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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like being called by forename by kids

395 replies

BreakingDad77 · 09/10/2024 14:36

I don't know but somehow it feels odd when sons friends year 6 age range calling me by my forename. I haven't said anything but part of me feels I would prefer Mr surname or "sons name - dad".

OP posts:
PaperGloves · 11/10/2024 18:36

SimpleThings101 · 11/10/2024 18:31

It’s probably an age / generation thing.

When I was young this is how we were taught to address people by our family and school.

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It’s how I was taught, certainly. And it’s precisely why I didn’t teach my child to address adults ultra-formally, or to make his friends call me by my title and surname.

SimpleThings101 · 11/10/2024 18:31

mathanxiety · 11/10/2024 17:40

But why?

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It’s probably an age / generation thing.

When I was young this is how we were taught to address people by our family and school.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 18:19

Runnerinthenight · 09/10/2024 18:43

I'd never have done that! My kids coped. They could tell the difference. I might have referred to my dad as, "your grandad" to my children.

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Yes, children figure this out quite easily. My gd often got confused and said 'ask your mam' when he meant gdm, but we still understood.

TENSsion · 11/10/2024 18:16

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 18:11

How is that relevant to anything?

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Because their friends wouldn’t know the surname of the dad to be able to call him Mr whatever.

Calliopespa · 11/10/2024 18:14

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 18:11

How is that relevant to anything?

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I guess because a child might call the mother Mrs Friends-Surname when in fact she’s Mrs MaidenName

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 18:11

TENSsion · 09/10/2024 15:19

Not all children have the same last name as their dad.

How is that relevant to anything?

Calliopespa · 11/10/2024 17:49

Rhaenys · 11/10/2024 17:23

How is only some people being allowed to call you by your first name subtle?

I can understand in a school setting, but for the example in the OP I think it’s really weird. I know it’s supposed to be respectful, but it’s trying to enforce respect, which I think is actually disrespectful to the other person.

Basically, it doesn’t foster feelings of mutual respect.

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I guess I meant what you ask to be called is subtle if you compare it to other ways of signalling you are not wanting certain behaviours to encroach on other personal boundaries esp physical, and those instances are less subtle boundary issues.

For instance I often find it a bit uncomfortable when home alone and I get one of those over-familiar workmen. Often they mean well, but sometimes they just have that overly familiar, stand too close, call you “love”, ask what you are doing that night type of demeanour and I just feel better giving my name as a title and surname. I’d rather say “I’m Mrs Smith” than “ call me Yvette.” I find it a subtle way of signalling “ I’m finding you a bit over-familiar mate.” Or even just “ I’m someone who likes to hang back a bit.”

I think we should all be entitled to create space in this way, and I don’t think it should get labelled rude because that impacts on people’s ability to stand back in this way.

It isn’t pompous; it’s a way of saying “I’m perfectly happy to be polite but that’s it.” And I think it’s wrong to say that people shouldn’t have total freedom to create that space. It’s me being referred to, my name, my title. I think if you think of it as a brake on over-familiarity, you realise it isn’t always a pompous type of respect that’s being asked for; it’s the non-intrusive type of respect. I think people should be allowed that.

pluckyday · 11/10/2024 17:48

Goodbyeoldname · 09/10/2024 14:46

Good afternoon Mrs Patterson (Kevin and perry)

Ha! I read that in the appropriate voice :)

mathanxiety · 11/10/2024 17:40

SimpleThings101 · 09/10/2024 15:28

It’s not a proper form of address for a child speaking to an elder, unless within a family - in which case a familial name will be used, eg Mum, Dad, Uncle Firstname, Aunty Firstname.

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But why?

mathanxiety · 11/10/2024 17:37

There's a custom in the American South of calling women Mz [first name]. E.g. Mz. Jane, Mz. Penelope. I suppose Mr. [first name] would work too.
Mz spelled as pronounced.

I have personally always answered to my first name. Some children have asked what they should call me, and I've told them my first name is fine. Some have just assumed Mrs. Surname would be appropriate and ploughed ahead. I've always answered to that, too. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a child to use Mrs. Surname, though.

As my DCs' friends have all grown into adults, it's noticeable that all the girls (now women), even those who used to call me Mrs. Surname, use my first name, and all the men use Mrs. Surname.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:30

Moonshiners · 11/10/2024 17:22

It's class and regional and ethnicity based!
We use Auntie and Uncle for some family friends who are on our eastern European side. DH (Northerner) uses it for some family friends and my non-middle class friends use it for everyone older than their kids.

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So who doesn't do it? Posh MNers from the south of England I suppose? Is it like lunch and dinner?

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:28

SALaw · 11/10/2024 17:18

I didn't call my friend's parents Mr or Mrs in the 80s! Are you REALLY old as this is like something from the 1950s

I can confirm that it was like this in the 80s.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:27

MrsResponder · 10/10/2024 19:31

Reminds me of this from the great Maya Angelou.

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If that's the Opra clip, it was quite rude. Celebrities are often referred to by first name and the young woman didn't deserve to be humiliated.

Bikechic · 11/10/2024 17:25

Much worse is when DDs friends call me 'Miss' like I'm their teacher.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:25

Runnerinthenight · 09/10/2024 18:43

I'd never have done that! My kids coped. They could tell the difference. I might have referred to my dad as, "your grandad" to my children.

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Bit strange. Everyone else copes.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:24

OhTediosity · 09/10/2024 17:48

Has someone claimed that it is? It's heavily regional in my experience. Normal in parts of north England and Scotland. At my playgroup as a preschooler in the early 80s we were expected to address the staff as 'Auntie'.

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Normal in Wales too, but I don't know about young people.

Rhaenys · 11/10/2024 17:23

Calliopespa · 11/10/2024 14:38

Well the reality is we have different relationships with different people. Some of them we are closer to than others.

To be perfectly honest it’s these sorts of subtle distancing signals that help reinforce other personal boundaries.

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How is only some people being allowed to call you by your first name subtle?

I can understand in a school setting, but for the example in the OP I think it’s really weird. I know it’s supposed to be respectful, but it’s trying to enforce respect, which I think is actually disrespectful to the other person.

Basically, it doesn’t foster feelings of mutual respect.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:23

MrsSunshine2b · 09/10/2024 17:16

You don't "need" to be called Mrs anything. Calling your relatives Mum/Dad/Grandma etc. is more about affection for them as your dear family member, than formality. Also, you do have authority over your own kids, you do not have any authority over your kids' friends.

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I suppose he does have authority over them if they are having a playdate or something and their parents are not there.

Moonshiners · 11/10/2024 17:22

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:14

Oh is it? Is that another thing MN considers common?
My friends' children still call me aunty Gwen although I've told them they don't have to use the formal pronoun we have in Welsh.

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It's class and regional and ethnicity based!
We use Auntie and Uncle for some family friends who are on our eastern European side. DH (Northerner) uses it for some family friends and my non-middle class friends use it for everyone older than their kids.

Nothatgingerpirate · 11/10/2024 17:20

I'm 45, born in another country, no children.
Would absolutely insist on Mr. & Mrs. Surname, because that was the staple for me.
Why on earth would strange children address me by first name?

OrdsallChord · 11/10/2024 17:20

Nah, it's fine and I don't much like titles anyway. The less they get used, the better as far as I'm concerned.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:20

BreakingDad77 · 09/10/2024 16:44

I haven't said anything, that's partly why came here, wasn't sure if it's old fashioned stuff left over from my folks. They were older parents and I'm also an older parent.

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That explains the use of 'forename' for first name.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:18

Calliopespa · 09/10/2024 16:03

And your title is your title 🤷🏻‍♀️

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The title is not official though, it's not on the birth certificate, just a courtesy.

SALaw · 11/10/2024 17:18

I didn't call my friend's parents Mr or Mrs in the 80s! Are you REALLY old as this is like something from the 1950s

Gwenhwyfar · 11/10/2024 17:17

MrsJoanDanvers · 09/10/2024 15:48

Well yes,but Mumsnet is a British site and the predominant culture is western. If the OP had said that in his culture it’s the norm to address people as aunty/uncle so finds it rude in the west, that’s fair enough, but it was a general question. If someone started a post to say is Yorkshire pudding ok with any other meats apart from beef, there would be a lively debate-but a bit odd if someone threw in ‘but we eat noodles with everything in Asia’.

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Yes, but British people also use uncle and aunt for parents' friends, just that it seems to be in decline and some MNers don't like it.