness. People natter on about “Be Kind” but these days it is used more in the context of “ just don’t dare have an opinion about what anyone else does.” But our actions do impact others and it wouldn’t have taken a genius to think perhaps it might have been sensitive to ask op and DH if they were hoping to use that name, rather than making op feel they leapt in first, or wrote her off as ever having a baby or simply didn’t even consider her and her DH’s feelings about using his middle name for a nephew.

No one will say "that's So and sos name" though

There will be at least nearly a year between them (if it ever happens)

My brother and one of my cousin's kids have the same name. No-one said anything. There's a few years between them.

It's definitely misplaced grief over your infertility issues

This is his family, his partner and the child they will make their own family with - not some random person. Her partner is upset they’ve used his name too. Lol at just a sister being more entitled to use his name than his own immediate family!

I understand why you are hurt. Yes of course she can choose a name that she likes but if you have told her of the much loved baby name before and also used dp name , which you might have used as a middle name , I'd say it's inconsiderate. But again she's free to choose.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses . I dont think SIL was being hurtful ,she just liked the name. TBH . What if you had just girls in the future? The name wouldnt have got used then at all.I would try not to dwell on it .Try to stay positive (no easy I know ) Sending hugs xx

So why are you hurt? She didn’t know.