To have grabbed phone off DD and shouted at DH

Missed that but she doesn’t say what she works - probs not the same hours her husband is doing 🤷‍♀️ she didn’t need to escalate the situation either way.

This. YOU are the problem.

Why does she need helping with her homework if she’s a teenager? Let her get on with it.

The OP reaching out for help now, on this issue and for her husband’s faults, is not a time to lay blame on the OP – especially for a one liner rhetorical question.

Don't you think you should be focusing your ire on kids who think they can do whatever the fuck they want?

I think this situation occurred because everyone was overtired and worked up.
There are much deeper problems than this one incident.
I wouldn't have taken the phone off her or made a fuss about bedtime. I would have left them dealing with the printer and she would have to face the consequences of being tired the next day.
How old is she OP? I might have missed where you said this. Difference between a 13 year old teen and a 17 year old.

Anyway, it sounds like your DH isn't pulling his weight at home. I can understand how this is arisen if he is working from 6 am to 9 pm. He must be exhausted. But what is the reason for doing this? Is it because he has to work those hours to bring in enough money to support the family or is it because he has checked out of family life and it's just an excuse because he'd rather be working than doing household tasks and spending time with the family?
If it's for financial reasons could you work more to bring in more money or could he change his job?

The situation is not sustainable.

As far as the homework goes, when you and DD are feeling calmer I think you should have a chat together about better planning of the homework, ie. not leaving it until the last minute; making sure things are printed out in good time (printers are a pain in the arse for not working at that moment when you say "oh, I'll just print this out quickly before I go to bed").
Can she start homework straight after school for example or after a short break? Did she start it very late or was it just too much?
Help her to organize her time better and then let her get on with it. She now knows what happens if she doesn't organize herself properly - everyone ends up getting overwhelmed and in tears.
Is she struggling at school and needs extra help?

Lots of questions really which you can talk to her about.

I can’t be bothered to engage with posters with a fixed agenda but, in case you were worried OP, you were not physically abusing your teenager by grabbing her phone from her hands.

You have decisions to make then.
Clearly he matters and not family .

Completely disagree We all have choices and decisions in life and it can be very helpful thinking back on our previous ones regardless of the outcome.

Grabbing it from their hands is physical. It never said she was screaming. And we don't know how old she even is, taking it from a 13 Yr old is very different to a 16 Yr old for example. A 16 year old can make decisions for themselves.
If you think pupils are politer to teachers, they aren't...

But I also can't imagine a world where a parent knowingly ignores their sobbing child.

That is the bit you need to tackle with your husband. Why did he ignore his child?

If she's finding homework this hard, then the best thing is to encourage her to attend the homework drop in sessions that most schools run at lunchtime

Why does a teenager need you to supervise and your permission to print her homework?

Surely you should be creating an environment where she does the homework and can do it.

But it shouldn't require micromanagement.

Why was she sobbing over homework? That's clearly really disturbing and needs tackling

Taking your phone off your screamy teen in the middle of the night because you are trying to make sure they sleep well is not abuse.
Parents and teachers are not the same. Teens will hand their phone over to a teacher. They won't always do their parents the same courtesy.

But, I am very happy for you @ThreeLocusts, that you worked that out. From these boards, it's clear that many many people do not, and simply follow the example set.

Of course I'm cross at the husband too @ThreeLocusts, he's completely useless. But the op is the only one who can do anything about it.

OP sometimes it seems that the first answer in a thread sets the tone, and not always the right one. Of course you weren't being controlling by wanting your teen to sleep at 10:30 on a school night.

That said, shouting doesn't help, but I think you know that. Try to disengage a bit, emotionally and where possible practically ( for example, cut corners with cooking), and consider all your options: separating when possible or reshuffling the burdens with H. Can't think of any others, sorry.

FFS. Victim blaming much? I don't think you have much of an idea how complex it can be to get out of such a situation. Try being cross at the husbands, perhaps?

And fyi, I grew up in a household of this type snd it did not teach me that 'men are superior'. To the contrary.

I've voted YANBU because I think you are overwhelmed and reacted in the only way an exhausted person can. But this is not sustainable. DH works long hours, yes, but this does not mean he gets to dump everything else on you, especially kids wellbeing. I think you both need to sit down and make a week plan of who is doing what and when, as well as bedtime and homework rules (etc) for the kids, then he can also be held accountable accordingly.

Grabbing something out of someone's hand IS physical abuse. A teacher would be suspended as minimum for it.

If your husband asked you for something and then grabbed it from your hand would you be so blasé?

Just because there are children going through worse abuse doesn't mean we can't call out minor abuses when they happen!

How dare you minimise the abuse that many children face by equating a parent grabbing a phone out of the hands of a belligerent teenager with physical abuse. All for the sake of point scoring on Mumsnet. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

As you clearly need it, here is a link to the NSPCC page on identifying physical child abuse: www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/physical-abuse/

I don't expect parents to resort to physical abuse...

It is though

It's an adult in authority who has told a child to do something and they haven't so they resort to physical actions

It's not ok to physically assault a child just because you're the parent

Don't hand the homework in. The world will not end. She will either be in trouble at school, or, hopefully, they will realise she is struggling with this section of work and offer extra help. One of my boys was not going well with high level maths in senior school. A lovely teacher said. I will be here in this room from 8am Tuesdays and Thursdays if anyone wants any help. My DS turned up to all of them. He is now, after graduating from a top uni in a commerce degree, an economic adviser to the government!!! One good teacher can turn things around. The school won't kow if you do the work for them though.
Printers are the bane of everybody's life. They are either out of ink or not working or not transmitting. Hopefully soon everything can be emailed.
In the meantime just buy another printer ( they are cheaper than the ink) and put it in your DD's room linked only to her computer..
Good luck