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Original poster

Separate cakes at a joint birthday party

206 replies

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 12:54

Hi all,
We're organising a birthday party (5yo) for our DC and his friend. We didn't plan to organise anything this year, but a friend's mum suggested a joint party and we didn't object. I now have a feeling that they are just trying to arrange everything the way they like, at a split cost. I don't mind it too much but went a bit mad when his mum suggested baking a cake for 2 of them, taking only into account her son's cake shape and character preference, not asking about my DC's wishes. She is mediocre hobby baker and I would prefer ordering from a professional. My DS would like a cake in a different character shape and we wanted to adhere to this as it's his birthday. We mentioned this to friend's mum and she got pretty mad. She now doesn't even want to talk to us. I'm wondering, should I just give in or order a separate cake to fulfil my DC bday wish, as I've originally planned? Is having 2 cakes (similar size) uncommon at joint parties?

OP posts:
huuskymam · 10/10/2024 14:38

If she won't even talk to you because she's not getting her own way then you should abandon the idea of a joint birthday. Don't do anything to appease her. Your son will barely get a look in at his own party.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2024 14:38

I think joint parties can be really tricky!

We were so lucky to have these with a very easy going family for my dd’s 3 and 4 birthdays but it can get nasty so easily if people have fixed ideas or, as in your co-host’s case, a hidden agenda

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:35

jessmando · 10/10/2024 14:26

I am not sure that the other mum here is the only problem, my take is that the OP was very happy to let the other mum do all the hard work organising then blew her top about the cake. OP did you call your "friend" a mediocre home baker with a bland cake followed up with how much better store cakes are, maybe you hurt her feelings. Yes fine 2 cakes is a good idea, but I have a feeling that this isn't as one-sided as OP is letting on.

As it goes, they wanted a certain venue on a certain date, which actually overlaps with their DC's birth date. The venue wasn't to our taste, but we didn't object. I also arranged for the food catering, also not from a company I suggested, they wanted a cheaper option so I also didn't complain. They rejected my party favours proposal and ordered what they wanted, also due to costs. What I didn't like about the cake was the fact that she said that her DC wants character A, shared a photo saying 'I'll make this for both DC'. I only replied saying looks cool (never commenting on whether I like or don't like her cakes), but my DC said that he wants a cake with character B so we would prefer having a cake separately for DC. She then got mad and stopped the communication until this latest reply

OP posts:
littlemissmagic · 10/10/2024 14:31

Have shared parties with two other lovely families in the past. We all agreed to share a cake ordered from a bakery with the same theme.
If one of the families suggested separate cakes that would have been fine too. Some things are not worth arguing about.

Hopefully she has realised it is not worth falling out over and your kids have a fun party.
I guess you know not to share a party with that family again!

Sepoctnov · 10/10/2024 14:30

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:26

She replied back to me! She suggested baking 2 cakes for each child. I think that she hasn't registered that I've already placed the order with a baker. Maybe she really fears that the baker's one will be better than hers. Why are these things so complicated gosh. I think that I would've even accepted the 2 cake offer if she didn't ignore DC in the first place.

Just tell her you've already ordered your cake now and you want to save her the hassle. Really just keep it short and simple: "Hi Debbie, thanks for the offer but DC has chosen his cake now and I've ordered it now and will pick up on Tuesday. Looking forward to the party!"

Nothing wrong with shop bought cake at all BTW.

I would absolutely not back out of the party at this late stage, you'll end up looking like the llama drama not her.

angellinaballerina7 · 10/10/2024 14:28

I’m going to play devils advocate and maybe she feels like because you’ve not really voiced any opinion until this point, she’s had to do all the work and now you want to outshine her in some small way. I’m not saying it’s reasonable, it just comes across to me that way that you maybe weren’t very proactive so she’s annoyed you’re stepping in at the last hurdle.

I would find it really weird that the kids had to share a cake, so I would insist on separate ones, but as some kind of compromise could you get one from a supermarket and have a fancy one for at home?

lateatwork · 10/10/2024 14:26

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:06

I also described the cake we've now ordered to her so that we avoid our cake outshining hers, but as she didn't want to even accept us ordering cake elsewhere, I've decided to ping the baker on my own in the end. It's not gonna be massive and loaded
with decorations TBH.

Or maybe her cake will outshine yours.

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:26

She replied back to me! She suggested baking 2 cakes for each child. I think that she hasn't registered that I've already placed the order with a baker. Maybe she really fears that the baker's one will be better than hers. Why are these things so complicated gosh. I think that I would've even accepted the 2 cake offer if she didn't ignore DC in the first place.

OP posts:
jessmando · 10/10/2024 14:26

I am not sure that the other mum here is the only problem, my take is that the OP was very happy to let the other mum do all the hard work organising then blew her top about the cake. OP did you call your "friend" a mediocre home baker with a bland cake followed up with how much better store cakes are, maybe you hurt her feelings. Yes fine 2 cakes is a good idea, but I have a feeling that this isn't as one-sided as OP is letting on.

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:23

MouseMama · 10/10/2024 14:23

Some parents offer to share parties because they see you as a better than free party planner!

you need two cakes as they’ll both want to blow out their candles.

I've learned this the hard way as it seems.

OP posts:
ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 10/10/2024 14:23

My birthday is on the same day as my Dad's, so we've always shared a birthday cake.

But for two 5 y/o, I'd definitely have a cake for each birthday boy.

MouseMama · 10/10/2024 14:23

Some parents offer to share parties because they see you as a better than free party planner!

you need two cakes as they’ll both want to blow out their candles.

MaryEllenWaldron · 10/10/2024 14:21

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 13:05

Thank you all for the responses and splitting up sounds reasonable. Unfortunately, the party is due in 2 weeks so not much time to react. I probably did a poor job not escalating things early enough. I also thought that having separate cakes and candles makes both kids feel special (not much experience with shared parties). I also didn't want to go overboard with the cake in terms of size or decorations, but I'd rather get a nice one than a home baked cake which tastes bland. I just didn't get why she got offended by such a trivial thing. Or maybe not so trivial🤷🏻

Not trivial though. She thinks your child doesn't matter at al! Every child deserves their own birthday cake with their own candles to blow out. I agree with PPs who say that if this awful woman has already had go at you for daring to assume your child matters, she'll get worse. Do you want her at your DC's celebration? It's not too late to pull out and arrange your own.

ChanelBoucle · 10/10/2024 14:18

Why on earth is a grown woman losing her shit over a birthday cake?

Whyherewego · 10/10/2024 14:17

Absolutely separate cakes! Both kids need to blow out their own candles!

MSLRT · 10/10/2024 14:15

WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:12

Also, here on Mumsnet I've noticed several discussions on superiority of homemade cakes over the ones ordered from bakeries or stores. I don't quite get the negativity. I personally find home made ones boring and repetitive. I'd never say this to whoever makes their own cakes ofc. I also tend to bake cakes at home. The store bought ones might be prepared with more additives and sugar, but why so many people have a problem with this 1-2x a year? I get the financial aspect of it.

The irony. You are the one saying that store bought cakes are superior to homemade.

Attelina · 10/10/2024 14:15

'She now doesn't even want to talk to us. '

End this madness now.

Your child's birthday and party should not be overshadowed by bad feeling. On the day this woman is going to cause trouble.

Back out, cutting the ill feeling she has towards you.

'Hi Brenda, it's a shame that it's come to this but we are not longer going to have a joint party as you have created a bad atmosphere and your only interest is in sharing the bill for the venue, not making the party lovely for BOTH a children which includes two individual cakes for our children. Best wishes for your party and for Bertie's birthday.'

Then block and hold your own party.

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:14

StuntNun · 10/10/2024 13:58

My kids have always had separate cakes when we've organised joint birthday parties. I wouldn't order a professionally-made cake if the other parent was baking their own though as that might make their cake look bad. Could you compromise with a shop-bought cake?

That's a problematic point it seems. I would prefer the one made by a baker as they can decorate it with edible characters my son wants. This is not possible to get from a store. I see a cake to a large part as a surprise for my DC as he talks about this all the time. I also told to the baker not to decorate it too much. They will also cut the cake at the very end of the party.

OP posts:
Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:13

JingsMahBucket · 10/10/2024 14:07

@WittyOrca even though the party is only 2 weeks away, I’d still separate and go your own way. Maybe do your child’s party on the following weekend, etc. Have you paid the other mum any money?

Yes, we've paid in for the venue and decorations.

OP posts:
Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:12

Also, here on Mumsnet I've noticed several discussions on superiority of homemade cakes over the ones ordered from bakeries or stores. I don't quite get the negativity. I personally find home made ones boring and repetitive. I'd never say this to whoever makes their own cakes ofc. I also tend to bake cakes at home. The store bought ones might be prepared with more additives and sugar, but why so many people have a problem with this 1-2x a year? I get the financial aspect of it.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 10/10/2024 14:07

@WittyOrca even though the party is only 2 weeks away, I’d still separate and go your own way. Maybe do your child’s party on the following weekend, etc. Have you paid the other mum any money?

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:06

I also described the cake we've now ordered to her so that we avoid our cake outshining hers, but as she didn't want to even accept us ordering cake elsewhere, I've decided to ping the baker on my own in the end. It's not gonna be massive and loaded
with decorations TBH.

OP posts:
Addictedtococacola · 10/10/2024 14:03

Ive been to lots of joint parties and there has always been 2 cakes.
We also went to one that was for 3 children and there was 3 cakes.

Original poster
WittyOrca · 10/10/2024 14:02

I've tried her cakes before and didn't like the taste. I haven't shared the 'bland' comment with her of course, it's just our preference. I have also tasted great homemade cakes, but it's my personal preference to have it done by a professional I know and who owns a nice patisserie that caters to my
(and my husbands and DC's taste). For parties, I prefer to order cakes externally because it's a special occasion and I want to try out new flavours (and additives maybe yes). Why would I have to justify my cake choices anyway?

OP posts:
StuntNun · 10/10/2024 13:58

My kids have always had separate cakes when we've organised joint birthday parties. I wouldn't order a professionally-made cake if the other parent was baking their own though as that might make their cake look bad. Could you compromise with a shop-bought cake?