To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

Just because lots of families are like this and the mothers miserable @VictoriaSpungecake, doesn't make it right.

It makes me a bit cross tbh. Because all the mothers who just put up with this shit from their husbands, are teaching their children that men are superior to women, can do what they like, and that the grunt work is women's work.

And then their kids set off in to the world to continue the cycle.

Not all kids can do the homework.

I remember staring at a blank page in my exercise book and an hour later it looking a mess as I had started and stopped trying to write a story about a subject and my mind had gone completely blank
I have read comprehension text then looked at the questions and read the text and looked at the text and can’t find answers to a single question

There must be a lot of unhappy households in Britain because this sounds like a typical scenario to me.

@ThatsNotMyTeen and dole teenagers need more guidance than others
The OP’s dd clearly does. She didn’t have an issue with doing the homework or fighting about that.
She was tired and annoyed at a printer not working. Helping her was absolutely the best thing to do

As always, your issue isn't your daughter- who sounds stressed and not good at managing her time. I agree you shouldn't have grabbed the phone off her because that just escalated further was sounds like a pretty unhappy family evening.
WHY are you putting up with your useless bloody husband?

Why are you with him?

She’s a teenager. Leave her to her own homework. I don’t understand parents getting over invested in kids homework other than ensuring they sit down and do it in primary school. Giving assistance where it’s asked for fine but if she’s old enough to sit sobbing over a piece of homework she’s old enough to get it done on time and ask for help. It’s on her if it’s not done and late not you.

maybe I am harsh but given how well my kids have done at school I don’t think so

Your bar is much too low.

And what did your h want to show you?!

The only thing I’ve seen him home early is when the World Cup is on.

So he can get organised to be home earlier when he wants to.

DD played us off each other and he only popped up in order to undermine me, not to help DD finish her homework. Or because he realised I’d picked up on him ignoring her sobs so he could watch tele.

Im not sure it’s playing g you two against each other. But she has one parent who says what she wants to hear so ofc she’ll jump at it!
But yes the not giving a shit when she was crying WAS bad. And he knew it. And I suspect he thought ‘dd just wants to print her stuff. I’ll sort that out as the big helpful dad that ‘KNOWS’ and ill be the hero that sort things out’ unlike dwife
Except his decision was off because he didn’t take any of the context into account.

I want to say you need a chat etc… but seeing that it has been his behaviour since dcs were born, I’m not sure it will take you anywhere tbh.

I do think that your dd was simply exhausted. Hence the crying and then getting upset, wanting things printed etc…. So yes the best thing was for her to be in bed, not on her phone!!

now DH decides to join in and tries to get the printer working, but it’s not responding. I know I can do the printing from my phone in the morning.
This makes things worse as it’s undermining my stance and now DD is siding with DH.

I’d have just gone to bed and left them to it.

She had another parent there, there was no need for you to interfere the first time. She had you there dealing with things in her room, there was no need for her dad to interfere that time. You’re both as shit as each other.

I’m with you OP. He needs to work with you to enforce sensible regimes and to step up if a child is distressed.

I think you are missing the real issue

It isn’t your dh and his work hours
It isn’t the fact your dh takes such a back seat with the children
It isn’t your dd not doing the prep
It isn’t her bedtime
It isn’t her phone
It isn’t her “laziness” at not starting the homework

Its the homework

Avoiding certain or all homework, sobbing over doing it. This is something to be concerned about

It also sounds like your other dc need extra input

To me there is something much deeper going on
Have you looked into things like dyslexia and ADHD

Your dd sounds exactly like me who would avoid certain homework because I had no idea how to even start doing it
I would do everything else but what I needed to do.
Everyone considered me lazy yet I felt I put in far more effort than anyone and would get pretty low marks for my extreme efforts
It was soul destroying
I even left school at the earliest time I could to get away from the homework

It took many years and sitting in on my dd’s Ed Psych assessment to realise that I too had dyslexia
Both dd and DS have been formally diagnosed

It took a few more years and my dd to come to me with the list of symptoms of ADHD and also ADHD in girls and ask the question, Did I think those symptoms matched her. They matched me as well as ds and thinking about it every one of my relatives.

My dd, ds and I have been diagnosed with ADHD

As others have said DH is the issue. Yes he’s working very long hours but he also needs to be a functioning member if the family.
You two need to have a serious chat about the shape of things to come so you work as a team for the family.

All the drama last night was because of the bigger things going on: DH uses his long hours to absolve himself of anything in the house, DD cannot manage her own HW and you're doing too much.

You will need to sort him out and make him do more. Save him housework and laundry for the weekend.

It's sad that your daughter was crying over a printer. She sounds quite stressed. You need to help her get into a better routine and ensure that she is doing no more than the bare minimum for HW. I am also concerned that she even needs to use a printer for HW. Maybe the expectations from the school are too high?

I really hope it was the aurora borealis ...

That last post was grim op. Your bar is far far too low, but you appear happy about it. I hope your daughter works out for herself what is and isn't acceptable, and doesn't copy you.

I'd be pretty appalled if my teen was crying over homework and DH was watching TV ignoring her! He sounds unhelpful.

I do think you need to introduce boundaries around phone use though, if you don't already have them. Mine have to leave their phones downstairs overnight so if they are staying up later, they're reading rather than being on a screen.

No, because I don’t expect teachers to parent.

Don't know why you are getting such a hard time!
you hear your daughter crying over homework. You assume her dad will ask her what's wrong/attempt to sort. He doesn't. You go downstairs and because it's late and you want her in bed you say you can print in the morning. DH now attempts to play good cop and says he will print! Of course thats crap! Why didn't he do it in the first place?
It's hard when you do EVERYTHING and just want your dc to do well and DH doesn't help even when he actually is present. I think the only way to avoid this is when DH eventually offered to do the printing you you just accepted it and went to bed, leaving them to it. Teens don't need to be in bed at 10.30. The odd late night weather it's for homework or social stuff is fine, just allow it.

Yeah because that’s the same.

And there was absolutely nothing g wrong with grabbing her phone. What were you supposed to do otherwise, just keep asking?

OK, so when she has it out at school and the teacher keeps asking, it's ok for them to grab it and physically remove it?

I think you need to do two things.

Over the weekend have conversation with your DD apologise to her about last night.

Make a plan going forward with expectations about when homework is to be done. If she is in Year 10 then explain to her that homework alongside revision once she is in year 11 next year is going to hard.

Work out how you can help her, maybe get a planner/wallchart where she can see what she needs to do and when.

Have a set bedtime maybe say 10pm Sunday and Thursday and later on Friday/Saturday night.

As for H I would be seriously be thinking whether to I would want to continue in this relationship or whether going forward alone with the children would be better.