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Original poster

Is my sister ott or am being harsh

39 replies

Onthecarpet2002 · 09/10/2024 03:52

Our 80 year old dm is still in pretty good health for her age. She's got an alarm wrist band & takes her phone everywhere, even to the loo. She has very high anxiety & since she was widowed my sister has become so enmeshed in her life almost every spare second she has that it's suffocating.
I was speaking to our dm this evening on her landline. Sister is ringing her on her mobile at the same time. Constantly over & over for a minute until dm said she'll have to answer it as sister will be panicking. Panicking that somethings happened just because she's not answered after it within 1 minute?
I think it's rude to cut someone short on a phone call to answer the other phone. Also, sister was being so ott in panicking because dm not answered immediately, so much so she was going to get a neighbour to go round & check on her.
Dm has an alarm so I think the good neighbour will soon get cross if they have to pop round every time sister is panicking at the phone not being answered within one minute. Am I being harsh?

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 09/10/2024 07:18

Wishboneswishes · 09/10/2024 06:46

I disagree. Sister is causing problems for mum due to her anxiety. How is sisters constant panic and over the top reactions helping an already anxious elderly lady? I’d be talking to sister!

Show quote history

Talking to the sister is good advice. Lying to the sister bad advice.

Wishboneswishes · 09/10/2024 06:46

RawBloomers · 09/10/2024 06:02

This is bad advice unless your sister really is causing your mum more anxiety.

Show quote history

I disagree. Sister is causing problems for mum due to her anxiety. How is sisters constant panic and over the top reactions helping an already anxious elderly lady? I’d be talking to sister!

itwasnevermine · 09/10/2024 06:34

My nan was the same, even if you were in the middle of a phone call with her if her other phone rang she'd hang up and cut you off, because the person on the other line would panic.

That's not going to ruin her confidence, it's true. My nan was in worse health than your mum, but she was independent until the end. If she didn't answer when I called, I would text the family chat to ask if anyone else had spoken to her/was speaking to her because it's never nice, worrying about what could be happening. Even though she's in good health, your sister would probably think the worst case scenario.

I don't think it's anything to get het up about, she'll probably do the same to your sister if you ring her while they're speaking!

WillowTit · 09/10/2024 06:32

my dm's line was engaged for so long, i called her mobile and then i called BT

WillowTit · 09/10/2024 06:31

it would have been better if she hadnt hung up on you but still answered the mobile

RawBloomers · 09/10/2024 06:02

Wishboneswishes · 09/10/2024 05:42

I would speak to sister and explain that her behaviour is causing DM more anxiety. She’s ringing and calling for herself and her anxieties not your DMs. It sounds like you have lots of things in place for your DM which is great.

This is bad advice unless your sister really is causing your mum more anxiety.

Threeisme · 09/10/2024 05:54

Is it your sister that was widowed? If so, perhaps there is grief anxiety there which would be perfectly understandable. I'm sure your sister doesn't enjoy being this anxious either.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 09/10/2024 05:47

Why couldn’t your mum text her?

I have a serious illness and if my mum, or my partner or DS call and I don’t answer they get worried, and invariably will call back a few minutes later.

But that worry stems from the fact that the first time it happened when I didn’t answer it was because I was semi conscious on my kitchen floor and was carted off in an ambulance some minutes later and the next time they saw me I was on life support.

My health is stable now but that doesn’t stop them from worrying. So if they call and I can’t answer straight away I do tend to text that I’m busy with x or y and will then call them back later.

If your mum needs an alarm then clearly there is some justification for concern. So it’s just about finding that middle ground at this point, for everyone’s benefit.

Wishboneswishes · 09/10/2024 05:42

I would speak to sister and explain that her behaviour is causing DM more anxiety. She’s ringing and calling for herself and her anxieties not your DMs. It sounds like you have lots of things in place for your DM which is great.

Jengnr · 09/10/2024 05:41

Couldn’t your mum have texted?

PoliticalPossum · 09/10/2024 05:34

Talk to your sister all you want, but unless your mum is unhappy with the dynamic and speaks up this is going to end badly. You’ll just come across as interfering.

You sound more annoyed your DM hung up on you than anything else tbh.

Justsayit123 · 09/10/2024 05:20

Your sister is going to destroy your mums confidence.

MumChp · 09/10/2024 05:17

You can't change your sister.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/10/2024 05:00

Your dm is lucky to have two hands on dc keeping an eye on her. Everyone responds to situations in different ways and really there is nothing much you can do about how your dsis reacts. I wouldn't waste any energy on it. Teach your dm how to send a text saying call you later or whatever is on her phone so dsis knows she is fine. Its brilliant your dm is responsible about her alarm as lots of elderly are not so that's a plus.

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