To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

I agree with this!

I had no idea of the stuff some women are prepared to put up with to have a man - any man - in their life. I'm not being superior - I genuinely don't understand it, but reading posts on here has opened my eyes.

I feel I have reasonably high standards but there is always something on MN that makes me question that. I've never smoked or done drugs, rarely drink and have what I thought were high standards of cleanliness and unusually for MN I iron!

When I read the thread this week about a poster thinking washing tea towels with underwear was disgusting it made me question myself although after thinking about it for all of a few seconds I really can't see a problem with that.

Similar in rl too OP.

I have friends who are warriors and put up with zero shite. The are completely together, have happy fulfilled lives, those around them are similar.

No addiction, no alcohol use, no abuse or DV. Just hard working, raising family going on holidays, moaning about not getting the washing out due to the rain. Nice normal strong, together folk who I love.
I surround myself with them, I collect and keep them close.

I am often impressed by people’s responses and how eloquent they are. So I definitely agree.

I am very sad for the posters who assume it must be made up when people say that they have an equal relationship with their partner, have a tidy home and/or don't do drugs nor are related to anyone who does drugs

I hope things get better for you.

Please don't accept being mistreated because of a misconception that it is normal and therefore to be accepted.

It is far, far too normal but that doesn't mean that things cannot get better for you.

Compared to other social media platforms Mumsnet is quite ' wordy' so I think it attracts a lot of people that are more literate than those that use tik tik/ instagram etc and probably more middle class people so that's were the Judgy, wholesome bias is coming from ...

When you have come from an abusive childhood or neglectful background it is truly eye opening! Your ‘normal’ is so different to others, and with that insight you may look back and realise that your experiences were very messed up.

What you thought was bog standard, is actually abuse. What is every day life is actually toxic and unhealthy.

Having to question, then unpick your base assumptions, adjust your world view, then change your behaviour is a lot. Especially when you are doing so to give your own children a better life, just when you have achieved it - you realise there are several more levels to go!

Ultimately our lives and environments shape us.i always post completely honestly. I can’t see the point in posting lies.

That’s why MN is so great, it can give a world of different views and ideas, and has helped me no end, I feel it gives women confidence to trust themselves too, it’s obviously life saving at times for some.

For many different reasons, none of which are really worth trying to figure out.

Social media of all flavours and descriptions entices people to fully disclose, over-share the minute details about their life and feel that they have to have an opinion about everything. And distort things to make themselves look and seem better.

The art of survival is to read things posted on line with an open mind and not over invest in any of it. Focus on improving your own life experience and only go on social media when your frame of mind is stable. If you're feeling vulnerable or down about your life, best to stay away, it messes with your brain.

And how much of it is down to nature and nurture? (Or found from reading msnet).

it’s just what you are used to is isn’t it. Auntie calls my mum posh, my mum has standards, she like a tablecloth on for every meal, she has a lovely shiny dinning room table. I have a rustic, crafted on, pine top table, in the early days I always used a tablecloth, then life got too busy and I stopped using them and wiped the table, far quicker than washing it and having to iron it, but if mum came for dinner on went the tablecloth.

but now I’m over forty, the tablecloths are in the back of the airing cupboard and I don’t even get them out for mum (I do for Christmas). I decided I was old enough to do things my own way. Sometimes I read msnet things and think I like that idea, way of thinking, way of doing, so I adopt it.

My parents both smoked, I didn’t, they only drank alcohol at home if they had a party, I drank wine with home meals most of my life (until the battle of the bulge).

we shape our own lives, we don’t need to be like others, my thoughts are as long as we are happy and not causing unhappiness to others can be just as we want to be. (But I’d be mega grossed out if I had to sleep in someone’s else’s sheets).

Everyone has areas where their normal is someone else's unrealistically high standards and vice versa. I don't think people are lying, we're all just different.

I’m very together, is what most people would say. But home is a bit of chaos because young kids and full time busy jobs means some level of squalor. We let the cleaner who comes fortnightly do the hoovering and bathroom clean. I do sweep the kitchen meals every night. I don’t make beds. There are piles of washing around. Conversely, we eat mostly pretty home made and they always have clean clothes. I find life admin painful and exhausting on top of my usual load. I have zero exposure to drugs in my usual life and not much to people getting drunk. Most families we know have both parents fairly involved in their kids lives.

I agree with @Imgoingtothebeach :

Imgoingtothebeach
I find Mumsnet like some alternate reality sometimes. I don't know anyone like it real life.

Agree.

I disagree with: @healthybychristmas -

"But what do you mean you don't know anyone like it? You don't know anyone who changes the sheets six times a night or you don't know anyone who has a drunken husband who is absolutely fucking horrible to them? "

Nope. I don't.
Most of the people I know in RL, either closely, or acquaintances, or colleagues, are more middle of the road/ just ordinary, trotting along, with minor shit / irritants. My friends dd recently diagnosed, I've got a bad back and fighting the hospital, normal shit like that.

Mn cleanliness is wierd. If I have time I empty the bin, put on a load of washing, send eufy hoovering around, then the place looks semi reasonable, so I sit down and mn for a few hours. MN'ers are highly clever and witty.

I read a good thread about a current legal case, eg Post Office, where legal boffs explain it simply and clearly to numpties like me. Then I read a funny thread like Lenin porn, and I laugh at how clever MN'ers are with their one liners.

What's not to like?

Mn can be wierd. People don't answer their door, shower many times per day, wash towels too often.

The bed / sheets thing wouldn't bother me. Now that ds1 is at uni, all beds get washed weekly as usual, but if I am snoring / can't sleep Dh will go to ds1's bed. The next night I might. I don't feel the need to change the sheets every night.

Tbh I've had the opposite experience to you on mumsnet nd I've come to realise how lots of women set the bar really low compared to mine when it comes.to relationships. I was raised in a working class family, dad worked, mum was a sahm. We didn't have much money but grew up in a time of lower expectations and never went without so I didn't feel any different to anyone else. Neither parent had much of an education but they strongly encouraged us and were always supportive. My dad had a great deal of faith in me and both parents instilled an inner confidence even though I was a shy child. I've always known my worth and yes compared to some when it comes to relationships I do have high standards. I knew I wanted a partner in every sense of the word as that was what was role modeled to me. Dh has always been an equal partner and is just as hands on with our children as I am and I wouldn't have settled for anything less. Families are run in so may different ways though and that's fine, I don't think you need to justify it if it works for you and yours.

I don't drink due to religion anyway and I do have a strong stance on drug use as I work with users. I do not wash towels daily. My home is hoovered daily and unlike many on mumsnet I do iron clothes. I would always change the sheets guests have slept in.

You have overcome lots of adversity and should be proud of yourself. You've set your own standards and do not need to measure yourself against anyone else's.

I think a lot depends on your upbringing and the norms that you absorb as a child.

I often think of my own childhood as having been happy but quite chaotic. Pretty sure that my mum had undiagnosed adhd and she suffered with depression and anxiety. But compared to your childhood, mine was very wholesome and orderly. Parents had a stable relationship. We were ok financially. No real exposure to drugs or even drunkenness before the inevitable teenage parties, and even then, I knew to keep my distance.

In the same way, I think of myself as being quite chaotic. Also have adhd, struggle with some stuff, my house is a tip etc. But from the outside, it probably looks like I have my shit together - great career, happy & successful dc, stable & equal relationship with DH, mortgage paid off etc. No additions No major health issues, no family rifts, nice stable friends etc.

I still feel like everyone else has got it together much more than I have!

I take some of it with a pinch of salt, OP. I know a couple of women in real life who talk all the time about their marriages where their DH takes equal responsibility for organising birthday presents and holiday clubs and all the mental load etc, and any woman who settles for anything less is some sort of surrendered wife with no self respect. But you go to their house and realise it’s all some delusional fantasy, and their DH is slobbed out on the sofa playing video games and totally checked out, ignoring the children and not setting the table etc.

I do know couples where the DH really does shoulder his share of the mental load, but they don’t tend to get on their soapbox about it and try to make other people feel shit if they’re not in the same situation.

It's the class divide isn't it?

I remember being quite shocked at polar opinions on taking children in prison visits.

It must depend on the threads you read because I see threads about horrible DHs all the time!

I take everything I read on Mumsnet with a Dead Seas worth of salt.

I'd be willing to bet at least 50% of the middle class well-to-do's with the 6 figure husband, the 2.5 strapping, sporty, impeccably behaved children and the Labradoodle and/or spaniel with absolutely flawless recall are actually completely regular bums just LARPing as all of the above.

It’s the deep cleaning and boundaries on MN that are not on my radar IRL !
Have always considered deep cleaning for an operating theatre and boundaries for measuring land 🤦‍♀️

But what do you mean you don't know anyone like it? You don't know anyone who changes the sheets six times a night or you don't know anyone who has a drunken husband who is absolutely fucking horrible to them? There's such a massive range of experiences on here. I do really like it when posters start a thread saying something really niceabout their husband, though they usually get told to leave him!

I really really wish that I had had Mumsnet a long time ago to tell me that my marriage really wasn't healthy, in fact to tell me I shouldn't get married in the first place! I had to learn it the hard way because I wouldn't talk to my friends about it.

I grew up middle class. I have never seen my parents drunk, though they regularly drink a glass of wine at dinner, and have never been drunk myself. There were certainly never any drugs around.
On the cleanliness point, I wouldn 't sleep in anyone else's sheet (possible exception of my sister), but when it's a kids sleepover and the kid is only sleeping one night I have to say I don't always wash the duvet cover (I do wash the pillowcase). That being said, my house is constantly untidy because there are always piles of ironing / things to be returned / things to be sorted / things to be given to charity shops / things to be carried up the stairs!

I have a very equal relationship (and would not have suffered it otherwise, as my mother had given me many messages of warning growing up about not ending up as someone else's skivvy, so I was very conscious of this) - he does all the cooking and food shopping, I do all the homework, we do housework about 50-50 and we have a cleaner for heavy duty cleaning. We also earn about the same, which perhaps helps, and my hours are longer than his. Funnily enough I continue this with my DD - ever since they have been toddlers I have been telling them they need to marry someone who doesn't treat them like a maid, and who pulls his weight.

This equality point I do think is exaggerated on MN, as IRL I can only think of about 2 or 3 couples I know where there is anything like an equal relationship. Most of them might talk as if it was equal, but I can see the reality is that it is not.
But it constantly amazes me the number of posters who complain about how they are literally left doing everything at home whilst their DH swans off to play golf or sleeps or something.... and I have little sympathy because you can absolutely see that coming even before the children arrive!