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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel betrayed by my sister?

38 replies

Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:13

I’m feeling quite disappointed and would appreciate some opinions.

My sister (10 years younger than me) and I have always been close. A few years ago, she started dating a woman, ‘Abbie’, and I became friends with her. We had a great dynamic, often hanging out and even going on holidays together. No dramas or arguments—just supportive relationships all around.

In June, my sister began telling me about controlling behaviors from Abbie, which sounded borderline emotionally abusive. Abbie pressured her into getting a credit card in her name because Abbie couldn’t due to debt, and she would guilt-trip my sister for going out with friends, accusing her of cheating (which wasn’t true).

I fully supported my sister, telling her that the relationship seemed unhealthy. I distanced myself from Abbie as her treatment of my sister put me off our friendship. Things escalated in August when Abbie got angry about my sister going out with work friends, leading to a breakup. My sister was devastated, so I took her in to my home, gave her emotional support, and told her she was better off without Abbie.

Fast forward to now: my sister has been seeing Abbie again without telling me, all while still sharing stories of Abbie’s toxic behavior. I continued to support her, expressing my concerns about Abbie. But unbeknownst to me, my sister was relaying everything I said to Abbie, making it seem like I was randomly bad-mouthing her, ignoring the context. Abbie called me angrily on Monday, and now my sister is siding with her, portraying me as a troublemaker. She’s moved back in with Abbie, and we haven’t spoken since.

Am I unreasonable to rethink my relationship with my sister? I feel like all my care and support have been completely disregarded.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
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WhatIsThisTomFoolery24 · 11/10/2024 04:26

I'm afraid your just going to have to let this all play out. Distance yourself from both, your sister has sadly shown her true colors.

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/10/2024 04:21

She is using you to voice concerns/express thoughts she dare not put her own name to.

So its not HER that suspects Abbie is cheating, its you.
Its not HER that thinks Abbie is controlling, its you.

Etc etc.

It is shitty behaviour but it is a symptom of being under the control of an abuser, it also gives her a joint enemy to side with Abbie against, which will make her feel safer 'we're together, she's got my back against you'...

It'll all come crumbling down in the end, but whether you're there to pick up the pieces.. that's up to you and no one would blame you if you weren't.

Notagain24 · 11/10/2024 01:27

Your sister has chosen to go back to Abbie so she's getting somthing out of the relationship, and maybe drama is part of it. She's getting to insult Abbie to her face, but gets away with it as she prefaces everthing negative with 'Fruitsalad said..' Is she getting a bit of revenge on her girlfriend for the previous breakup?

I think you need to let her know that you'll always be there for her, but you don't want yo be in the middle of her relationship, but will meet her one on one.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 11/10/2024 00:17

And I'm now getting the sense at least some of these were texts or phone calls, not in person?

Abbie might well be reading texts or even listening in on calls then claiming your sister told her

Coercive control and abuse relies on isolating victims from friends and family.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/10/2024 00:12

Trust me, I have a sibling like this, I've cut ties with them now after years of this behaviour. I don't need the stress and drama in my life anymore, and I'm much better for it. Leave her to it.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 11/10/2024 00:05

I wonder if OP's sister was in a Hetreosexual relationship, the responses would be the same at calling her sister an asshole?

She's in an abusive relationship, she may well be telling Abbie things to deflect abuse from herself. She may not have actually said anything and Abbie is making it up/exaggerating to isolate your sister to make her abuse easier.

TheaBrandt · 10/10/2024 23:52

How awful - where is the line between sympathy for someone in a toxic relationship and yet not accepting their bad treatment of you.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 10/10/2024 23:48

Being sister to someone who returned to an abusive relationship is fucking hard. Personally, I stayed as close as I could to my duster without harming myself. I'm glad I made that choice because since she eventually left for good (on the 4th attempt) we're closer than ever.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 23:47

stayathomer · 10/10/2024 23:36

DoreenonTill8 · Today 23:13

so op should just accept the lies and the character assassination? Because she's meant to care so much for her d sister, that all the aggro she causes is fine, just fine...

well they all need to get to the bottom of it but walk away? And when they were already worried? If everyone walked away nobody would ever get help!!

Well the sister seems to be a major instigator in issues so why should op have to be drawn into that?

Garlicbest · 10/10/2024 23:43

All my sympathies - I've lost my sister because of this. After feeling really upset for a week or two, I accepted that she's doing what she feels right for her. She knows my point of view and, if she ever feels like reopening that conversation, she knows where I am.

I've never tried to tell her what to do about her marriage, but she now chooses to believe I have. In the unlikely event she wants to talk about it again, I will NOT be offering any more insights to be misinterpreted - but would, of course, support her to get help if she wanted.

My sister's been married for over 20 years, though, @Fruitsalad19. There's still a good chance your sister will wake up before Abbie's wrung her out. I hope so Flowers

Onlyonekenobe · 10/10/2024 23:36

You've done nothing wrong.

And yet you find yourself caught up in drama between two immature, self-centered women.

Your sister needs to grow up. She’s shown you she won’t learn that lesson from you - she threw it back in your face. Let her learn it the hard way. You’ll have to be there when it all breaks down again, but for now I’d just stay out of it.

stayathomer · 10/10/2024 23:36

DoreenonTill8 · Today 23:13

so op should just accept the lies and the character assassination? Because she's meant to care so much for her d sister, that all the aggro she causes is fine, just fine...

well they all need to get to the bottom of it but walk away? And when they were already worried? If everyone walked away nobody would ever get help!!

BoundaryGirl3939 · 10/10/2024 23:29

I wonder is everything she tells you about Abbie true? Could she be the troublemaker in all this?

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 23:18

OP, i think you need to step away from this.
Your sister was away from Abbie and has chosen to return.
I think she knows well that you are supportive but has chosen to use you and then throw you under a bus.
It is not unreasonable at all for you to step away and protect yourself from both of them and their drama.

J1Dub · 10/10/2024 23:15

My first thought was that your sister wants to turn you and Abbie against each other, as she is jealous of your friendship.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 23:13

@stayathomer so op should just accept the lies and the character assassination? Because she's meant to care so much for her d sister, that all the aggro she causes is fine, just fine...

roastedrapidly · 10/10/2024 23:12

I think you need to make it clear to your sister that you will love and support her no matter what, that you want her to be happy but will be there for her,without judgement, when and if she needs you at any time, but that in light of everything that's recently happened you will be stepping away from her and Abbie but wish them both the very best.

Then leave her to it and hope she comes back to you when it all falls apart, and it will.

stayathomer · 10/10/2024 23:05

I can’t believe all the people telling you to step away- sounds like your sister is afraid of her but afraid of losing her and telling her stuff but then not wanting Abbie to think she herself told you stuff

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 23:01

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:55

I wouldn’t message it, particularly. More vague messages of the ‘always here for you’ type. Not actually spelling it out.

To be honest, it’s in your interests to appease Abbie too. You don’t want her to see you as a threat, or she’ll work harder to distance you.

Why should op work to appease Abbie and her sister, both who seem quite happy to be nasty and shitty to her?

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:55

I wouldn’t message it, particularly. More vague messages of the ‘always here for you’ type. Not actually spelling it out.

To be honest, it’s in your interests to appease Abbie too. You don’t want her to see you as a threat, or she’ll work harder to distance you.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/10/2024 22:54

Then she's definitely using you as a sacrificial lamb to Abbie. Happy to chuck you under a bus that doesn't even need to run.
TLDR your sisters attention and drama seeking, don't buy into it.

Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:53

SensibleSigma · 10/10/2024 22:33

She’s been forced to buy herself some safety by throwing you to the wolves- knowing that you are out of the wolves’ reach.

Let her know that you can’t support her while she stays with Abbie, but will help her whenever she needs it.

I’m wary to even message her this, because I know she will immediately tell Abbie and I’ll be made out as ‘causing drama’ again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:38

MounjaroUser · 10/10/2024 22:34

Your sister doesn't sound like she's a very nice person. Are you convinced what she said about Abbie was true?

I don’t entirely know. I know some of it was true, like the financial pressures and Abbie being paranoid about her cheating. But another example - she told me that she had caught Abbie messaging other women, and that the conversations were flirty. I replied saying that perhaps that was why Abbie had been so paranoid about my sister cheating - because she was doing it herself. Then my sister went back to Abbie, and just told her that I had said Abbie was probably cheating on her through their relationship. Zero context or mention of the fact I said that in response to what my sister told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitsalad19 · 10/10/2024 22:36

Noseybookworm · 10/10/2024 22:27

This is a difficult one because if your sister is in an abusive relationship, she could have been pressured into revealing what you have said about her partner. Don't underestimate how emotionally manipulative and relentless the pressure could be. The abusive partner has achieved her goal of isolating your sister from those who love and support her. I know you're feeling hurt but I would let your sister know that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. Hopefully she will feel able to reach out and get herself out of this relationship in time. Are you worried about her physical safety?

It’s true, I don’t know exactly how their conversations have played out - but I do know that while constantly telling me about incidences of Abbie being horrible, then me supporting her, she would then go and tell Abbie - and this repeated for weeks. It wasn’t just a one off, it was a continuous thing, while she carried on confiding in me (then relaying what I said straight to Abbie, missing out the context altogether).

I’m worried about her physical safety, it was more emotionally - Abbie was quite paranoid and emotionally manipulative, often getting very ‘upset’ over minor things and making my sister jump through hoops to keep her happy.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 10/10/2024 22:34

Your sister doesn't sound like she's a very nice person. Are you convinced what she said about Abbie was true?