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Original poster

To think cry it out is kinder than gentler methods

369 replies

notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 02:32

I’m getting to the point where I need to sleep train my 15 month old. I’m getting hardly any sleep and it’s getting me down.

The problem is gentle methods just wind her up. If she knows I’m there she just keeps screaming and trying to get to me. Her brother was the same and gentle methods didn’t work for him either.

AIBU to think cry it out is long term probably kinder … it worked after one night with ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:33

I don’t know about that marigold tbh. I think poor sleepers stay poor sleepers unless you intervene. Ds was 18 months when I finally sleep trained him and it was really starting to affect my relationship with him and with my husband as I was so angry and resentful.

It affects everything. My work is affected, my friendships have been affected (some permanently) my older child is affected, my relationship with my husband. It isn’t like the newborn days where it’s sort of expected - toddler poor sleep is a different level I think.

OP posts:
ichundich · 09/10/2024 03:32

I tried your gentle method with my first one; it didn't work for her either. With my second I co-slept and never had any sleeping issues. Could never do CIO.

MarigoldSpider · 09/10/2024 03:28

If you do nothing OP her sleep will get better on its own. It’s not at all unusual to still wake in the night at that age. It is very unlikely that she will be doing this at 6yo.

Do you have a partner?

Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:27

Sorry X post, I have the Lucy Wolfe book from no1 but my staying just seemed to work him up more, and dd seems similar.

OP posts:
Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:26

You don’t understand and that post makes it clear you don’t understand.

She cries. I go into her. Resettle her? How, when she’s standing up in the cot with her arms out? Our her down again and she stands up crying with her arms out, repeat, repeat, repeat, she gets more and more hysterical as you try to lie her down.

So you leave as you blithely say. And she is crying! Do that is … cry it out.

mine have never been left to cry

neither has this one ,.. yet. But I will have to if I’m going to get any sleep before 2025.

OP posts:
Jilkie · 09/10/2024 03:25

CIO is an extinction method also will be faster and arguably less confusing for the child than ferber etc- they learn you don't respond at night rather than being confused by you coming back and going again.

I used Lucy Wolfe stay and support which I thought was really good. DD regressed again and started waking in the night when she was older but we did have a good 10 months of her sleeping through the night after doing it. Also helpful for scheduling - it sounds like your little one might be overtired causing the frequent wakes!

MumChp · 09/10/2024 03:23

notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:11

You say cry it out is cruel but then describe ‘say goodnight. Left.’

I do that to DD … she cries.

so without wanting to be awkward that surely is a form of cry it out, unless your child does not cry in which case it is not needed in the first place!

Resettle child. Say goodnight and leave.
Don't do a lot. Focus is it's nighttime and not a lot of service offered. Mine have never been left to cry.

Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:22

Frontedadverbials · 09/10/2024 03:19

Agree OP, mine cried every time. If I left for 1 min, then 2, then 3 she just got more and more upset each time. It felt less cruel to let her cry until she slept then give her false hope at every interval, which made her near hysterical.

Show quote history

I’m glad it isn’t just me, that’s exactly what happens.

I am dreading it as it’s bloody awful listening to them howling but it really did give me my life back after one night with ds. It sounds awful but I just really dread being one of those parents still up at night with a six year old, you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:20

she is night weaned … this is the odd thing, she has a drink of water overnight but not milk. I honestly think it’s just a habit. But I really really need more sleep than I’m getting. I remember getting quite depressed with it all with ds, and while that hasn’t happened yet the feelings of frustration and sometimes anger overnight are familiar.

OP posts:
Frontedadverbials · 09/10/2024 03:19

notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:11

You say cry it out is cruel but then describe ‘say goodnight. Left.’

I do that to DD … she cries.

so without wanting to be awkward that surely is a form of cry it out, unless your child does not cry in which case it is not needed in the first place!

Agree OP, mine cried every time. If I left for 1 min, then 2, then 3 she just got more and more upset each time. It felt less cruel to let her cry until she slept then give her false hope at every interval, which made her near hysterical.

MarigoldSpider · 09/10/2024 03:19

I think there comes a point when you either have to decide to wait it out and get another parent more involved to make the nights more sustainable for you or you sleep train.

If you don’t want to wait it out or can’t get the other parent involved then sleep training is much of a muchness really.

Night weaning could be another option if you haven’t tried it already.

Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:11

You say cry it out is cruel but then describe ‘say goodnight. Left.’

I do that to DD … she cries.

so without wanting to be awkward that surely is a form of cry it out, unless your child does not cry in which case it is not needed in the first place!

OP posts:
MumChp · 09/10/2024 03:08

Crying out is cruel.
I resettled child. No pick up. Said goodnight. Left.
No play. No light. No fun. And repeat.

Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 03:00

I just found that got DS so worked up. He couldn’t understand why I was coming in and not comforting him (picking him up.)

OP posts:
daydreamingnightowl · 09/10/2024 02:56

I do get where you're coming from but I could never do total cry it out. I did timers - 2 mins and then back in, increase to 3 mins, increase to 4 mins and then I would keep doing 4 mins until asleep. I found it worked really well.

Original poster
notarisingfan · 09/10/2024 02:56

That sort of what I was envisioning @peppermintteacup

The current situation is just not sustainable for either of us. She’s getting nowhere near enough sleep.

Today she woke at 540. Nap at 12 woke at half one. I couldn’t get her to sleep until nearly 8pm. Woke at 12 then again at 130, just gone back to sleep now. Just isn’t anywhere near enough sleep.

OP posts:
peppermintteacup · 09/10/2024 02:53

Can you try letting her crying for just 10 minutes at a time, instead of the total cry it out method?
Then she knows you'll come back, but she knows it won't happen immediately and you'll get some sleep. It will take longer but not as long as methods with no leaving her for even a moment.

CRbear · 09/10/2024 02:48

Definitely could be kinder in the circumstances you describe! One night vs many etc.

Eenameenadeeka · 09/10/2024 02:45

There is nothing kind about cry it out.

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