To think cry it out is kinder than gentler methods

First 6 months in a bassinet in your room, right next to you.The move it a bit away. Then cit in the next room at about 12 months - buy a cheap mattress for the floor. You and DH alternate lying there until bub is asleep. Hold their hand, sing ,whatever. Shorten the amout of time you stay.
As I'm a sook any screaming in the night I bring into bed with me, all can sleep on their own now.
Good luck.

We are fairly good at being a team when it comes to bed time routines and sleep and wakings in the night, but we still can't co-sleep. Neither of us are comfortable with it, neither of us sleep, both of us wake up with pains. We've tried what you have outlined and I know it works for so many but it just isn't something that works for us. OP has repeatedly said co-sleeping doesn't work for her either!

I’m pretty sure the scientific evidence does state that sleep training is detrimental.

I think definitely do what you need to and what you're able to live with. I didn't sleep train, my son didn't sleep through until 2 years old and my daughter is on a similar trajectory. However, and it's a big one, I'm generally fine with little sleep hence my saying, do whatever you need to and can live with

The problem is people assume that all other children are the same as theirs and then go round criticising parents who do things differently.

If you have two with different personalities you understand better I think

Sounds like a perfect excuse for any behaviour then don't blame the child it's not nurture.
I've supported lots of families who's kids amazingly sleep through with me but not at home, who's kids are incapable of not screaming in the car without food but happily go in mine....that's conditioning X with do this if I, y won't.
Your child decided they didn't need you every night not all reach this stage

At about nine months, for some reason, feeding to sleep stopped working for DD1. She got absolutely frantic about it. There was literally nothing we could do that would have stopped her crying. I could feed her until she was sick and she would scream intermittently while not going to sleep. Or I could hold her while she screamed to be fed, or DH could hold her while she cried but did go to sleep in the end (she didn't scream as much with him because he didn't smell of milk).

We went with the third option as I didn't want to go straight from feeding to sleep to full sleep training, that felt harsh. And then we did do some sleep training to get her to fall asleep in the cot, but to be honest the hard bit was that first bit.

Would you leave an adult crying alone in a dark room? So why do it to a child? Babies need contact and reassurance.

How did you resettle?

@ChristmasCwtch "No idea why, but he needed me (reassurance, quick cuddle) to resettle"

This little snippet sums up to me why it just just about knowing your child. If it works for your child then sure, I can see why you would think it would be unkind to leave them. But one of mine would just stay awake as long as there was someone in with them. We could spend hours in with her, she'd be more or less happy, but she would not sleep. At all. She was permanently knackered so the kindest thing was to leave her a bit so she'd drop off, not hang out with her for hours on end in the middle of the night. By being there we were actually delaying her sleep, by hours on end.

We then had another baby who actually fell asleep when cuddled and soothed. So much easier! He got cuddled, of course he did. But it plain doesn't work for all children.

My method is, they start the night in their own bed. If they wake, they come into mine. If I was worried about them falling out (I'm not because they are in between me and DH) then I'd put bed guards on the bed. If she is too close or stopping me from sleeping I'll get up and sleep elsewhere and she can sleep with DH. This has massively helped at night. She's secure and no crying required. I'm no longer massively disturbed or up for any length of time in the night. I don't judge people that CIO but what you seem to be saying is that not crying it out= no sleep for you. Cosleeping= no sleep for you. There are ways round that eg getting your partner to help/cosleep. Kids wake in the night. It's natural for a small child to be scared if they are alone in the night without a parent. As both kids got older they came in less and less -this is the key point to bear in mind- cosleeping doesn't mean it will last forever- and I got more and more child free time in my bed. I actually quite like it now if youngest comes in - maybe one night in 3- as it's nice to get snuggles when she's getting so big. Eldest is 9 and only ever comes in with us if she's been ill in the night.

I wouldn’t call 3 years “temporary”. What my friend is still going through now…

This has been completely debunked. My kid comes to me for help multiple times a day and whenever he’s sad. Also cries out for me at night if he’s sick/has an actual problem. Total nonsense said to scare exhausted parents who are at the end of their tether.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5962992/
Here's a summary of some of the evidence. Further links included.

Randomised controlled trials are considered the highest form of evidence. Obviously every child is different, no study is perfect. But that applies to any study on any topic.

Have you tried Ferber method?
That's what we did with one first boy.. I think he was about 5/6 months though. Sleeps beautifully. Second son, did no training and is a rubbish sleeper 😂😂😂

Hahaha. Not true. Lots of babies will scream for hours no matter what you do. This is really not unusual!

You say she’s trying to get to you…so cuddle her.

Why does any child need to cry. Respond to their needs and they won't cry.

Yes it's tough, relentless, unforgiving. But it's temporary.

Or own the problem and say I'd rather my DC cry themselves to sleep than be tired myself.

You said it was a shit thing to do. That strongly implies detrimental.

I could just as easily make the claim that not sleep training and allowing your child to have disrupted sleep for years on end is a lazy and shit thing to do, because parents can’t bring themselves to do the “hard” thing and sleep train.

I don’t actually believe that, I’m just showing how easy it is to cast nasty assertions.

You’re welcome to an opinion, using words like lazy and shit (especially when your opinion isn’t supported by evidence) is unnecessary.

I felt my baby slept much better once trained.

Yes but that means you go to bed at 7 every night??

This is what we did too. Just check in, reassurance and few pats and left.

I reckon you should do it. When it works, in likely a very short period of time, you then get your mental and physical wellbeing restored. You will probably spend more time playing with the baby, being slightly more responsive, preparing an extra vegetable in the meal etc. A lot of this you may not even notice but it will be better for you and hence better for baby as well. Try not to feel bad about it.

We sleep trained our baby at 12 months by letting her cry it out with check ins and then increased the time. By night 3 she barely cried and by 4 was trained.
At around 20months we went on holiday and then had lots of family visiting so this went out the window. We trained her again at 2 and as she is older and more strong willed it took a week and a bit.
She sleeps so much better and we have our life back again.

what i did is not "weird* tyvm, withdrawing without offering physical comfort is teaching them you're there, so they're not on their own, and they can sleep knowing the person who comforts them is near by.

And no, having someone 'standing expressionlessly near' isn't comforting, but are you weirded out by him being in the room with you if you're sleeping and he isn't? thats 'weird' if you ask me, i've always felt safe knowing someone else is around if i want to sleep.

my ds is autistic, and nothing else worked, my presence and slow removing of myself helped him learn to self soothe and regulate his emotions without me adding sensory input of noise/touch into the equation.

He is now 18 (socially/emotionally still only 10ish really) and will still come and seek comfort from me at night if he feels sick or scared, or just wants a hug for whatever reason.

just because it isn't how you would things, or doesn't work for your kids/family, it doesn't make it weird.