To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

I’m firmly working class and from a deprived area but I like to live with integrity, honesty and cleanliness.

My marriage is a happy, completely equal partnership of 30 years and a disordered, grubby, druggie life is not for me. Many of my friends and neighbours are the same. They grew up like me, in the 60s and 70s, with post war parents who believed in high moral standards.

I don’t see what is wrong with aiming to be civilised, law abiding and expecting men to step up and be equal partners.

I went to school with a boy who hung himself cos he owed about £100 to some small time druggies. He was 14. A uni mate overdosed.

I don’t care if people do drugs recreationally around me. I think it’s a very slippery slope and would always caution against.

my friends and I all are all similar. Nice caring 50/50 partnerships with loving husbands. No divorces. Good kids. Middle class, educated, well travelled. Some with BIG jobs some not. All very normal and ordinary.
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this is my close group of about 6 families. Go beyond that…it’s a mixed bag.

however I have yet to meet a controlling husband m/downtrodden wife. And no close friends have had a divorce….bar one.

so that’s my normal.

my parents however…dad wasn’t very nice. Mum was pushed around, they did not have many adult friendships and we grew up in a rough area. functioning alcoholics. Both died in their 60s.

so am I bucking the trend? Socially mobile? Who knows.

I feel like I am probably a MN stereotype but I grew up in a council house and have known true poverty. Despite where I am now I always look over my shoulder and have weird stockpiling tendencies.

A lot of people react how they think they should, it's hyacinth bucket syndrome.
I am very anti drugs and would be clutching my pearls saying no weed. I wouldn't mention that I feel that way because my brother started taking drugs at 11 along with my parents and I'm now 10 years clean and determined my children won't be near drugs though!

Yes, I can post about some things that are going amazing in my life and it would sound like it's great and I have it all together. But in the background, I'm really struggling with the turn my life has taken in suddenly finding myself full time caring for a seriously ill child, when I was just starting to really get going and find myself post raising children. Among it, I'm struggling with hormonal changes at this time of life. Yet there are some amazing things too. It doesn't mean if I post about those things it's not true, because they are true. It's just a snapshot of one thing.

Yeah, I'd take everything I read on Mumsnet with a pinch of salt.

This.

I had a not great childhood, I had to learn what “normal” was. I didn’t feel really bad about it, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. But I did regret that there were some things I didn’t know, opportunities missed etc.

You are not getting the whole picture

all well in one area doesn’t mean all is well in all others

and then there is the competitiveness of some …

Social mobility comes into play here.

You're doing better than your parents and friends and in turn your children will see your example and absorb it and hopefully do better again.

It takes generations to break cycles. X

Yes, I frequently think this.

And that they post a 'learned Mumsnet response' on some relationship threads.

It doesn't mean their relationship is anywhere near as equal as they're making it out to be.

You can tell this sometimes when if for example and OP says something like, "I was packing my DH's clothes for our holiday when the doorbell rang...."

And without asking any questions at all, they'll leap in with "WHY were YOU packing this manchild's clothes?????" Because they've seen that sort of reply before.

Whereas in an equal relationship, it may well be because he's sorted the car for the journey, he'll be doing the 5 hour drive and unpacking everyone's clothes at the other end.

But that sort of thing doesn't occur to them, so that tells me it's probably not the sort of relationship they have with their DH.

I grew up in a fairly strict household, parents in professional jobs, I have no tolerance for drug taking whatsoever, I’ve no doubt that’s because of my upbringing, drinking I don’t mind so much but not to excess but I have to say I’m with you on the bed thing, I hardly ever change the sheets or wash towels, I just don’t think they get that dirty that quickly and I’m not grossed out by someone else sleeping in the bed before me as long as they don’t smell!

I think probably the questions draw engagement from people who mind the most about something.

I don't have rigid cleaning routines so I don't post about them. But I used to have to have them, for a family member who was ill, so I posted about that back then. It felt interesting at the time. I'm not on a diet, so I'm not getting involved in intense discussion of what to have for breakfast, but probably when I decide I'm a pork bun in February I will.

I just don't post much about what I'm not that bothered about. I don't mind about people taking drugs, but I've never had a drug problem so, you know, it just don't really affect me. Maybe if I'd had an alcoholic parent or something I'd mind more and be on all those threads.

So I don't think MN is normal - I think it's got lots of normal people on it, mainly posting about something they mind about an abnormal amount.

Agreed, and people might be kinder. However, I don't think we're ever really anonymous. Too much data linking, etc.

If everyone on Mumsnet had to post under their own real name with a verified photo, it's be a completely different place.

Infact, it probably wouldn't exist 😁

What I write is real but there's a lot of missing context that might change how people perceive my answers. Face value on here is too simple.

Yes everything is ‘grim’ 😅

I also feel like my family/upbringing is very different from posters on here but a lot of what people describe (private school etc) would actually put them in a very small and privileged minority in RL.

PPs are also correct that posters can be whoever they please online.

Sometimes I wonder what percentage of written content on mumsnet is actually real or not- annoying that we can never know!

I have my shit together because my upbringing was a weird combination of extremely controlling in some ways and extremely neglectful in others (parents very unconcerned with my emotional wellbeing or development but I had to behave myself and not embarrass the family in any way).

So I now have my shit together because it’s the only way I can keep my mental health stable. If I start to think things are slipping out of control, I start to spiral into panic. My routines literally keep me sane because if everything is in order than I am safe and no one is going to shout at me.

Not everything is as it seems on the outside.

Sometimes I get the feeling that some people on here are just pretending to be middle class rather than actually being jr 🤷‍♀️

Each post is a snapshot. Maybe I have that aspect of my life sorted, maybe I have an idea or opinion or experience, but a post is generally without wider context and doesn't give all the other stuff in the background of life. I wouldn't take things too seriously. It's not a big picture you're seeing.

Most people who say their dog has perfect recall are deluded. My precious baby pupster is a stubborn sort of trained dog that never gets let off a lead as she can’t be trusted with any sort of responsibility.

I bet most of the MN’ers perfect recall dogs are the ones I’ve grabbed by the collar to walk away from my nervous, fear reactive dog to take back to their owners who are merrily ignoring their dog crowding mine.

I grew up in a house where we used to have to hide from bailiffs and parents were recreational drug takers (but not addicts). Now I know plenty of people who take drugs (my siblings, some old friends) - in fact a close friend recently died of an overdose. I’ve never tried drugs, would have zero tolerance for it in a relationship and will in no way facilitate drug taking (eg I won’t be designated driver so someone else can take illegal drugs).

I rarely drink, but DH drinks a can most nights with his meal.

I don’t mind sleeping in a “dirty” bed, but would think it weird not to have had fresh sheets put on.

I shower 2-3 times a week and hardly ever wash my hands.

I have a 50:50 relationship, in fact probably 70:30 to my benefit but I’m in the main earner.

I’m mostly shocked by what people will accept
in a relationship on MN. Some people’s standards are shockingly high, but I think a lot of people exaggerate for rage bait on here.

I think this is so true. I would happily tell anyone that my guests get clean bedding and towels, I'm probably not telling you that I'll sleep in that bed the night after them to get away from my snoring DH. I'm also not telling you the last time I washed my kitchen floor.

I think I have my shit together but only because parents both had difficult childhoods and were determined that their children would have the opposite.

My mum, in particular, had some other strong role models in her life including her best friend's mum and a neighbour. She considered both of their households very grounded and says she borrowed a lot from their parenting when raising us. She doesn't talk about it much.

I think I was in my 20s before I realised how lucky I was. Growing up, I always thought my parents were boring and sensible and others had parents who gave them far more freedom and were more fun.

From what you have posted it does seem like you have your life together too - you left a man who didn't treat you well, have happy children and a good job. Don't underestimate that.