To think cry it out is kinder than gentler methods

In fairness, there are many people (including some on this thread) who will confidently state that the reason some child wake in the night and cry out is because they have learnt that their parent will be with them at bedtime/in the night. Why wouldn't the opposite therefore be true?

FWIW I'm not against CIO, I just think these threads descend into mud slinging from all sides when there's little no longitudinal studies on it. For some people, that's a reason to do CIO, for others it's a reason not to.

As @BlueFlint said, parents generally know what will/won't work for their own children and how far they're willing to go.

What about a cot/bed in your room nearby?

Haven't read the whole thread but wanted to offer my experience with three non-sleepers. I think many don't realise just how awful the never ending broken nights are. When you are living off a max of 4 hours of broken sleep night after night after night for 15+ months, you get pretty desperate!!

Can't remember which of the many books it's from but we did pick up put down - pick them up and cuddle until calm, put them down and leave the room. Then give them 5+ minutes depending on the crying. If they were calming I'd give them a bit longer, if it was escalating I'd go back in and repeat until they fall asleep. Works faster if partner does it, but mine preferred his beauty sleep so it was all on me! Youngest is now 18 months and has slept through for a few months now and I have no idea how I managed so long on so little sleep. I now feel exhausted with just the one very occasional quick wake up!

I'd also work on the naps. I appreciate they're all different and this is just my experience, but all of mine were still napping twice a day at that age. Can you try to get a morning nap in around 10 or 10:30 then a later afternoon nap around 2pm so they're not so overtired by bedtime? I'd do whatever it takes, walking laps around the park or a well timed drive somewhere. Then in bed by 7pm, putting down awake and letting them self settle.

The problem with both methods is you're fighting against what small children naturally want: closeness to their parents. Co-sleeping was the norm for most of human history, and still is in most other countries.

Cry it out is not gentle but it works fast. Within 3 nights if you're strict. This was the method of choice when i had my first 2 in the early 90s.

But a kinder method came out late 90s that works just as well.

Controlled crying.

This is how it works. Keep a good routine at bedtime. So i put baby in a sleeping bag, little story, fed. Lay baby down. Turned on the cot music toy. And left the room. Shut door. No lights on in room.

If crying started, wait til it gets past a little fussing but don't leave til building to scream. Return. No lights on. Go in in dark, do not talk. If baby is stood up, just lay down. Quickly wipe any tears with your finger. Turn music back on.

Leave room.

Repeat as often as necessary. Do not lift the baby. A young baby that needs a night feed - you set the time for the night feed. So ideally, you go in and wake the baby for the feed. Don't feed in response to crying.

Another tip if you have a baby that cries at exactly the same time of night every night for a feed is to go in 10 mins before they usually wake and give the feed. That can stop that routine crying.

I did the phased distancing thing where you sit further and further away from them over a long period of time. It was months of my life it took so long but it did eventually work

Mine was screaming it out so it just wasn’t sustainable or fair to let her scream for so long so often the detached withdrawal was gentler but not on me.. 😂

This is the way. 👍

Yes, for some children I think it's far better. Months of crying with gentle methods, or 1 week of crying with sleep training.

The they don't 'sleep through' the night after CIO. They still wake but don't bother crying because they know that no one is coming for them. It's very sad.

My DD was the same. I would just cuddle up to her then slip away once she was in a deep sleep. She doesn't need me to cuddle her now at 3 and sleeps through pretty consistently.

You do have to get used to co sleeping. I think worrying they are going to fall out is going to affect your sleep too...so a bed guard would help or a bigger bed. But this was years of our life to get right so we just didn't fight it.

We had a simple method. Put toddlers to bed in their cots at 7.30. when inevitably woken in the night (and I say inevitable because we just thought it was normal to have some night waking) bring them into bed with us. It was a big bed.
Co sleeping till 7 30 or 8am in the morning.

We all had good long stretches of sleep and we never had to get up for the day at 5.30am.

I think co sleeping is just a thousand times easier.

This is with three children up to the age of 7, depending on who woke. They always went to sleep in their own beds and often didn't wake in the night at all. Twins in the mix. I could never have done what you describe with three children. It has to be co sleeping

You do you. I'm with you on the "no sleeping", I tried co-sleeping and it never worked. Didn't settle baby, I got less sleep. I wasn't a good mum on such little sleep. People love to tell you that you're evil incarnate for doing any form of CIO, just ignore them. You know what you can copy with. We now all get a full night's sleep and are well rested in the morning.

But then what is the point? That is just what naturally happens as DC age. My DC both did the same without any sleep training.

A two week old falling asleep after crying has nothing to do with learning to ‘self soothe’. Silly

Your expectations for toddler sleep seem to be off. 18 months is absolutely normal to still be waking up. According to the Lullaby Trust, 92% of 2-year-olds still wake up once a night and need resettling, and one of the big baby accounts found 91% on a big Instagram poll, too. Most aren't sleeping through - and that suggests that most sleep-trained babies aren't, either. I've got three friends who sleep-trained, but it didn't last for any of them. Perhaps some people fair better.

You can't say that your DS wouldn't have learned to self-settle, though, because you expected him to be able to sleep through at 18 months. He is the exception, by far, if he actually sleeps through now, and doesn't wake up and just not call out for you.

Your DD sounds like she has much lower sleep needs. I wouldn't worry about the length of wake windows, they're not very scientific. She needs the sleep that she needs.

My nearly three-year-old has started waking once a night in the past five months or so. Before that, he woke a lot more. He always needed me to settle him. He was out of a cot at 14 months as he could climb out - he stays in bed and calls for me. I can leave him now listening to his Yoto, but he would never tolerate the leave for a minute, lie him down and say goodnight type stuff, and I could never leave him to cry. I'm glad I didn't. I was brutally tired some days, but I did what felt right. He stays in his bed until around 4am most days now, then runs through to me for a cuddle and snoozes until around 6am. I love the cuddles. He's never taken himself downstairs or to play in the bathroom or whatever.

If you're going to go the CIO way, which some people do, there's nothing kind about any of the approaches. It's just going to have to be something you suck up to get to your end goal.

I think OP you know your own child. Co sleeping doesnt work for us either, pure disaster! You will know the difference between a cry that is looking for attention at night time, and a cry where there is something wrong. On occasion we have used the cry it out method. Do you have a baby monitor for her? I find it psychologically easier to use the monitor and set a timer, start with 5 minutes and check her on the monitor, decide if she needs you or not, no she's not in distress, I'll give her another 3 minutes, etc etc. Good luck. No sleep is so hard on everyone.

My parents used CIO (when I was too young to remember) and I definitely remember (at an older age) asking for and getting comfort from them in the night (e.g. for bad dreams). I just didn't need them there every time. Certainly I never thought that my parents wouldn't come when I was distressed.