To be surprised at how 'together' commenters appear to be

I agree with this and thank goodness I did find MN at a young age, I wonder how different my relationships would have been otherwise (especially one or two where classic red flags were waved and I realised that they shouldn’t be ignored).

Does everyone have their shit together here? I don’t know, I think each person has at least one part of their life that is probably causing them angst and difficulty at a time. Thinking around my friends now most of them have clean enough houses, don’t drink loads or do drugs that I’m aware of (some are ex addicts) - but for different people the part of life they feel is not together ranges from SEN children struggling at school, to crap teeth, to MH problems, sick parents, insecure housing, overwork, low wage, loneliness, estrangement from a family member and so on. So yeah I guess I don’t know anyone who feels totally “sorted”, I was probably at my most sorted technically in terms of life being well organised before I met DP and had a baby but at the same time I was really sad about being alone so… yeah life is a complex jungle of sorted v not sortedness. ❤️

A lot of the internet can be fantasy land. It always has been. 🤷‍♀️

Why do people come on here and lie that their kid has cancer/died etc? There's some absolute freaks out there.

You have to presume that people only post on threads they’re drawn to comment on, hence the polarising batshit on all the ones around housekeeping - they attract both the “I change the sheets & towels twice a day, the carpets if someone stepped inside with a shoe on and bleach the fuck out of anything stationary including DH” brigade, which in turn brings out all the people who apparently only change sheets when they’re the colour of wet tarmac, share one towel between 8 and let the dog lick the plates clean. In reality, most people are somewhere in the middle.

I’m sometimes baffled by the skewed pile-ons that seem to happen every week, where I can’t quite grasp how so many people are chiming in with the same (to me, pretty unreasonable) opinion, but by and large I’m heartened by the wit and wisdom of so many of the amazing women on here - the support and solidarity, the kindness and - especially - the much-needed propagation of feminist ideas and an understanding of what constitutes basic fairness and equality in work, relationships, society and life. An education that all women should get from a young age, but don’t. Thank god for this place!

I'm fairly functional I think - we have a clean house, my partner earns and does his fair share - but there is a lot is batshit uptightness on here about drinking, washing and food.

We try and change bed linen and towels once a week, but the world is not going to end if that does not happen.

The thing that get me is the sub section of people here who seem to believe your 50s is old - talk of being exhausted by work, needing to retire, wanting to stay home all tbe time and not socialise.

Because it makes them feel better about themselves....
Its an illusion.
You NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors so my advise is to walk to the beat of your own drum and not let the fairy tales of randomers on the internet make you feel inferior xx

Me and my DH operate as a team and yes, we do split the load. If anything he does more. He is the same with parenting. First to hold our eldest dd when she was born and has a lovely relationship with each of our young adult children. They make time to spend it with him. My dds talk to him about their problems as easily as they’ll talk to me.

He is emotionally intelligent and sees family life, like me, as the biggest joy and privilege.

I do know other couples like this. The model tends to be that the woman’s 50% is domestic and the man’s is around DIY/heavy lifting but the ‘teamwork’ approach is quite common I think.

Diverting a bit but it's really interesting you mention Leah Betts. Thinking about it, her story is absolutely one of the main reasons I'd never touch drugs. I know that her parents sharing her story will never, ever compensate them for their loss, but I really hope they are aware of what a positive impact they have made.

Which category do your posts fit into?

The sheets thing is a bit weird. At some point it became the expectation that having guests meant you needed to operate like a hotel. When we we young we’d crash on someone’s floor or sofa, grabbing a blanket that hadn’t been washed (ever, probably). And plenty of MNetters would see it as a badge of honour to have stayed in some dodgy hostels while travelling. I’m slightly biased at the moment as I watched Threads last night so I can’t imagine getting worked up about not having a perfect bed.

Growing up my parents had and attended parties involvement huge amounts of alcohol and usually someone went too far but no fighting and no drugs. I was affected by the Leah Betts images so have never get comfortable with using drugs. But have been excessively drunk many times, I guess this was affected by this being normal growing up.

DH and I are pretty much 50:50, but we have our habits and preferences. So many of the PTA things seem to come under the category of making more work for yourself so DH avoids that whereas I get the guilt and end up volunteering or bringing things in.

I think there has always been the notion of how you present yourself in public versus true home life. But now it’s more blurred because the digital world is a bigger part of our lives now. When internet forums were new, people likely felt comfortable to admit they did unappealing things, but now it’s part of our day to day life so there’s keeping up with the Jones’ even on an anonymous forum.

I think most people tell the truth but not the whole truth, if you get me? So I change my towels twice a week but I don’t always clean the kitchen counters down after dinner. Admitting that will probably get me banned from Mumsnet for life!

‘Normal’ is pretty subjective, OP. One person’s ‘wholesome and together’ is another person’s ’joyless Keeping Up With the Joneses’.

You’re coming at stuff from your upbringing, others are coming at it from theirs, and people respond differently to their childhoods. I grew up in a deprived, dysfunctional household with timid, withdrawn, semi-literate parents I had to protect from an early age. So for me, my priority has always been to be strong, free and able to cope, and for my child to know I’ve got his back, and if something is difficult, I will help. I’m not interested in housework, but I understand that’s a bulwark against chaos for some people.

OP, you aregetting quite a few replies saying not everyone is so strict on their bars, not sure why? I have not read the whole thread, sorry.
Well done to you for having a better life that your parents and giving a better chance to your children. That is the right path indeed.
Most of the things you mention in your opening post did shock me indeed.
I do come from a household with alcohol and mental and physical abuse background. I am trying to get things better for my children.

Why would you possibly waste your time responding then? Surely there are better things to do if that is what you think. It’s certainly a cynical view.

I think most people are honest from my experience, mainly because no one knows who you are - so it’s pretty pointless lying, and if that’s what you are doing then your issues are bigger than the lie so to speak.

Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Nobody really has their shit together everybody is winging life in one way or another, nobody's relationships are perfect and every person on earth will have years of life where things seem great and years when things fall apart and in despair it's the ebb and flow of living. You sound like you're doing OK OP settled with family after what you've experienced as a kid. As far as the drugs/alcohol are concerned I'm someone who doesn't really drink much at all and have never considered doing any kind of drugs I don't even like taking prescribed medication but heck who knows if we ever had a bad year lost everything and ended up homeless I might well be tempted then as many others are the truth is we don't know how we will respond to life until stuff hits us .

I drink 6 bottles of wine a week. A lot of my friends (and one of my sons) smoke weed. I don't have an equal relationship with DH. Thanks to my parents relationships and marriages I have 11 half & step brothers and sisters. 😅

Pretty malfunctioning at life,,,,but i will say it as it is or give what I deem to be good advice 😂

I wouldn't say I'm particularly confident but I'd say your post sums up what is pretty much normal for me and my reference group. I don't mean it in a judgy or superior way at all, it's literally just normality for me, although obviously there are minor exceptions amongst people I know.

I was lucky that my home life growing up was incredibly settled and secure. I also thought this was normal until I was an adult.

The exception is probably the drinking thing...for me it's kind of normal to drink but mostly in your early 20s and then cut down once you're settled.

With the equality with DHs, I would say it's 60/40 split with women/men share and not truly equal.

36% of stuff written on here is fantasy.
The other 64% is simply exaggeration.

I think it’s vanishingly unlikely to have a truly equal relationship with a man in a patriarchy. I have never met a couple who genuinely split the load entirely, financially and practically, 50/50.

My children have my husbands name. You don’t need to know anything other than that to know we are not 50/50 in everything.

The narrative people employ to explain away their reality is natural and protective.

Yes this!

I feel like a lot of posters on here get their knickers in a twist over the most minor of things, never met anyone like that in real life. Like no one on here ever so much as raises their voice if they get frustrated, allegedly, and express shock horror if someone else does. My only explanation for this is that they must live extremely stress free or sheltered lives 🤔
I don't believe everything I read on here by any means.

I discovered MN around 5 years ago, and it has helped me so so much.

I grew up in a really disfunctional family, my mum/mums side of the family (who raised me) are pushovers/quiet/get on with it and dont make a fuss type.

I found myself following the same path when it came to bad relationships, settling for a career I didnt truly want, and letting people walk all over me.

Reading MN posts of women in similar situations and the replies gradually gave me so much more confidence and a sense of reality, and encouraged me to take a step back and really assess the situations I was in and whether it was good for me or I could do better.

It sounds really silly writing it out, but I wouldn’t be where I am now, with a wonderful DH, self employed career, or a beautiful baby on the way, if it wasnt for reading MN threads and giving myself a kick up the bum to change my life and not accept shitty situations/men/jobs for the sake of a quiet life.

Honestly

The bed sheets .. i think its fine too 🤫

The drinking... i love a drink but now i have 2 under 3 its just not worth it

Agree woth @LouH5
Re The amazing equal dh

i can only surmise its delusional smuggery, they are oblivious to whatequal loads look like, have serious "help" or they are actually full of shit. What annoys me is i bought into it.
My dh was carefully selected. He is better and more engaged than pretty much every other father i know out there. He does NOT do 50 more like 30...
Mothers are primary carers, they just are. Its the reality for over 95% of standard couples. I'd have been much more at peace for the last 2 years if i just knew this going into having kids...instead i felt like if i did enough... if i lay down the law enough... if i was X enough... miraculously it would be 50/50. He does do a lot and is a good man but i do more.

I think the opposite. What chaotic lives most people on here live and how low the bar is with shitty men. I don’t know anyone who would put up with the kind of treatment I repeatedly see on here in real life.

I categorically do not have my shit together!

However I do have a very equal relationship.

Many of my much higher achieving friends have their shit together but don't have equal relationships. I think men often take advantage of women who are that capable. The kind of men that do that wouldn't put up with me, so there's no chance I'd be in an unequal relationship. It is pure luck that I found a good man.