To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

The reason she's still not finished it at 10 pm is probably because of excessive relaxation at other times

In that situation YABU. As a teen (you don't say how old) she needs to take responsibility so if she had to stay up late to print it and be tired the next day then that's her fault. She will hopefully learn her lesson.

Saying to print it in the morning would have potentially meant a stressful night for your DD. You should have left them to it and gone to bed if you were tired.

Also, if she was on her phone at after 11pm, then what are the boundaries regarding her phone? My teen is NOT allowed his phone after 9.30pm. It locks and doesn't unlock until 7.30am the next morning. Same for his tablet.

It's still not appropriate to physically grab a phone off your child!

OP, you are married to a selfish loser.
Make quiet plans to ditch him.
Your children will be adults that will see clearly what a selfish waster their father was.
Have no doubt about that.

How old are your children?
If one is a teen, I can't imagine the other needs much "putting to bed" aside from you sticking your head in to say "phone off, good night" ir whatever.

Was DD crying because she was stuck or frustrated? Was it genuine or just playing up? Did she ask?

Ultimately no one acted well here. You grabbed her phone and yanked it out of her hand. That's not a good look and is quite aggressive behaviour towards your daughter.

Sounds like you have massively escalated this tbh

There are two separate issues here. The homework one is fairly easily addressed. Let your DD fail and get into trouble with school. She might get a few detentions but she needs to start taking responsibility for her schoolwork without you constantly being on her case.

The larger issue is that you sound very lonely and unsupported in your marriage and family life. YABU to expect a husband who has never done his share of parenting suddenly to change the habits of a lifetime. He has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie for years now - how you choose to respond to this is up to you.

@Aysegull @PaperLampshade My former boss told me (grinning) that he knew some dads work late so that they’d arrive home after their wives had put the kids to bed.
I don’t think all the criticism of the OP here is fair. Her husband chooses to be out of the house for long hours. When he’s there he doesn’t do any parenting. He sat watching TV ignoring his crying daughter. The daughter did other things like playing about on her phone all evening, then started her homework too late. For both the dd and dh to insist on doing the printing at bedtime is ridiculous.

@GrilledPrawn Putting aside the dh problem, it would help if you had a calm talk with your daughter, and tell her that while you’re happy to help her with homework tasks, getting the homework done is her responsibility. If she plays on her phone all evening and doesn’t then have time to do the homework, that’s a choice she’s made. Trying to do her time management for her is futile.

Because yes, it is done now, and nothing the OP can do can reverse time to alter it. It also focusses blame on her rather than her husband, who, despite whatever shortsighted (and likely hopeful) decisions OP (and HE!) has made, should be showing up for his wife and family no matter what.

TBH DH has never really helped with the children. From birth. He’s always chosen work over being with them.

I think you should prioritise your children and leave him. He isn't present anyway, but at least if he isn't living with you all there will be no repeated hurt. The effect of a non present parent who actually lives with you is really bad.

Interesting how people are defending his need for downtime, yet OP is expected to step up all of the rime - I'm not saying OP was in the right last night but I can see that her need to manage things comes from a place of wanting him to have some sort of involvement with his children.

Yes that’s why I said he’s “out” 15 hours a day, not working 15 hours a day.

I worked with someone very similar, except they didn’t have kids. He worked extremely long hours just to avoid going home to his wife, it was obvious he didn’t like her that much. I always wondered if they still together or finally split.

I don't understand this. All my dc just do their own homework. If you are having to intervene like this regularly then I think they probably need more support from school which is being masked by this much help at home.

He can't get near 50% because he's not there 50% of the waking hours. It's simple maths.

You escalated this.
Your husband is an issue but works a long day I'm not surprised he needs down time.
DD needs support managing her time to learn the skills for future because she also needs downtime.

Apologise to her when she gets home and sit downn with her with a tea and some biscuits IE a nice relaxed environment. Say you were sorry for shouting at her but it was late and you felt X, Y, Z and obviously the current routine isn't working for any of you and that must have made her stressed and unhappy (hopefully you'll get an apology here). Talk to her and ask her what she thinks is fair and what barriers she has to getting homework done. She might suprise you with her self awareness. Buy one of those phone prisons so she can have control and put her phone in it for an hour or whatever suits her to keep her focussed. Does she want to come home have a snack and drink and crack on? Does she prefer a break between school and home before she starts it? Does she have the correct resources available to her?

Yes. And she also suggests this is because of his lack of organisation, not that his job actually requires a 15-hour day.

I’ve said this on here before, but I had a colleague and friend who did exactly the same job as me, but did appear to be in the workplace for much longer hours, and apparently often went in on one if not two days at weekends.

I never gave it much thought until I met his wife, and noticed she was asking me a lot of questions about my job. It was only afterwards I realised that he’d been telling her the job needed incredibly long office days and extra work at weekends and she’d only realised when talking to me that I did exactly the same role during ordinary office hours and WFH at least one day a week.

And no, he wasn’t having an affair, he was just avoiding parenting his kids, taking them to sports, supervising homework, the gruntwork of being at home. When his wife divorced him, it was ‘too much pressure’ to have the children for more than a few hours at a time, and magically, once he had his own place, he worked far shorter hours and sat at home in his pants gaming at weekends.

i suspect this is what’s going on here.

You also had a chance to do something and you didn't, you could have printed it from your phone at the time and saved her the anxiety. You could also have planned it so she started her homework earlier instead of leaving it until the last minute.

15 hours, not 3. He is working far too many hours a day

Is he really working all those hours?

I think OP meant 6am to 9pm, so he’s out 15 hours a day, not 3…

Your H is a joke. Why the fuck is he working three hours a day and doing nothing to help with his family, children and home? What a failure.

Your daughter is a teenager. Surely she's too old for you and/or DH to be supervising her homework? A teenager should just be getting on with it, not needing help or supervision. And I don't really understand why it was a problem for her to print something out at 10.30pm.

That's different, though. Helping when asked for help is not the same as micro-managing homework. Many times, when homework is questioned, we are being told that it is assigned to get children prepped for doing independent learning. It's not independent if it needs prompting and monitoring from parents.
Children are responsible for their homework. Parents are there to provide support if a child asks for help. You can't spend years micro-managing every task your child does and then pull your hair out when they still ask you where their socks are at the age of 30.

I don't think homework is worth this.

Not at the expense of negativity, angst, arguments, crying, exhaustion.

And for what? Possibly an 8 instead of a 7. And I don't think any research supports that it does. So what?

If it's a 4 instead of a 3, then yes, but otherwise - simply not worth it.

If DH works 6-9 then he's physically not there for most of the the time that two teen/tween(?) children will need support after school.

I'm not sure how old DD is, but crying over homework makes her sound like a younger teen. So you (both) probably need better boundaries that you stick to.

If you could print off your phone in the morning, why didn't you just do it then and there (or suggest DD printed at school) rather than all this shouting over printers? The situation is clearly not ideal, but the aim should have been to just get DD off to bed, a solution for the homework identified, and a strict conversation (tomorrow) about not leaving things to the last minute.