SIL used my baby name

Out of interest, would you have referred to OP as his 'current wife' if you thought they were married? I suspect not.

(I'm not actually interested in the answer, I'm just trying to make a point).

The stopped teaching logic in schools…

When some some says partner I use the term partner. Not spouse. I was going with the OP’s language. In my day it was just boyfriend or girlfriend. If said “his former partner or spouse” you would have thought I was treating them as separate things.

Yes marriage is different but today that seems to come after moving in together her and perhaps kids. I will spend no more than 3 seconds thinking about how they are currently partners and not spouses.

Is this his first attempt at parenthood? Is it hers? Is it both? Is it secondary infertility with this new partner? They could be 28 and both have a 4 and 6 year old separately with other partners. Together they have had miscarriages. If he had a child before with someone else maybe she had reason to think he wasn’t going the traditional route in naming.

I hope they have as few or as many babies together as they want.

Good grief, try reading the thread next time before posting such garbled nonsense.

I've observed a strange school of thought on Mumsnet where couples who aren't married are considered 'less than' married couples. Even if those couples are trying to, or have, conceived.

I get the feeling from your responses that you would agree with this, so I don't think we're going to agree on this either.

Friends of ours went through years of infertility (they were married 17 years before their DS was born). Their DS shares a first name and surname with an older cousin but the older one is known as Benjamin and the younger as Ben (not their actual names).
MIL shares a first name (think Elizabeth) with multiple family members. They all use different forms of the name - Liz, Eliza, Betty, Lizzie, Beth, etc.
OP is it a name that can be given but on a day to day basis used in a different form?

She refers to him as DP in the first post. This is not a spouse. He could have had a prior partner with whom he had a child and shown not to follow this tradition. And just cause his sister followed tradition does not mean he will. It will be combination over him and the other parent of the baby to decide or not. This is not even her family’s tradition. Why is this such a big deal to her?

What does her family do? Why not do her family tradition? Why not name through a means they like and start a new tradition?

No, but given it is a family tradition (and one that SIL followed) perhaps SIL could have done the courtesy of asking before she gave her son that name.

Also... 'current partner'?!

Does the partner have kids with a prior partner? If so and he was not traditional at that time or went with the partners tradition perhaps the sister assumed he was not a traditional guy?

No one knows if he will do the tradition cause he does not have children yet, or at least not with his current partner.

Everyone is saying you’re being ridiculous but I’m on your side OP.

If it was tradition in your DH’s family to use dads middle name as first name for child, I can understand that going through losses and infertility and not having that opportunity yet to do so yourself - having someone else take that away from you feels like a massive slap in the face and every time you see baby for a while you’ll think about it.

Some people just don’t think, and like you say, I doubt it was done maliciously.

It doesn’t matter what others think on mumsnet, if you and DH are hurt, then you’re hurt.

There is nothing you can do now, so I would continue focusing on your journey and when the time comes you can still use DH’s middle name.

I’m so sorry about your losses,xx

As an 80s kid I can confirm that almost all the boys were called James, John, Mathew or Mark 🤣

A huge reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaach I’d say.

That's quite the reach.

Their family tradition, which SIL stuck to, means her brother calls his son after his own name. Not that SIL calls her son after her brother!

OP and her husband have lost two babies over the past year and now SIL has given her child a name that she knows is for her brother to use for his first child.

Feel sorry for the child born to such a thoughtless mother.

Having read and update, I now feel very sorry for the nephew who's uncle doesn't want to share his name with him.

There is one other thought, OP. You may have chosen a name for your hoped for baby but when the baby comes that may not be its name. You may choose something else, or re-arrange the names to suit this new, unique person. I hope you have your family soon, meanwhile, your SiL doesn't seem to have meant to hurt you.

No, of course not. Just as my Mum never asked for anyones permission to give him the name. Why would she? It's a name. Also, as my brother had already used my name for his first daughter, that would have been ridiculous. Also, what uncle wouldn't be proud to have a nephew named after them?!

The boys in the family all have a first or middle name in common with our Dad too. Who would be more entitled to use it in a world where we have to ask permission for names? The oldest? But what if they never have a boy?

Names don't belong to anyone. It's very sad about the Op and her losses and hopefully she'll have a beautiful baby of her own one day. And still uses the name she has her heart set on. I just don't think she's more entitled to it than other family members.

She did nothing wrong. You need to move on. You may have girls & never even have a boy, so all the upset may be for nothing.

Well put.

Not only is it a family tradition, it's a family tradition that the SIL followed with her own first born, so she should have considered that her brother would do the same. There are plenty of other names she could have chosen.

In general, I don't believe people own names. But I do think family should show consideration towards one another.

SIL (OP husband's sister) knows and understands the naming traditions in her own family. SIL even stuck to it in naming her first child, so she knows how it works. So safe to say SIL also knew, that in naming her second child, she was using the name that was meant to be for her brother's first son. Her brother and his wife (OP) have recently lost two babies through miscarriage - that name might have been one of their names, if born a boy. In that context, SIL has been really, really, horribly insensitive.

No wonder OP and her husband are so hurt.

OP wishing you and your husband peace with your SIL's decision and hoping a beautiful baby joins your family soon.

Traditions are not typically a daughter thing. The first child may have been named after the father’s family tradition. And it just coincidence. The OP’s SIL’s husband. Or the SIL didn’t care to care to follow tradition. So Jane Louise Kane married Tom Joseph Kelly. Jane’s brother is Kevin Patrick Kane. Jane and Tom named boy 1 Joseph Kelly and they just named boy 2 Patrick Kelly. And Kevin and the OP are upset cause they want to name their future 1st son Patrick Kane? Not a big deal.

So Tom did Jane’s (SIL] dream and they named baby 1 Joseph. Now they have baby 2 and Tom wants to use Patrick. Jane says but Kevin would use Patrick. Tom says they would have different last names, I like the name. Jane says I like the name also. Tom says Kevin might be a girl dad besides. We should name our baby. They can name their baby. Maybe if there are two Patrick’s one day there will be a nickname. Or maybe in 3 years one of them will move farther away and the get together less often? Or maybe Kevin will have girls? Why not use a name that may go to waste you like? Or maybe Patrick is Tom’s uncle’s name or his mom’s dad’s name who only had daughters and he knew grandpa Patrick and wanted his name to go on. It was his wife’s naming tradition for the first baby. It’s time his family is considered. If you are around these people a lot you must normally like them well enough. And they are family. Why be a jerk about this?

Suck it up.

I know you had losses, every family does it different, they might have supposed you named the losses and already applied the tradition. Depending on how far along you were. Losses often named after a family member. But who would dare ask? Some are upset they named a baby after their miscarriage that no one knew, or their wife’s miscarriage with a former partner even more remote. Also a suck it up situation.

In a year this won’t be a problem so when spend time and energy on being upset over this? Maybe it’s to distract from actual things to be upset about?

His (only) middle name? Do people have several? The more updates there are the more upset I get that you are being unreasonable. A child has been given an identity by his parents. No one cares another person doesn’t not like the name. Pick a different name if you have a son or do the tradition and the boys will have different last names. Use their full name if both together or a nickname. Or don’t hang out with them. Maybe the name also happens to be on his side of the family and they used it for a tradition he has. When you follow a tradition in naming a baby you are not naming a baby. Your great great someone named your baby cause if a name they gave your great someone that name. Makes it even more ridiculous to be upset. Or maybe they really like the name and as they did a tradition for the first baby wanted to actually pick a name for a child for once. My neighbors the husband was Greek. They could not pick a name until the 3rd son. The first and second son and first and second daughters are prescribed names. So maybe they picked a name they loved which happened to be her brothers middle name. It’s not even his first name.

I have a lot of sympathy for you op and I can understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately it's just another shitty thing that can happen when ttc takes longer than you'd want it to. It's not fair, no part of what you've been through is and your feelings make perfect sense. But they also are a bit misplaced. I don't think anyone in this scenario is unreasonable. Its reasonable for your sil and bil to use the names, it's reasonable for you to be sad about it.

I also agree with others you shouldn't be placing blame on sil... this was clearly a joint decision between her and your bil.

I know it feels hurtful right now, but there are millions of people in the world with the same name. For example, my Mum and 4 more of her girl cousins all have the SAME name - their maternal grandmother. Only one was ever known by the name! For example, my Mum is known by the Gaelic version of it, someone else by their middle name, someone by a shortened version, etc. It happens. Hopefully you will go on to have a boy, who you can call that name; but what if you have 4 girls? Then I assume you might not use the name....