To think cry it out is kinder than gentler methods

So overdramatic.

I was parented using CIO because my mum fell pregnant very soon after I was born and they had no other option as she was so unwell.

Throughout my childhood I have gone to my parents for anything and everything. They don't always say yes, and I'd never ask them for money, but I've never felt like this.

I remember some research about children undergoing painful medical procedures with and without their parents present.

Children without parents cried less during the procedure but showed elevated blood pressure and pulse (indicating pain and stress) for longer both during and after the procedure.

Children with parents there cried more during the procedure, but their observable measures of pain/stress were lower/lasted less time.

For a long time the fact the child cried more with parents there was taken to mean parents made things worse - when in fact it was more likely that children will voice their distress to a parent rather than a stranger.

Thought it might have some relevance to the argument.

Hyperbole, non?

I think crying it out method is kinder than having a child who doesn’t know how to sleep which sets them up for a lifetime of issues. Furthermore a sleep deprived parent is not healthy long term either.

Children need to learn how to sleep. Parents need to sleep. Nothing else helps them from my experience.

If you want to teach your child that you won’t come when they’re distressed and they need to give up trying to get comfort from you … then go ahead, use the “cry it out” method.

It works.
The child gives up hope.

I started sleep training as soon as I could as my husband works nights and the bedtimes/wakeups were killing me. Did a gentler, modified version of CIO. I would leave when settled, then DS would immediately cry. Left it 1 min, went in, quick cuddle (no longer than 2 mins) then back out, even if he was still stood up. Repeat but increased the time I was out of the room by 1 min each time. So 2 mins, then 3, then 4 etc. To a maximum of 7 mins. V rarely got to that long before he was asleep.

And it gradually reduced over a few nights to where I could put him to bed just drowsy and he would go off to sleep on his own and self settle through the night. Had to repeat the method when regressions came up, after illness etc. But it works and means he has never been in distress.

He’s 3 now and bedtime is finally a lovely part of the day that I look forward to and don’t dread!

Try Calm and Gentle Sleep Support. There is intervals of crying - 2 minutes, comfort, 3 minutes, comfort etc… but it worked in two days for us. It was actually significantly less crying than when we were trying to rock her to sleep and put her down!

I've also never kicked a dog but still know it would be cruel 🙄

I always find it strange how so many people who never did sleep train or cry it out just make non helpful comments on it being cruel.

We did sleep train and we did have to use cry it out. It actually helped me get to know DD so much better. I realised her sleep time cry was very different from cry of need. It was more of a protest cry than anything else.

I would recommend checking your babys temperament to see what methods suit them. Mine sounded like yours and any interaction just stimulated her. When we tried co sleeping she thought it was party time and was up for ages, as were we.

We did start off with a shorter period, like two mins, then waited 4 but that seemed to agitate her more, so we went for like 10 mins stretches, the. 12. But by night 3 she made no protest and slept through. She is a great sleeper and so content and happy in her own cot. I have zero regrets and roll my eyes at the comments of it being cruel.

I did shush pat when DD was around 12 months. I stayed with her the entire time, rubbing her back, stroking her face etc… but I didn’t pick her up. If she stood then I just laid her back down. First night she cried for 30 mins, second about 15 and 3rd night she pretty much went straight to sleep. After that we had no issues getting her to sleep unless sick or teething of course. Much gentler than CIO and no less effective.

I tried the no cry method and it was torturous. Finally broke down and just one night of CIO and two afternoon nap CIO and ds was able to self soothe and went happily to sleep.

I co slept with dc2 which simplified things - also very much against the prevailing wisdom of the day.

Bloody hell op you've done 15 months of interrupted sleep. That's torture. Different methods work for different people and babies, but, I say just do what you have to do to get a full night whether that's CIO, Ferber or co sleeping.
It sounds like you think cio will work best - trust yourself! You know your baby and your situation better than some randos on the internet. You will all feel so much better when you're getting sleep. Good luck!

My youngest woke up every 2-3 hours until the minute he turned 3 years old.

No idea why, but he needed me (reassurance, quick cuddle) to resettle. It was exhausting (I was working full time from when he was 15 months old), but we got through it and now he sleeps 11+ hours a night.

Leaving a young child to cry alone is heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I have no wisdom for you. I was coming here to say that we sleep trained ours at 7/8 months on the advice of a paediatrician relative. He said it's best to do it at that age, as they can't stand up or move round much, and it's easier for them to fall asleep if they are lying down already. I hope this may help some other posters.
I send all my best wishes to you OP, I hope you find a way to do it that works for you all, very soon.

If you want sleep, let them learn how to fall asleep from awake without you close beside them. Add in controlled crying as required if/when the child is older. My kids were (relatively well) sleeping through the night from around 9 months. Life was much more bearable. They are perfectly normal adults with no resulting trauma! Parents who do the whole lie-beside-the-bed-until-they’re-asleep routine then seem surprised when then child cries/comes through every time they wake at night. All that has happened is that the child has learned that they can’t get to sleep on their own. If you’re happy to have disturbed nights / co-sleep until 4/5/6 fair enough. I needed my sleep to cope with small kids.

Most children will naturally sleep through the night eventually. Mine both did at 2ish. I don't think we should be leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep. Surely attending to your baby in the night is a pretty basic expectation of a parent. Can't Dad help?

So sad for your poor kid. Do your job and help them get the sleep they need! Completely needless health issues building all because you can’t bear to be uncomfortable for a couple of nights

Then you definitely shouldn't cosleep. I was just saying what works for us. Everyone is different.

Hmm. Perhaps you're right, perhaps anger is the wrong word to use. Maybe I worded it badly - I think what I mean is that I think everyone should just do what works for them and shouldn't worry too much what anyone thinks? Everyone is different, has different kids, different life pressures. I know current parenting trends do tend to label sleep training as BAD and I think it must be hard not to feel defensive about it.

So apologies if I came across as judgemental as that's genuinely not how I feel. Just gave my perspective, which I suppose is the point of a public forum?

What about when they also don't like cosleeping?

CIO saved my sanity, ability to be a caring, patient mother, my marriage and my bond with my child.
DS1 woke up from aged 4 months to about 10 months repeatedly though out the night. By 10 months it was nearing every 20 mins. He would not co sleep. Turns out he is autistic which probably is linked.
I was literally going insane as was DH who was trying to hold do a very difficult 50 hour a week job.
We tried weeks of patting, stroking, etc. stopped feeding at night as that was all he wanted all night long. Tried gradual withdrawal he went mental
Then one night he woke up, as I asked DH to go but he didn't I was so exhausted I couldn't face it and kept going in and out of sleep 20 mins later he stopped, a whole hour later, he woke again, I decided to leave him, cried for 20.mkns then once again for 5 mins. He then slept solidly for about 3 hours.
The next night I actively decided to leave him, he cried for 10 mins then slept and the final night he woke moaned for a couple of minutes then slept.
He was a much much happier boy in the day and I became a functional human again. Didnt need to do it with dc3 but dc2 we did much sooner and never felt bad

He is a wonderful adult and we are very close.

My neighbours did this a few years ago. At the time I was unwell and was sleeping in the spare room (next to their kids room). At least 8 times in the night their child was crying, and screaming for them. For at least 30 minutes each time.
Doesn't seem ideal in those sort of circumstances.