If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

I’m the oldest child of 4 and I firmly believe it’s too many kids. I love my siblings, but it was so chaotic growing up and my parents never had enough time or money and they were always arguing, which they couldn’t hide because our house was far too small for the number of people in it.

I’ll likely only have one child myself, and two of my siblings say two is their max (the fourth wants 3).

I don't remember it ever being a problem. You can drop one, then drop the next, home to do something towards tea, pick one up, etc. I never had a support system but somehow it worked out.

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper exactly - well said!

I never felt it was a shit show. I found four a bit easier than three, in a way. Something about the even number and the eldest being just a bit older and more independent (I had four in 8 years).

4 definitely has felt like a lot more than 3 to me. Its just a lot harder bringing 2 little ones along to the older siblings activities than it was with one little one (they go in different directions) I have a 1 year old, 3 year old and 2 who are school age. Love them all and they all love each other but definitely keeps me very busy because Ive met people who say that "oh my sister has 4 and she never goes out" and I don't want that for my kids, they have their activities and it's my job to make it happen. 4 is also the number where people look at you like you're a bit crazy haha.

I have three, 11, 8 and 3... it's already a shit show!
To be fair, eldest is awaiting ASD and ADHD diagnosis, middle ADHD, youngest is a menace. None of mine have ever slept until school age.
I'm also awaiting my own ASD and ADHD diagnosis... so had we all been NT, then maybe 4 would be OK...

It can be. Right now our eldest has decided to pull out of uni. Juggling is OK, until some throws in a bowling ball.

Normally everything is fine and lovely. But if there is a crisis things do go to shit for a few days.

My four are in their twenties now but I loved it! Organised chaos is how I would describe our life.

yes it is but i’m a lone parent so completely different situation! i often wish i only had one child though wouldn’t say it out loud of course

I know people like this too and made it my mission that I'd never put childcare on to my older ones (unless they actively asked to do it) so the older ones have never done stuff like making bottles, changing nappies or bathing toddlers etc. It's not their responsibility and I would never put it on them. My eldest sometimes asks if she can take my youngest out for the day and they both love that time together and I think it's because it's naturally occured rather than the responsibility being shoved on her from a young age. All the kids have such a lovely bond with each other that I genuinely can't imagine them saying they'd prefer not to have each other.

I have 4 and I love it, house is filled with laughter most of the time - of course they have their moments. Got lots of money which helps.

I grew up as an only child and it was miserable childhood and that part of my adulthood is miserable too. Obviously no matter how many children you have it might not be the ideal from a child pov.

kids turn into teenagers and adults. 8, 6 and 2 at the moment is just hard work and energy.... cooking cleaning bedtimes driving them to school etc..... its sort of just physical requirements on you.
when they get a bit older and there is a 9-10 year age gap then things get hard physically and mentally.....you have to divide yourself into 4 to meet 4 different sets of needs. Then things really start to feel hard - its not just a tired body but a tired mind and doubts about if you're doing it right. sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to fit everything in plus help with hard homework (secondary), or listen to one who is having friendship issues, plus do all the household finance admin, plus work to earn money, plus look after the one who is up in the night, plus all the school whatsapp groups, plus worrying about how to pay the bills, plus find time for you before you lose your mind, then another one is sick etc etc

DH is third of four, all 2 years apart. He obviously knows no different, but I personally wouldn't want to replicate his childhood.

I have jokingly asked MIL how she coped with all four and her reply is "they all kind of looked after each other after we'd had two". And tbh it seems kind of true. None of the children were supported to have their own hobbies or interests. My DH doesn't remember ever being asked if he had done his homework, or ever reading to his mum or doing spellings / times tables. They were all very much loved, but the family drifted through life in quite a hippy way, apart from poor FIL who was expected to work to pay for everything and also provide the only structure the children had.

Obviously, all that could also have been true if they only had 2 kids, but (from the outside) it seems that MIL wanted the big family with young kids and then kind of ran out of steam in terms of providing them with adequate support as they grew up.

If you do have more, make sure you have the ability to provide the level of support each individual requires throughout their entire childhood. It's not just about having the baby years again or a clutch of cute toddlers.

Your husband is right.

We have 5 (DD15, DD15, DS12, DD9 and DD6) including twins and honestly I genuinely do love it. But this is because both DH and I wanted a big family and are both happy with having a lot of children. We are also lucky to be very financially stable and so can easily afford having 5 kids. We'd never have had so many if it affected the children we already had.

It is definitely chaotic but I feel I manage better than I did when we had 3 to be honest, maybe because they are older now. I do struggle sometimes with managing hobbies and school and so so much more but it isn't as difficult as it used to be when they were much younger. Another thing is that I don't work full time and am mainly working from home so I have a lot more time to rest when the kids are at school and I can get household things done in peace meaning I am a much better mother generally when they do come home.

My kids all have their own bedrooms apart from DD9 and DD6 who share. We have a 7 seater car and a 5 seater. And we don't need to worry about financing holidays. Both DH and I love it That's why it works for us. Unfortunately, you might have to just let it go as it sounds like your DH is right but I promise you will still be happy with 3!!

I have four and it's not a shit show. It's a challenge to juggle their needs, characters and activities but they play like a team. They're all under 10 though, so early days. As parents we work hard to make sure they don't miss out due to being in a bigger family. And generally (not always) succeed. It does strike me I do twice as many swimming runs etc and sensible friends with 2!

I have 4 and its awesome, but we can afford for me to be a SAHM and when the dc were primary age, I had an after school ‘helper’ who could stay with the littles whilst I shuttled older dc to activities, so littles werent dragged pillar to post or missed naps to school pick up etc and older dc could still do sports etc. We didnt get many invites to other peoples houses though as descending with 4 dc overwhelmed most of my friends with 2 dc…we did a lot of meet ups at the park instead

Unfortunately I don’t know anyone as an adult who is from a big family who doesn’t feel it harmed them in some way (they would never say this to their parents and would say if asked they had a blast). The biggest factors being lack of attention, or having to do childcare when they should have been having a childhood.
I am sure these happy big families are out there, but I think you have to be an incredibly engaged, unusually emotionally intelligent parent to make it work.

I loved reading their posts, especially the Christmas sheep one and carols. I’m sure there was one about a winter living room too.

Edited to add I was one of 5 and hated every second of it. DH was one of 4 and doesn’t speak to his siblings. Neither of our parents had time for us individually and personally I hated being the eldest and expected to ‘help’ with my younger siblings.

I'm the youngest of four. It put me off having four. My two can have full attention. Their own style and clothes without constant hand me downs. More money for better things and a better start to adult life with the money we'll have saved by not spreading it too thin. I'd rather give two a high quality of life than four of lesser.

I'd have loved a big family if I was rich. And could have a break often so they got the best from me. But now they're teens, I'm looking forward to seeing where their life takes them. We can easily afford driving lessons and to buy them a car when the time comes. Maybe Ill have grandchildren to spoil after a good few years of looking after myself and my relationship. I'm entirely content with the ones I've got but I did have a couple of extreme broody moments. Then I spend time with toddlers and enjoy playing with them then handing them back! ☺️

I’m one of five siblings & have four children. This thread has prompted me to ask my older children they’re thoughts on this & the three I’ve spoken with late teen / early 20’s all agreed they’ve loved being one of four and wouldn’t change a thing they don’t feel they missed out on attention or having material things bought for them, they all agreed they would want at least three or four children themselves.

4 is way easier than 3
i have 5 decent age gaps though

I came here to say exactly this

I have 3DC at the moment and do plan to have one more, god willing. I am also one of 4 and absolutely adore my siblings. I can't imagine not having them and the childhood we had. I never felt that we didn't have enough time and was incredibly fortunate that money wasn't an issue for my parents, though is more of an issue for me and DH but we personally feel that the larger family and close knit siblings ( hopefully continues into adulthood ) is a huge privilege in life so are happy to cut back and compromise x

Multiple children simultaneously at university with minimum loan eligibility is not for the faint hearted. I’ve had finals, A levels & GCSEs coincide. They’ve been expected to work through gap years and university (we would have encouraged that regardless of number of children).

I work about 24 hours a week now (much less when the children were younger) dh does about 50 but we’ve always been in the position to be flexible with hours & location. We chose to live somewhere with plenty of amenities - rural is a nightmare with teens. The children all have/had several activities (county level sports, music, art, cadets, drama) so I’ve spend an awful lot of time (1-2 activities each night plus full day at the weekend) transporting them places but at least it’s all fairly close & we’ve got a timetable that nearly always works.

The time & financial pressure undoubtedly increase into the teens - I’m quite nostalgic about the primary school/toddler/baby stage.

They sometimes chose to do things together which helps!

(we’re both from bigger than average families - our siblings have gone one way or the other - no kids or 3/4/5)