DH and MIL - what to do now?

They fucked up DH: why give them a chance to fuck up DS?

I think you're both lucky that they seem to be backing off - even if it's painful (once again) for your husband to feel so disregarded. If he can keep up the therapy, and let them fade off into the background of your lives as they seem willing to do, you'll probably know far more peace. They know where he is if they have a sudden realisation and want to apologise and be accountable.

Honestly, they don’t sound like good people and your husband doesn’t have a good relationship with them. This will not change as they don’t believe they have anything to apologise for. I think you’re setting yourselves up for disappointment and heartache by hoping they’ll change against all odds.
Also I’m surprised at the responses to your ‘secret’ pregnancy. I’m doing largely the same, currently 20 odd weeks, and only really telling people we see and socialise with regularly.

There is clearly a lot of back story here that’s not being shared.
It’s up to your DH how he handles his family, and you should stay out of it.
It’s up to you how you handle his family.

Hopefully the two of you find a path that works for both of you.

Completely agree - the drama associated with the LC / NC labels doesn’t really seem like it’s necessary here as your problem doesn’t sound like they are impossible to get along with in person or trying to interfere all the time, it just sounds like they are not that into being in your and your son’s life. My mother died when I was 5 and had been NC with her mother to the extent my father had never met her - my father was the sort of person who likes to keep doors open and so he actively sought her out immediately and kept the door open for her to be in our lives. She was super flaky and I probably only saw her every few years despite the fact that we were her only child’s children BUT that didn’t hurt us and I’m glad I had some very limited sense of connection to that side of my family. I don’t have a strong attachment to her at all but I also never felt emotionally let down by her as she just was pleasant enough when we did we see her and my father was open with us about her weaknesses as well - and she was obviously invited to “big” events. If the grandparents are actively harmful in person it’s different - but if they are just disinterested accept them for who they are. I’ve had to do the same for my half sister since I had kids - and yes I was disappointed in her lack of interest when she always said she’d be super interested and active, but I wouldn’t cut her off for it as she’s perfectly ok with my son when she does see him. She’s just too wrapped in her own world to truly engage.

I’ve been here, admittedly as kids got older . Nothing changes I’m afraid; I found my parents, and my husband’s, fail or refuse to see any wrong doing or admit to any failings. We have 6 children, 3 sets of grandparents, and tbh nine of them kniw our kids . And that’s ok, because they are really close as siblings, and we already are very open when things go wrong.
enjoy your baby, don’t waste time chasing something that just won’t happen. Your baby will know no different! Sending hugs x

I'm really sorry, I completely understand and it is so hard...🙏
Give up on the expectations. They are not going to change, nor own up to their mistakes and apologise and have a revelation... They simply can't. Build your life as a family outside their orbit. You are now very vulnerable, with a baby. You need your fortress. Once you're stronger and more well rested, you can reassess the situation.

I’m not sure that I am understanding this properly. You husband thinks he was treated differently? Lots of people think this when it isn’t the case at all. You didn’t tell them about the baby until you had given birth and then announced it in a group message?

if I were them I would be terribly hurt. The only thing you have said that I think is wrong is saying that their son should have left you are altar but how do you know this is true?

they want to be allowed access to DS.
This, from FIL who couldn't be bothered to come and see him.
The message is that they're not interested in their son and DIL, but they fancy playing granny and grandad with the baby. They have absolutely no right to that.
Your role is to support your DH, not playing peacemaker and try to give these horrible people what they want. If you went handing out invitations behind his back, you'd be undermining him.
As PPs have said, the mistake you're making is seeing them as normal people.

This. Step away, it's not your decision.

Many of us have miscarried, it's awful, but I don’t think I'd keep a pregnancy 'secret' right up until 9 months, & a few months after birth- that is very unusual.

Absolutely this.

The opinion of randomers on MN - who really don’t know his family’s dynamic - should not influence him.

To be honest, I think you are influencing him too much here too OP.
Not telling them you were pregnant sounds cold to me by the way, especially when you then expected them to jump to attention on command…closeness works both ways.

This is his family and his decision. Don’t make his mind up for him. It’s not fair.

Your DH needs to form his own opinion on this. Can he get some counselling to help him do this?

Your views, and definitely the views of some strangers off the internet, shouldn’t influence his choice.

You can support him, but fundamentally he needs to examine their behaviour and his feelings about it, then decide if he wants to continue with that in his life going forward.

Do your child (and yourselves) an enormous favour and cut the fucking rope. That's my advice. People like this do not change and trying to form any sort of healthy relationship with them will bring nothing but misery.

They don't have a right to anything whatsoever.

@Mumofnetters

If he asks you 'what do I do', you tell him that the decision MUST be his and his alone. It's time he grew up and took responsibility for his life and his relationships. If he wants to be LC/NC with his parents he must make that decision, not just go along with what you tell him to do. Tell him that you will support him in his efforts to the best of your ability, but that the final decision and the 'real' effort must come from him.

Yes, I think there’s a backstory here, 🤷‍♀️

I’m with the ‘mirror the energy’ approach.

You don’t actually need to ‘do’ anything. No announcements, no lines drawn.

Simply stop thinking about, worrying over, mentally preparing around them. If they message, decide what response is suitable. Let them make the running, and keep your response low key.

Life will be much easier.

Did your H really think that he could present them with a grandchild and they would break down in tears, admit they had been awful and promise to change?
I can see why he might hope so but it was never going to happen, people like this will never change and to let them into your lives sets you all up for a lifetime of disappointment.
Just leave it completely, if your H wants any contact then support him but have none yourself and if he chooses not to then support that as well

The ball's in their court. Let them get in touch. If they don't, they don't. If they don't even ask whether or not you're planning to get your DS baptised or christened, assume they're not that interested, in which case why would you invite them? Invite people who have shown you that they care about your child!

What about your DH's siblings? Have they bothered being in contact or not since you all met up? If they have, I would be inclined to invite them (and any partners/ children) as these will be your DS's cousins, aunts and uncles.

I'm so sorry you have this stress in your life. I think that you and your DH should go NC. You have offered them this chance and they have chosen to respond in the manner that they did.

They are unlikely to be good grandparents and may even try to "weaponise" their contact with your DS in order to get at you and your DH.

Concentrate on building a happy and secure future without them in it; you, your DH and your DS can be a strong unit together without their poison dripping in. You gave them a chance to be decent. They declined to take it.

Your DH may need some support in order to grieve for the relationship and childhood that he should have had, perhaps some counselling may help? But your solid support and help in keeping them away will mean a lot, I'm sure. I'm sorry that he had such mediocre parents. I hope he knows that that's not his fault. Nothing he could have said or done would have made them behave any better, or made them give him the love and kindness that he deserved.

Wishing you happier times ahead. x

The parents are still trying to control the situation and are now punishing your DH in the hope that he will apologise so your baby has grand parents. This is all about power and they want all of it and you get none.

This is not how healthy relationships work.