To want to spend my Bday with partner and not family

OP has said that her daughter sees her dad for only a few hours a month, admits their relationship isn't good, and says she can't force her to go to his more often, implying the daughter does not want to go to his house and spend time with him at any time of the year.

That doesn't sound to me like the daughters only issue with going to her dads is that her mum is going away. It's just magnified the issue that's already there. OP won't force her daughter to go more during the rest of the year, but then does because it suits her now. It's shit for her daughter.

That's not what the OP has said though, is it? The DD is spending NY with her father and grandparents because her father swapped his plan to have DD for Xmas. DD has according to the OP become upset about this only 'on getting wind' OP was taking the opportunity to go away herself.
Nowhere has the OP said DD doesn't want to be with her father, or even that she wants to be with OP particularly, just that she feels its unfair her parents are getting holidays at Xmas and she isn't.
I don't lack compassion for the DD at all, I said I can see how her mind is working on this. All I said is that she will get over her upset with OP for having a holiday she isn't getting. Particularly in the context of how involved and interested OP is and how much she does with her on every other day of the year.
Whether DD will come to see her father as disinterested and the potential impact of that is a different matter. And not one that will be resolved by OP missing her trip.

I'm not referring to her feelings towards her dad, but towards OP. OP is interested in her DD. She's upset with her over this one thing.

Being upset at your daughter because she doesn't want to spend new year with a bloke who isn't interested in her, is very unfair. It's not the daughters fault that her dad is a selfish prick. Unfortunately when the other parent of your child is crap, it does mean you have to do more and be there more. (Also not fair)

I think OP and others should be understanding of the situation from the daughters point of view. Yes, it's shit for OP because she doesn't get to share parenting, and I'd like fathers like her ex to be punished for not stepping up, but those who have very little compassion for OPs daughter are heartless. It's not fair to be upset with her daughter because she doesn't want to spend time with a shot man. Be angry at the ex mate as for being such a fuck up. OPs daughter will get an adult soon enough and OP will have note freedom.

I'm not referring to her feelings towards her dad, but towards OP. OP is interested in her DD. She's upset with her over this one thing.

I think it more than 'smarts a bit' when you have to spend time with a parent who isn't in any way interested in you. Lots of adults struggle with their parents not being interested in them, even harder when you're a teen.

Can you just not leave her at home on her own if she doesn’t want to go to her dads? The situation sounds a bit like mine growing up and that’s what my mum used to do. I’d end up having a few friends round and it was fine.

My mum no longer has the issue now as I’ve not seen her in years. I’ve better things to do.

So, she doesn't actually want to spend the birthday with you, as she'll be at her dad's anyway? She's just upset that her parents are both getting holidays away over the Xmas period and she isn't?
She's 15. I can get why her mind is working that way...mum could have took ME away rather than go away with HIM.
However, that's life isn't it? Most of us have to come to terms at some point with the idea that we are indeed not our parents 'whole world', that mothers have other interests and other people who are important to them. Its smarts a bit, but she'll get used to the idea.

Yes, all of this. It's horrible that people are being negative about OPs daughter. Even the OP herself. Put yourself in her position, it's shit for her.

Thank you! It’s definitely not an “every other weekend” situation here. It’s a “when I feel like it” situation🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

It's no wonder she doesn't want to be with a 'father' she knows isn't interested in her. It's hard for you, but I think it must be even harder for her having to go and be where she's not wanted.

this is what i've been trying to say... all be it not very well

I don’t think you’re wrong at all for wanting a break away with your partner.

But I do understand why your daughter is upset. Her dad sounds pretty crap, and at 15 she’s old enough to notice that he’s crap. In her eyes she’s literally being forced to go and visit a person, who usually only wants to see her for a couple of hours a month. I wouldn’t want to spend my new year with someone who was showed that little interest in me either!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go. But I’m not sure your daughter is the spoilt little madam some people are making her out to be. If this was a relationship with any other man, who only ever wanted to see her on his terms, we’d tell her to steer clear. But because it’s her dad, she has no choice, she has to put up with it because that’s what’s ‘fair’.

In a couple of years, this won’t even be an issue. She’ll be an adult and old enough to make own choices. Her dad will reap what he sewed, when she puts the same effort in with him as he has with her. And so will you, as she realises exactly what you sacrificed, while he was off being useless.

Go on your holiday, and enjoy it. But try not to be too hard on her. It’s awful when you get old enough and realise your parent (in this case your daughter’s dad) doesn’t love you the way they should.

Except op doesn't pass her from pillar to post, she has her the majority of the time and wants 1 holiday with her partner as a single birthday treat. She's not leaving her at home or dropping her at her dad's door every friday and swanning off on her jollies or for a piss up is she.

Take no shit OP. Do not feel guilty about taking some of your rare child free time to yourself.

You are not foisting your child off
Your child has already had holidays
You are not abandoning your child
Your childcare schedule was determined according to the ex and the dc- you are working around them.

Tell her this is your other half’s gift to you. You are going away to do the things you want to do without compromise. She only gets a say if you get to demand certain choices and share her gifts on her birthday.

No surprise a 15 year old is over being passed from pillar to post so their parents can negotiate free time. She’s not a child now, she’s aware you both act like it’s an inconvenience and now she’s spending a chunk of time over the holiday with a man she barely sees or knows so you can go on holiday with your boyfriend.
No wonder she acts up.

But I thought the issue was you wanting to spend your birthday with your DP? But actually you’re selflessly thinking of the GPs?

I deal with this too. My ex and I have been divorced for 9 years and this is the 1st relationship i've been in since our divorce. We have been together for 4 years. My EX does EVERYYYYTHING with my son and they are always going and doing. When I do, my son feels as tho he's missing something fun and wants to tag along as well
SEND HER TO HER DADS! Get away with your partner - she will get over it and you never know when you may be able to get away with just the 2 of you again. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone - my favorite saying
"Take the Trip - Buy the Shoes & Eat the dang Cake"

@thursdaymurderclub

" He's not allowed to say 'because I'm allowed space and free time' yet you are when it suits you? "

That's a bit rich when op has DD 99% of the time.

Op your DD is 15, she will be seeing her father and his family, she will be fine, she just wants another holiday, not to actually spend time with you.
She is old enough to understand she doesn't always get what she wants, plans have been made, stick to them, you deserve some time away if you want to.

I thought this too!

Tell her to get over herself, she’ll be fine!

I do feel for you OP, but I think when the other parent is fairly absent, you do end up putting your own life on hold until your children are a bit older to make sure your children feel secure.

It's shit for you, but I think you need to consider how shit your daughter may feel. I have a 15 year old daughter and I think if me and her dad were separated, her dad was useless, and she spent most of her time with me, then she would probably feel crap about being shipped off to dads and feel a little abandoned in this situation.

I don't mean for a second that your are abandoning her, (this is a result of her crap father not you) but as a 15 year old without much life experience and spending 99% of her time with you, that's how she may feel.

I'm a bit confused now? she only sees her dad occasionally for a few hours once a month? She has no real relationship with him and i assume given your snippy comments about his 3rd woman of 2024 this arrangement suits you?

Now he's agreed to have her for New Years, or have you forced him to have her?

I can actually understand why DD is acting out, you don't want her because you want your loved up weekend away with your partner, and her dad doesn't want her for whatever reason, and you actually don't want her to spend time with her dad because of his revolving door of women in his life.

He's not allowed to say 'because I'm allowed space and free time' yet you are when it suits you?

Go! Your DD is being unreasonable, don't feel guilty.