SIL used my baby name

I accidentally did the same thing when my eldest was born. I didn't know that my BIL and wife had chosen the same name, it was a name she had wanted for years. We hadn't made it common knowledge our choices and wasn't till after she was born and named that I found out how upset my SIL was.

Hi op,

First of all, I am sorry for your losses. I am sorry that you have to see another woman doing exactly what you want to be doing and have to feel she also got to use the name you wanted coz she did first. It is and will always be hurtful to you and nothing can change that.

Our dreams of motherhood or lack of, can hurt us so deeply. But, your SIL is JUST the person you can have a go at. She isn’t the reason why you are so hurt. The name isn’t either. You are grieving. And the fact you might not be able to use this name makes it even more real.

Please be gentle with you. You are ok to be angry. You are ok to be sad. You are ok to not want to see SIL and her babe. Do whatever you need to. You are grieving. Anybody saying anything and tell them that. You are grieving and you will feel better about it all when you will. End of.

Get some help if needed. Find peace 🌺

I think it’s nice they (not just your SIL) have named the baby after her brother in some way.

I don’t believe that names should be reserved for a baby that might not even be born - you could end up with all girls and this might be a completely moot point.

I can see why it’s really difficult for you to deal with but I do think YABU and it won’t take long before you can’t see your beautiful nephew as having any other name.

Have read the first and last pages, but not the whole thread......... sorry, but you are BU...... there's absolutely no guarantee that you will ever have a son : you could have four girls!

This is very unkind of them, however I suspect this is just the tone deaf behaviour of people who have never experienced loss or infertility and they were probably thinking they were being kind honouring your partner in case you never have a chance to do it yourselves. It's totally thoughtless and they should have checked with you first knowing that's the tradition.

Good luck on your journey

YABU Nobody owns a name.

I wonder, did she know it was your wanted name? I have a son, let's call him Tom and my brother has a son, let's call him Bob. My SIL with another brother then had twins after and called the twins Tom and Bob which I thought was super weird. I also later was accused of using another SIL name but I didn't have a clue about. If she didn't know, of course it's OK to have feelings about it but no one did anything malicious. If she did know, and knowing you had miscarriages then that is a B move.

Such a mn post you do not own a name lol

The family tradition is the kicker, here. Clearly she is well aware of it as they used it to name their first child, and also that the two of you are trying for a family and would have wanted to use that name for a future child.

So yes. You both have every right to be annoyed. Them choosing the name is cruel.

I really hope your DH has a word with them about this. They should explain their reasoning, at the very least.

I think they probably thought it was nice to name the child after his uncle. My eldest daughter has my sisters name as her middle name, my sister was delighted & went on to include my name as her daughters middle name years later.
Don’t be upset, they meant no malice I’m sure. I can also see why you feel upset. Fertility problems and baby loss is so hard xx

It’s a tradition in the SIL’s family. But we have no idea about her husband’s tradition. The already named baby’s dad. He isn’t the OP family. She still is so insistent on it only being about her family or her husbands family she is completely forgetting the father of the named baby who might just like the name, the name might be present in his own family and chosen for that reason. With names it is who gets their first. And they don’t have the same last name. There could be a Patrick Kane and a Patrick Kelly as cousins. This is totally stupid to waste time over.

Any chance it's a misplaced way they thought of honouring your dh

I think this is really insensitive and completely tone deaf of your BIL and SIL to do this/ and just really hurtful tbc. Going through loss is hard enough without someone punching your husbands middle name ans it now being a constant reminder of your loss and grief. Initially when I read this I thought maybe the parents didn’t know that they used your baby name or that you can’t “reserve” a name/ but the way you’ve explained it that the tradition is that the boys take their dads middle name is so hurtful and so triggering. As someone who has gone through multiple pregnancy losses I would find this very very difficult. The only comfort I can give you is that I hope the child is a source of love and comfort for you thag he carries your husbands middle name ❤️ sending lots of good wishes for you and your husband

I think she meant her husband’s family naming tradition.

I completely empathise that after what you’ve been through you are upset but I don’t think you can expect his sister to read your minds. Plus you might not even have a boy in which the name would have never got used.
i think and I say this having been like this myself before having children you think a certain way and then when you have your own you’ll realise how unpredictable it all is and that you were a bit daft for feeling that way

It's a tradition in their family that they've chosen to ignore. That's definitely not a considerate thing to do.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

“Dear BIL, you need to change your baby’s name because we might have a baby one day and if we do it might be a boy and then we’d like to call it that name.”

Meanwhile, back in the real world, nobody owns a name, and this baby is already here.

I wonder if they just assumed your husband doesn't care about the tradition and you would want to name your baby something you liked since it's not your tradition. All the firstborn sons in my DH's family are named John*. We didn't name ours John because neither of us care for the name or the "tradition".

*not John

YANBU. They know the family tradition and they've been insensitive about this, especially so, considering your difficulties. Why would they do that?

I'd ask DH to speak to BIL and ask them to change the name.

Out of interest, is it an usual name?

Wishing you well.

That’s so horrible of them. Is the name registered? I wonder what his parents think. It’s like they’ve made a point of doubling up, taking his part of the tradition. In the context of your losses I think it’s astonishingly bad taste.

OP I would still use the name, no doubt about that. And I hate to say it but I’m sure that some of the rest of his side of the family aren’t happy about it. Shame on them.

What happens if your tradition clashes with your in laws tradition? Who wins the right to use their tradition first? Who decides which tradition is a priority? Just curious really

She used both terms DP and DH, later on DH. I was looking at the original post when commenting. It’s a habit I have. I don’t expect people to get married in minutes time. LOL

Seeing as they are married I would have used partner not knowing if he had a kid with another woman years ago who was a partner or spouse. I’m just saying having been through infertility myself and adopting and my DH being married before (with no kids), even dealing with infertility now does not mean both dealt with it before. And plenty of other patients came to the office with a child already, they were having trouble having a second.

People remarry and have kids before marriage. It’s quite nice how people can change their lives.

The first post she said DP. Then she followed with DH. I see they are married. That does not mean it is his first child.