If you have 4 kids is it a shit show?.. honestly

I Have 4, now aged between 17-28 , when they where all at home it was very expensive and you need to be very organised, they didn't go to loads of after skl stuff, they picked 1 activity. I had to work f/t holidays where hectic.

I got that too when no 3 was about 2. DH was up for it but I started to think about the future child and not just the being pregnant and having that gorgeous little one. What brought me to my senses was the realisation that I hadn't even taught my youngest to tie her shoes. It was a baby I wanted and less stroppy teenager that my eldest was showing signs of becoming. The broody feeling was intense though.

I agree it definitely depends on the kids too. My eldest is so fun and intelligent but 2 of him would be a lot. Some kids parents will say aren't a lot of work. A friends kid mostly plays lego by himself. But I suppose anyway this can change as they get older.

I agree the older ones definitely need you emotionally, but you do get pockets of time you learn to use wisely to make sure the older ones get time with you or DH. I make sure to get one to one time with them all regularly. This is really important.

DH dealt with 7yo and a meltdown this afternoon in one room whilst I chatted with my eldest about his driving lesson after school . They all need to feel valued.

But even spaced out surely the older ones still have needs? My teens need me much more than they ever did as toddlers.

Not difficult if they are spaced out.

Wait until they all turn into horrible, smelly tweens and teenagers who think they know everything! then come back to this thread. 😅

It’s interesting to hear the varied experiences from the other side (the DC) and might also depend on family position.

As the eldest in my family, younger siblings were often (usually) annoying and I had a lot of responsibility for them, which was a bit shit tbh. It put me off having my own DC for a long time.

It’s been hard to learn to consider myself versus being there to take care of others and finding a balance. i don’t think it’s fair to have more and expect the slack to be picked up by the older ones, but can’t see how that’s not inevitable, unless you have a nanny or grandparent living in the home as well. I say that as we had a lot of good extended family support, but it still wasn’t enough to cover what needed happen day to day at home.

It was quite a lonely experience as a teenager as felt I was expected to be independent and their wasn’t really any opportunity for spending relaxed time together.

As siblings, we are also very different people as adults and have different interests and priorities, In common, I think we all value our friendships and hobbies outside the family!

I have 2 close friends with 4 children. They both have really lovely kids and both friends have managed really well . All the children are adults now and lovely human beings .

I think it gets harder and certainly much more expensive as they get older… Any resources, including time has to be split further.

Also if they are all in good health with no disabilities consider how it could change the dynamic with another child who isn’t…which is what happened to a friend. You can’t predict what problems might occur.

Another friend’s marriage broke down due to the last pregnancy as the DH didn’t feel able to cope with more.

3 is already bigger than most families, on average below 2.

Perhaps consider if/how this impulse could be fulfilled in a different way? Through work or volunteering?

Yes it's mental my life has changed significantly. I have a 22 19 and 17 then a 14 year gap and a 3 year old. Life is manic again she's brilliant clever funny but extremely hard work and tbh I wasn't prepared for how different she could be, the older 3 are a lot more chilled. I'm exhausted 24/7 my house is a constant mess I work full time in a very stressful job. Before little one was born I had 4 nights a week in the gym nights out etc friends a clean house! and I've lost all of that because I have no help my husband works long hours and was away for a year and it's made our marriage very difficult, at times I don't want to be with him from being madly in love it's put a major strain on the relationship. The teens are a handful with their own problems. So as much as I adore them I've completely lost myself and it's been really hard. My 22 is at uni and the others are unreliable will help occasionally. My mum is older and not in good health and my family have all but gone away since covid it seems to have put the final nail in. The good is how much we all love her how much fun she is and she's so beautiful and clever I hope life will get a little easier again in time. Everyone is different as is every baby maybe you'll find it easy but I certainly don't ! But yours are closer in age perhaps my gap is too big. But I'd never ever change it I love her more than anything. I've been through a lot in the past 5 years other life issues so maybe I did it at the wrong time x just really think it through my older ones slept through this madam never has up every hour in first year now still gets up 3/7 nights I'd say and gets in bed kicking me while she sleeps. 😩🤣

I have 4 but circumstances mean life hasn't been as expected. In hindsight though, 4 on my own is probably a lot easier than it would've been if my "d"h hadn't buggered off during my last pregnancy 8 years ago.

I do have a reasonable age gap between the first 2 and last 2 though (they are 21, 17, 9 & 8) but it is honestly a struggle and you never know how life will pan out.

We're in a lovely phase ATM, they're all lovely bit that could change tomorrow.

Looking back, I'd only have had 3 but couldn't possibly pick which one I'd return now!

I think 3 is a lovely number, enjoy what the future brings as every stage is different and new with kids.

It's lovely now they are all grown up. Fucking expensive and exhausting getting them there. No regrets.

4 is the best number to have imo!! We have 5 (all adult now) when we had 4, they were a little team. I remember most Saturdays if we were all in the house, they'd spend all day writing a little play, making tickets and by tea time it would be ready for DH and me to watch!

Christmas was amazing with so many toys and games; so much fun.

By the time the 5th was born, they split to 2 groups because eldest dd was 14 by then.

My 4 are all adults now but the parenting never ends. Tbh if they never needed me for anything I'd probably feel a little lost. I won't say it was easy, not fitting in a regular car, not being able to afford holidays, and new uniforms etc for school was tough, but I wouldn't have changed a minute of it. I love the fact that if 2 argue, they've each got a separate sibling to rant to, and boy can those 4 argue lol. Having said that, if anyone of them need support they'll always have their own little tribe they can turn to.

You just do. Housework when they're asleep during the day, or them helping you dust, ironing when they've gone to bed, we even painted the hall, stairs and landing when I was pregnant with our fourth, then did other rooms when he was born. I would say I was always, always on the go, but I was never shattered, none of them slept till they were two, so broken sleep didn't exactly help!

I stopped at four because I felt my eldest wasn't getting the attention he deserved, and my DH was working away a lot. Otherwise I'd have had more.

None of my children ran around doing things for their brothers either, apart from the eldest occasionally taking one of his brothers to the toilet for me. I didn't think it was their duty to look after their brothers.

I hope that I don't neglect my 4. I work super hard to earn enough money that they don't lose out be being one of 4. They have their own rooms. Any extracurriculars they like, holidays every year and lots of treats at Christmas. I also spend lots of time with them and I'm interested in them and I talk to them individually lots. After reading this thread,(and starting to worry that no matter how hard I tried to give them a wonderful childhood, it was all doomed!) I asked them what it was like being one of four and if they liked it...

They all initially responded that they didn't know any different so how would they know? On closer pressing:

DC4 (7 years) chirpily stated it had definitely made his life better having his 'siberlings' (he is rather adored by all of them, so this makes sense)
DC3 (10 years) said it looked like it was expensive and quite alot of effort so he would probably stick at 2.... But if kids were free he would totally have 4
DC2 (13 years) said that there's 'alot of them and they are smelly'. She is the only girl. She did say if I was planning another she wouldn't mind as long as it was a sister. I assured her I was not.
Dc1 (15 years) suggested we get rid of DC3 because he is annoying (DC1 and 3 have the most tricky relationship that requires the most mediation!)

All in all, I suspect that 2-3 is probably optimum for the children tbh but as adults who are living our lives for us, not just our children, we get the choice to have more or less than that. However, you can't choose to have 4 and then complain that it's hard and busy..... That's the choice you made. And as much as possible, the children shouldn't lose too much from being in a larger family.

Same. I’m the youngest of five. I had the most amazing childhood and am super close to all my siblings now.

But. I have two. And won’t have more.

Fair post. The reality is that no family is perfect. Kids will all have their own opinion on their family they grew up in, and those opinions may vary widely. Then there's personality - some people are just glass half empty people. There will be those who complain about being from a large family, those who complain about being an only child or one of only two. There will be those who think the same is great. Some parents are more capable than others of managing one or many kids. Some struggle to meet the needs of one, some can manage to meet the needs of many, and vice versa.

I was one of just two and that helped me decide to have more than that.

How do you do it? I have a 2yr old and I'm so exhausted. I have an 8yo too and I feel I don't give them enough attention. How do you manage 3 let alone others with 4? Genuine question

I had four under six, and a husband who worked away for weeks on end. This happened after I had the last one, or I wouldn't have had four...

Anyway, you need to be absolutely and totally organised. I had no help at all, as our families lived away, so we just had to get on with it. My DH, when at home, was hands on from the minute he walked through the door so that helped, but I still remember being absolutely furious at the fact my youngest ended up falling asleep in the car whilst we picked up my eldest from Cubs. It was only one night a week, for a school year, but it was nearly the straw that broke the camel's back.

However, they're all grown up now and there's never been any moaning about not being able to do anything, and they've never said they missed out on anything by being a large family.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I absolutely loved having four of them all running around and miss it.

We have 4 and it’s great. We found going from 2-3 much harder than 3-4. The only downside was having to buy a larger car. They’re now teenagers and I love it. At times it’s chaos but then it also is at family/friends houses with two. A lot of time I think it was/is easier as they entertain each other and look out for each other and they’ve certainly learnt how to negotiate and compromise. Wouldn’t change it for the world.

After my 4th child I was I was unsure if I wanted any more, I went on to have a 5th, as soon as he was born I knew I didn't want anymore, now all adults they have an incredible bond and regularly socialise together.

Having four massively increases the risk of ending up a single parent. A lot of dads cant cope with that many kids and take off. Sad but true. Especially since he's already said he doesn't want another one. I'm not saying you'd go against that and have one anyway but if you did (or managed to convince him to have another) you'd be at risk of ending up as a single mother to four.