Husband’s gym habit making me ill.

This describes my DH. He used to go into very extreme diets. An all or nothing kind of thing. He goes to the gym every morning but not so early as you DH.
One thing that is helping him him a lot is seing a dietitian. He also had a personal trainer for a while.
Its a good thing he is trying to get fit but he probably needs professional help as this doesnt seem healthy. He probably doesn't need to go to the gym for so many hours.

He does wake me if he gets up to use the loo. But then I can go right back to sleep as soon as he’s hopped back into bed.
When he gets up and goes out of the room, I just can’t seem to fall back to sleep. I try and sometimes an hour will pass and eventually I’ll drift off until the alarm, but the disruption wrecks me for the day. Most of the time after about an hour or so of laying there, I’ll just give in and drag myself up.

This is really your problem, if he got up and went out of the room to get changed etc and is really silent - its you that is having trouble getting back to sleep due to him not being in the bed, that really isn't his fault and he has offered to sleep else where. Its not as if he could creep into the spare room at 12 as you'd then not go back to sleep

Id suspect its more likely that you are peri menopausal and that is what preventing you sleeping after 4.30am if you are woken - try taking some magnesium and see if that helps. Join him in the gym and then go to bed earlier yourself

@RubyRedEye maybe he just suggested the lounge thing as a temporary compromise until the gym in the garage is finished? It sounds like you know the reason, but it's just going to be hard to get used to, even temporarily. Good luck with everything.

OP so he says he is going to the gym for four hours s day then he systems he's not going to sleep with you?

Forgive me but Id start getting my ducks in a row, get legal advice plus accumulate savings.

I didn't see your second comment, I have only just read most of the comments. And no, sharing a bed is obviously not the only point of being married, but if you're not getting much time with your partner for intimacy (not just talking about sexual), it's going to put a strain on the relationship. That's why most long distance relationships don't work.

At 4.30am @earlyoclock? That's very early for a secret tryst

I think that's a bit unfair @user645262 . I don't think @arethereanyleftatall sounded smug at all. They were just saying how much time fitness can take up if you are heavily involved in a particular sport, so it might not be as suspect as people are suggesting.

On the flipside @arethereanyleftatall , I can't imagine a woman getting up to hand an affair with him at 4.30am can you? Just a thought.

I agree with what others have said - if this is all about losing weight, he's really not doing it the most efficient way.
A decent PT would give him an exercise plan which would probably be no more than 1 hour a day that, combined with a proper eating plan, would help him tone up and lose weight.

If you have the room, why not invest in some home gym equipment.

I do think you’re being unreasonable in the sense you don’t want him to go that early. I’m a weight lifter… also work as a nursery nurse with two years old and I’m pretty bloody exhausted!! I get up twice a week and go at 6-7. Although I do think he spends too long there! It should be an hour x4 times a week. I manage to fit in four sessions a week and work full time 8-4 and 8-5 some weeks. I also have two kids. There is no need for him to be waking you when he gets up. I feel for me it helps with my mental health. If he can get up without waking you.. as in maybe get ready in another room it will help

Genuine question: If you are at the gym for four hours every single day, then who is doing all the chores, life admin and various tasks that normal people use their free time outside of work to complete? How do you have a social life if you're spending 4 hours daily doing weights and cardio? Do your friends have to come to the gym to meet you?

And if the disclaimer is that you don't actually spend 4 hours daily at the gym but only occasionally, then that's entirely irrelevant to his thread which is a debate about normalising a DAILY 4 hour sport habit. Most people can easily do 4 hours of sport if they wanted to, such as on weekends, but that's entirely beside the point of this thread.

People saying 'just go back to sleep' really have no clue how difficult sleep is for some people. I ended up sleeping in spare room when my partner got up early and I would still wake up when his alarm went off through the wall and not be able to get back to sleep. I also can't fall asleep if I know he is coming to bed after me. I wish I could and I try! Been a light sleeper since I was a child.

It sounds like you had a really productive conversation, well done. Maybe you guys could also introduce some new non-gym activities in to the week if he is struggling with empty nest as a way to spend some quality time together and introduce more fun and connection. Good luck!

That is a ridiculous amount of time to be training every day and if he thinks that’s good for his health he is incorrect, particularly if he’s not getting enough sleep. He sounds like a v selfish person who is suffering with an addiction. I would say he needs some sort of advice/therapy to get his life back in balance. You also need some sleep so let him sleep in the living room. Be firm with him that he has a problem he needs to address and he is causing your health to suffer and your partnership to suffer.

Are you saying the only point of being married is sharing a bed? Really?

I addressed this elsewhere - didn't realise op meant every night and agreed that wasn't sustainable. Couple of nights a week would be ok for us in our marriage.

You go to the gym for 4hrs every day? As said above, the excessive unfocused exercise won’t be good for him, and neither will the lack of sleep and weird diet.

Believe it or not there are quite a few of us that frequent the gym twice a day, personally, my reason is for my mental health.

OP, has or is your husband depressed by any chance? x

Do you just eat raw eggs, beans or protein shakes?

Gym addict here 🙋‍♀️ I think YABU. He’s prioritising health and well-being as everyone should. You’ll be thankful when he can use the loo himself when you’re old. Why don’t you go to bed early together and join him? Or just work on going back to sleep after he wakes you. I think stopping him is being controlling. Find a way to work around. I can absolutely do 4 hours in a gym, weights cardio swim steam sauna.. perfect 😎 nothing suspect there unless there are other problems there to begin with.

as someone with severe sciatica that is not fixable due to disk degeneration in the L5/S1, i am telling you, quite seriously, there are certain things he may be doing that will NOT be helping his sciatica, and actually making it worse.

There are movements and exercises that will set it off, and he NEEDS to see a dr, push for referral for an MRI, and speak to a physiotherapist before he does himself some irreparable damage.

As for making it more comfortable in bed, tell him to try laying on his side (The one its not affecting) and making sure his spine is as straight as possible, so bend the knees. a pillow between knees/ankles will help a little, keeping his top line level from neck to toe will prevent some of the pressure on the nerve.

Well done on forcing this conversation with him. It's a shame you had to get upset before he really listened to you. A PT session for both of you sounds a great idea.

Am I reading this right? He's going to the gym at 04.30hrs and again between 20.00/22.00? Every day?

That's insane.

But yes, if he insists on going at 04.30 he can sleep in another room.

I do like the gym in the morning, albeit 6 am not 4.30! How about flipping things round and he tries just going in the morning? I can’t imagine how he can sleep after being in the gym 8-10 at night, I struggle after doing a 7pm class.

If he’s only going in the morning, you would have the late afternoon/evening together, and can cook a nice meal that suits you both and you can both enjoy instead of living on shakes and eggs (which sounds bloody miserable). Go to bed early and then the early start isn’t such an impact.

I do sympathise with your position however no one can be working out effectively for 4 hours a day. Does he have a Garmin type watch which shows the type of benefit from his work out and the necessary recovery time? There may be much more effective, time efficient ways to achieve his goal.

If be suspicious sorry. I don't believe that's where he is xx

Sleep separately but meet up in ‘the marital bed’ first for cuddles etc. Sleeping separately for us is key to a happy marriage.

I don’t think anyone else has mentioned that the DH has sciatica which is keeping him awake. I know he probably won’t listen to you @RubyRedEye , but he really needs to find out what is causing his pain. If he leaves it for too long he is quite likely to get further problems especially if he is doing the wrong type of exercise. A physiotherapist and/or qualified PT could be helpful.

I agree that it’s gross he’s sleeping on the sofa without a sheet under him. Hopefully he wears pyjamas 😧