SIL used my baby name

I’m a fellow miscarriage-haver with no living children — it’s just the truth.

Sad as it is they r free to use whatever name they want.

I'm so sorry this has happened, I can utterly understand why you and your husband are upset. I'm sure your SIL did not intend to hurt you, but I do find this a bit insensitive of them. Having said that, the only thing you can do is try to find a way forward from this (as you are) and comes to terms. You've got enough on your shoulders with ttc, without carrying further upset and stresses. I really wish you well on this.

My only suggestion is maybe trying to find a variation of the name that you like, i.e. mark/marcus/marco/marek john/jean/sean, etc. Or try finding a completely different name (maybe from your family?) and use your chosen name as the middle name. Take care & best of luck.

Fully understandable that you feel so sensitive about this OP, it must feel very brutal, in the face of your difficulties and loss.

I don’t think SIL has done a terrible thing per se, she didn’t know, and it didn’t come up in conversation.

But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel hurt.

I wish you all the luck in the world as you go forward…. and if you have a baby girl the name is irrelevant, a baby boy.. any baby… and the baby, not the name, will be the only thing that matters. I keep my fingers crossed for you.

How you feel is how you feel, yanbu in that sense.

Blaming your SIL only is not on though and saying you did it to be brief when you could have just as easily put BIL or BIL & SIL in the title and proceeded to mainly mention SIL is unreasonable.

You’ve said SIL hasn’t been nasty to you so it could just as easily be that your BIL, your husband’s brother, wanted to honour him and following the tradition of their side as they did with their first child.

There is also no reason that you still can’t use the same name.

It is not strange or weird at all to have family members with the same name and unless this name is really, really rare, your child may have the same as someone in their class that they will see more than their cousin despite your closeness to them.

You’re not unreasonable to upset but unfortunately we can’t have dibs on names.

This has recently happened to me and it floored me. It was a total coincidence as well because I’ve never shared the name with anyone, but it’s an unusual name*, so it was really shocking!

**Less than 20 born each year. 😳

So you have discussed this in the past with your SIL telling her that if you had a boy it would be blah and she has named her baby blah? If you hadn’t it’s a bit of a leap to think she knew this.

It may just be a bit thoughtless, since you all seem to be close family; in our culture it is a compliment to use any name associated with a relative for a newborn.

hopefully you will be blessed with a healthy baby soon, and you should use your preferred name, or the same name for the opposite sex if appropriate. Trust that your child will have the perfect name for him or her as they will be perfect in themselves.

Also think how many people in the royal family have used the names Diana or Elizabeth or Phillip as middle names recently…. All cousins and all very much in the public eye…. No one has said ‘OMG fancy William and Harry both giving their daughters Diana as a middle name…. Or omg fancy so and so using Phillip when their cousin/sister or brother already used it…… just use your husbands middle name as your sons middle name and don’t worry about it.
when we were struggling to conceive we were set on James for a boy after a beloved family member … my husbands cousin then used it as a middle name for their son and he was gutted….but was ok when I said we’d still use it as a first name… we never had a boy in the end.. and only ever we’re blessed with one child (a girl) she had the names I wanted and I wouldn’t have been put off using my middle name as hers just because someone else had…. We now have 4 Jacqueline’s over 3 generations (my mums first name - the other 3 as middle names)

@Elle989898 honestly I wouldn’t be upset about this! My mums sister had a baby and gave her my mothers middle name…. My mum then had my older sister and called her (middle name) after my aunt….. years later I came along and I also have my mothers name as my middle. So me and my first cousin both share the name middle name…. Not only that but out first names rhyme… so we are Sharon jacqueline and Karen jacqueline…. It’s never impacted on our lives as cousins as we aren’t introduced using our middle names…..
my older brother is Michael John after my dad John…. And my little brothers middle name is also John…. My dads brother then also called his son something John…. It honestly isn’t an issue… my other cousin & his wife have just 2 daughters … both have the same middle name….
in your position I wouldn’t discuss your name choices with anyone and when you do have a son you just announce that his name is XXX & husbands middle name’…. And if anyone says ‘oh same as SIL’s baby name’…. You just say ‘yeah, we wanted a family name and doesn’t matter how many times it’s used!

I don’t get the angst over names, in my culture if you like a name , you chose it. Even if grandpa, pa, son and nephew are all the same… and they often are. It’s an honour not a slight.

My uncle ( mum’s brother) had a daughter and named her Natasha. I was born 18 months later and mum gave me the same name. No issues at all. My cousin and I love that we have the same name. I think it would be just fine for you to keep your husbands name too.

Patrick Kane and Patrick Kelly are two different names.

I think it's difficult since you haven't had any children yet and maybe (as awful as it sounds) they think you might not have any. She should have spoken to your brother to ask whether you plan to use the name of you have children but it's just a name and you'll have to make a decision when you have your own child (and I hope you do)

Quote fail. It was the poster who said ‘what a drama over a name’. Pages ago and I now can’t find it, dammit.

What an insensitive post. I don’t see any ‘drama’, just grief and hurt.

And yes, I’m guessing the OP has experienced enough to tell her that life isn’t as straightforward as to give her a child of a particular sex. Miscarriage has a knack of doing that.

I don’t see the problem. My son has my Dad’s name but so does his cousin. My dad and his cousin also had the same name. Nothing to get upset about. You can still use the name x

Totally agree. I see we’re in a minority though. They themselves have followed a tradition with their first child of giving the child the father’s middle name. Then with their 2nd used the name OP would have used if she and DP had followed the same tradition. It’s thoughtless at best.

I’m sorry OP, it must really sting.

Jesus, that’s a bit blunt.

There is no reason why you cannot use the name in the future. No one owns a name and it’s not unusual for families to have a name repeated in different ‘branches’ of the family tree.

When your baby arrives that may not be its name, you know.

This makes zero sense.
You can be upset inwardly for your losses, that’s understandable and I’m sorry.
But to be angry at your SIL is bitter and unnecessary.
As someone who had a lot of issues with fertility, my advice now is to stiop with this bitterness. It honestly won’t help. Go find a better name.

YABU

This is only a disgrace if she KNEW your favoured name and decided to use it anyway. Either way, cross the name bridge when you come to it. There's an few obstacles prior to that nirvana

So get you , so sorry for you, my own brother did this , then blamed his partner,
very unusual name my end , but he changed one letter ! I pleaded with him not to do this .
but …..
the rest was horrible, my father with dementia changed his will as a consequence in his confusion.
end story I no longer need such things in my life , horrible shit