SIL used my baby name

I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.

Im sure if your SIL is decent she would never have meant to upset you. And you can always use the name if you still want to when you get to bring a baby home. It can be a sweet bond between the cousins.

Since neither you nor your partner actually said you'd decided on the name, I would think that any justified annoyance would be at your BIL (new baby's dad/your partner's brother) as he would know the tradition within his family of using the dad's middle name for a baby boy and the level of significance attached to that. Even if SIL is aware of it, I wouldn't expect her to object to using the baby's uncle's middle name as a first name since BIL was apparently fine with it.

I would just use my favourite name the middle name and then a third just because I could.
My kids have 3-6 names each not counting their surnames.

You can and should still use the name. I have a cousin with the same name as me... we are both named after the same grandmother. My son has the same name as one of his cousins (named after the same grandfather). My daughter has the same name as two of her cousins (all named after the same grandmother). Everyone has family nicknames to identify each one from the next. It's endearing and brings us closer.

You can still use it. They won't be surprised.

If the names important to you the say it was... years ago. If you had told them it's what you're using and why, do you think they would have used it. No one names a child just to annoy/squash someone else. If you are bothered then you need to say so no one else even considers that name nice enough to steal

What if you have a girl?

It really does not matter. When you have your own kid and hopefully that will be soon, you can call them anything you like, including this name.

We have a DS who has the same name as one of his cousins. We literally never see them as we live far away and no one cares that they share this name.

It’s babies middle name. Use it anyway. I was careful to mention my favorite girl name with sil and be clear I’d use it no matter what, as I would have, and she would have gotten upset about it, so she needed to know if she had Rebecca, and I had a girl, Rebecca would have a cousin Rebecca, which has happened several times in my family with no issues, and I wasn’t going to change my mind just because she had used it. (Rebecca is not the name)

OP had not told her SIL her planned name.

I hate these name-stealing situations. Never divulge your intended name. Never. That way you avoid stealing accusations and it's just chance if the name gets used, so much easier to deal with as it's not personal against you.

If you’d already had a baby that you’d used this name for do you think you would be as upset?

Names are not taken, they are shared and the personality of the name holder combines with the name to make it very special and unique to each person.

When you have your first baby, and if it’s a boy you will still be able to continue this tradition and it won’t be any less special because he already has a namesake cousin. It might even be a very sweet cousin bond.

I don't think she has done anything wrong but I can understand why you're upset. @LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole put it better than I was about to. It's her family tradition too.

It's her family tradition too and her own brother. Why on Earth wouldn't you see it coming and why shouldn't she (and her DH 'cause he has a say too) use it? If you really like it then use it also when the time comes.

BTW, really hope things work out for you. Have you been seen by a recurring miscarriage clinic already for further investigation?

Perhaps I misunderstand, but with your update on the naming tradition, it could be assumed by her that you would use that name for your own child? If the boys in your families are usually named after their dad's middle names?

So by her using your husband's, it is as if she is implying that a baby would never happen for you guys and that the name is therefore free to use?

If so, then yes, she is being really insensitive, and should have asked first.

Really sorry to hear of your fertility struggles. Kindly, I think you couldn’t have expected SIL to know that you hoped to use the name without saying so, and she probably used it kindly to honour her brother.

Kindly, of course you are BU, especially if she didn’t know this was your chosen name. You might not have any children, it’s nice that the name is in the family.

I'm still slightly confused

Is it that your husband is named Roger David and your chosen baby name was going to be Jonathan Roger?

And she's named her child Jonathan Roger? Or she's named her child Samuel Roger? Or Samuel David?

Because if the only "chosen baby name" used it to use the Roger part then YADBU because it's literally just using her brother's name as a middle name, which is mostly irrelevant anyway (although I know a few people who go by their middle names not their first names)

I have the same middle name as several women in my family, it's used as a tribute across them

The 1980s?
I work with about 10 James and most are in their 20s to 30s
🤣

She can call her child whatever she likes. It wasn’t your name.

Also, @Elle989898 When you do have a baby who survives {Hopefully this will happen soon} The baby may be a different sex to the name you chose- or, looking at him or her, you might think ''This baby suits a different name''.
🙏 👍

I have cousins with the same first name. They have different surnames which helps. My dad has lots and lots of cousins with the same names, and some even with the same surname. It has never caused an issue, no one has ever throught twice about it. They were all just named after grandparents. You can use the name too! I do understand that you are sad though. Just another shit moment and possibly doesn't feel as though it will be as special. But we called our number 2 the same name as dh friend number 1 as we just loved the name. We did send a message first and reply was yes certainly go for it, just shows we both have good taste. It didn't detract from how special it was announcing our number 2 name and now it is very much their name, same as it will be for you. I am not sure what your name is but you can maybe use full name and then use a nn if you did want it to be different.

There are also a gazillion ''James'' about from 1980's.

@Elle989898 My son has same name as my brother.
It's not a problem to have people in same family with same name. 🙂