To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

Quite simply, he does not want her to. I have her 99% of the time, she sees him maybe one Saturday for a few hours each month, again, that’s him, I’d love some free time weekends but she’s 15, I can’t force her to got
When asked why she can’t go away with him she’s met with “because I’m allowed space and free time”
also, I don’t want her to go away with him and his third woman of 2024 🤦‍♀️

No wonder she doesn't want to be with him over new year, it sounds like she hardly knows him. He sounds like a prick.

If she's been used to being with you 99% of the time, it's probably hard for her when you want to do things without her, especially when her dad doesn't seem to want her and she has to go and be with him.

I feel for you as you're basically a lone parent. She'll see it differently when she's older, she'll realise you were always there for her and just wanted a little break.

Your child shouldn’t get to dictate what you do in your time when she is with her other parent.

I don't actually think she's being that unreasonable as her father doesn't seem to prioritise her

Does she actually want to go to her dad's?

You're the adult. Do it.

It's always a case of balancing needs. In this situation my opinion is that the balance is in favour of your and your partner. She is 15 after all, clearly getting her fair share of the family's holidays etc, but 15 is a sensitive age so I hope she's not too difficult if this is what you decide.

Don't give in to her.

Sounds like she might be more interested in a holiday then seeing her Mum on her birthday.

Your post is confusing, or maybe it's just me.

are you saying your daughter is with you at Christmas as her dad is spending it it France.

Her dad returns and your daughter will be with her dad then.

So you'll be childfree and want to go away with your partner.

If that's the case...do it.

Nope sorry. She's with her Dad. Not actually her business what you are up to.

I think she's being a little unreasonable but I can understand a teenager feeling like her parents are abandoning her over the holidays - first her dad disappears over Christmas, then her mum over new year and she's being shunted around to suit your schedules. It's not fair of her, but she's young and probably feeling insecure.

Perhaps she feels as if she is the short straw - she gets packed off to yours so that her dad can go away, and then she gets packed off to her dad's so that you can go away. She's probably feeling like a burden that has to be shipped around so that her parents can have a nice time. She probably feels like everyone else is the priority and not her. If you and her dad weren't divorced and were going away, presumably she'd likely be coming with you since it would be over the festive period, so she might be feeling that this is another way she loses out due to your divorce. I don't think that means that you shouldn't go but I do think a conversation with her so she can express her feelings will go a long way to helping her deal with this and reassuring her that you do love her and want to spend time with her.

Are you intending to go somewhere that she’d like to go to? Is this what the issue is?

I think looking at the bigger picture, children of divorce will naturally witness their parents living separate lives to them and sometimes this is hurtful, even if you aren’t doing anything technically wrong. You have to weigh up if this is where you want to draw your line in the sand, bearing in mind in a couple of years time she likely won’t care one bit what you do.

She's being a bit of a brat (which is normal at her age), just explain that she'll be with her Dad anyway and it's fine for you and DP to have some grown up time- it's only 2 days! Tell her you'll video call her on your birthday and have a late celebration when you're all home.

i think you really know the answer...

on the one hand she is right, everyone is getting to do what they want to do over the festive season, but she's just being passed from pillar to post! why can't she go away with her dad at christmas and why can't she go away with you at new year?

but, you are also allowed a life as is her dad. She's at that age where she's beginning to notice these things, you just have to be firm, make sure she knows about the break away in december.. i can guarantee next year she will not want to spend time with any of you and will want to be doing things with her friends.

Is she not welcome to go away with her dad over Xmas either?

From her point of view, as she's only young, both parents are palming her off at different times so they can go away without her. It probably feels quite shit for her.

It's your birthday, fine, but what is her dads reason for not taking her away with him?

YANBU she's already having multiple holidays this year, so many people don't and or can't, she's really sounding a bit spoilt.

You are perfectly entitled to celebrate your birthday away if she's with her dad.

Tell her how lucky she is already and that when she has her own money she can go on holiday whenever she can afford it.

Some kids really push their luck imo.

I think it's lovely your child wants to be with you on your birthday.

You are not being unreasonable, but the sad and downtrodden martyrs on the thread will tell you that you are.

You're allowed to have a birthday treat that doesn't include her. Go and have a lovely time OP, she'll get over it! Maybe you and DD could have an afternoon tea or something when you get back to celebrate your birthday?

I’m wondering along the same lines. I think it’s a mix of general teenage ‘it’s not fair’ and possibly feeling like she’s been shoved like pass the parcel to each parent as a ‘well it’s my time to go off now’. There may be (likely wrongly) a feeling of being an unwanted burden whose parents don’t want around for fun things like holidays. I’d give plenty of reassurance that this is just a grown up holiday and one day she’ll appreciate it herself, but you can’t always sit at home just waiting for her to come back, not doing anything out of the ordinary in case it hurts her feelings. Her feelings may come from an unreasonable place for the most part, but telling her ‘it’s what’s happening get over it’, won’t fix things quickly.

You're entitled to go away with your partner op, I’d possibly not mention it in future if it’s just a few days away. Depends on your level of communication when she’s at her dads, would she have noticed if you’d not said anything?

@changedlife I didn't say people couldn't have child free breaks or that parents should pander to their children's moaning. I'm just sure most teenagers would be giving it the 'it's not fair' argument. She didn't really need to know anything when she will be at her dads anyway. People can do what they want.