If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

Yes it is. My mental health is shot to pieces. It was the worst pregnancy by far too. I am stretched so thin and whoever said they just slot in, lied

That's a huge assumption. Many women who choose to have large families keep it simple by making the family their chief occupation. They are focused on nothing but their family's needs. It would be hard if you were juggling more than a token amount of employment and focused on lots of external things. Otherwise, it's really not that hard when your family is your vocation.

(I don't necessarily think this intense focus on meeting family needs is overall the best thing for mothers overall, even if it's great for their kids, because it's usually at the expense of the mothers).

as pp said, if your DH doesn't want one everything else is irrelevant. Think about uni fees which are only going to get more expensive!

For those mothers saying it was a breeze having four teens are probably not meeting those children’s needs, unless they have multiple levels of daily hired help and even then it would be a stretch.
Having the time, resources and emotional capacity to truly parent teens really is not a walk in the park.

Those teens will have the same issues they all face, but they will have learnt not to bother their parents as they are just too busy.

The expense alone is crippling. And yes of course they can get the night bus at midnight and learn to fend for themselves, but you may not be comfortable with the risk involved and the worry.

You simply don’t have time to sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it’s the small stuff that matters.

Big families are great, and most parents wouldn’t change a thing, they love their children deeply and massively enjoyed having them. I know I have!

I know too many mothers of 4/5 kids that have totally burnt out overnight after running on empty, on anti depressants and living with that kind of pressure puts a big strain on marriages as well. Ofc it is off set by lots of benefits too, but honestly as lovely as having teenagers and young adults can be, it is not worry free.

It’s up to you op, it is just hormones and it will pass. I know mine did eventually!!

Being one of four certainly was.

Sometimes doesn’t work that way though, if the woman wants a baby often she gets the baby…. Either through sulking until the husband gives in, or by refusing to take birth control and refusing condoms. Yes I know the husband could then refuse to have sex.

No, it wasn't a shit show, but it was bloody hard work to keep everything and everyone organised. Mine were quite close in age (2 year gaps, more or less). DH worked very long hours and we had no family on tap to help. I also worked P/T (from home, very short hours) from when the youngest was about 18 months, so time was tight.

Adolescence brought different pressures, and now that they are adults we spend quite a lot of time keeping up with them all.

Would I do it again? Quite probably.

I am one of four! I didn’t have a crap childhood but in hindsight didn’t get full attention and looked after my siblings a lots (which has made me feel irritated as I got older). I used to be so embarrassed on holiday or days out that it looked like we were on a school trip - haha! My parents aren’t skint (not rich) and we all went to uni (when uni was way cheaper though) and had a mixture of uk and abroad holidays and did activities/clubs for example so lived a nice life in that respect. However chaotic house constantly - super tricky when a teenager and wanting private alone time and time to revise etc. I struggled with that. We would miss out on some things and I hated it when my mum would say ‘well there is four of you’ like that was the life we chose (so please don’t ever say these exact words).

I do live my siblings and would have preferred to have them than be an only child - but again I don’t know any other life. It is nice now we are grown ups having them all. Even as adults we fall out and it’s actually nice to know at least one will usually have you back.

i have three (didn’t mean to), and often wish I had two as a nice round 2.4 children number does seem to make life easier and cheaper for my friends with two.

There is currently a thread with a lady asking whether to have a third with some great insight into expenses of teens and young adults (uni/driving/clothing etc etc), which would be a good read for you OP.

I think these things are parenting personality issues rather than size of family issues. I am one of two and my mother was emotionally neglectful. It made sure I was quite different with my own.

A friend of mine felt like this but DH didn't want anymore children.

She became a surrogate.

My Goddaughter also became a surrogate and had 3 children, she is in contact with them all

I am one of four and although my parents met our basic needs, we all felt emotionally neglected to some degree. My mum enjoyed having babies/young children but struggled to have the energy to meet our needs when we became older and required more emotional support.

I really struggled at school and I was on my own as I didn't want to bother my parents. They also did not have the energy to encourage me to open up. It has impacted my relationship with my parents as an adult.

My parents now have grandchildren, and I know they are struggling keeping in contact with us all with visits etc. I am sure there is some regret there from them.

I do love my parents and siblings but, if my parents had stopped at 3…I feel we all would had more attention. Intrestingly, none of my siblings want more than 3 kids.

"Maybe it will get easier when they are a bit older"

🤣🤣 thanks for making me laugh this morning.

Yes, she was worth it. I was thinking that having more than one go through teenage years would be hard though. Although not all DC go through what DD did.

I like a quiet, peaceful life. I view the chaos and drudgery of a large family with horror though.

I'm glad your DD is doing well now. I'm sure you think she was worth it, even if it was hard at the time.

I think if you have a stay at home parent and lots of money, it would be OK.

Don't be silly.

I have four last two were twins so planned 3 and yeah bigger car , bigger house. A massive of extra curricular stuff to get through. It’s a lot tbh and I constantly seem to have masses of clean laundry hanging around.

@LoveTheRainAndSun DD is out the other side now, but the awful bullying affected her self confidence dreadfully. She is 24 now and after graduating and working for two years is about to start a masters. You wouldn't recognise the self confident young woman she has become compared to the shy and anxious teenager of 10 years ago. However, it took a very long time for this to happen.

Are we talking about 4 or 40? Four really isn’t that many children. Yes you need to work hard and be on the ball but honestly some of these comments are ludicrous.

There's no guarantee that you wouldn't get broody after having a fourth. Hormones are powerful and manipulative.

I've been through all that with one too but she was worth it. I wouldn't have wished for her to go through it for herself though. Of course it's hard for the parent but the child is worth it for me.

I've also got one medically complex seriously ill one at the moment. My heart hurts for them, it's not easy, but he is worth it.

I wouldn't be without any of my children, even the less straight forward ones.

I have 5 but I’d say do it, my youngest has a big age gap from her next sibling and I really wish I’d had another one so she had a sibling close in age, as all the fun things the others did when they were little with siblings my youngest sometimes feels like an only child as the others are so much older.

Yes
love them all dearly but I'm never calm and have very little time to myself. Ever. In the tiny amount of time I have no dc with me due to school or nursery I put away laundry and tidy up rooms and clean toilets. There are GREAT times, don't get me wrong, but it's stressful.

The thing is parents of large families have them because they want them, and this thread clearly shows that.

Very few parents of four or more wish they had stopped at two, so you are getting biased answers from both sides. I would have stopped at two if I had been able to have more children, but DD remained an only.

I was one of 4. The house was always chaotic and money was tight. I envied friends who were one of 2. I always wondered as a child why my parents had felt the need to have 4. I made my mind up early on to have no more than 2. One has Sen and it is harder than ever now they are teens. I am glad I didn't have more than 2.