Page 6 | Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

robertaplant · 2024-10-08T22:06:11+00:00

My GF & I were looking at theatre tickets in London as something fun to do, but then she mentioned it was the local beer festival and things shifted. She got upset because she realised hadn’t been added to our friends' WhatsApp group, saying that our mutual friend always adds his partner into everything. Since he created the group, she made me feel terrible about it, even though it wasn’t something I controlled. She then said she didn’t want to go to anyway and shut down the conversation. She then wonders why she doesn't have any friends...For perspective she's 38 but feels a lot younger around stuff like this. I know I should try to see things from her perspective, but it feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly when she starts pulling this victim crap on me. I literally can't handle it and want to run, but prior to that i get really really angry and i don't understand it.

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:34

@HollyKnight yeah maybe it is a bit strange. I suppose he probably just thought i'd invite her. His partner texts her directly but he doesn't tend to text her.

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ThatRareUmberJoker · 09/10/2024 00:34

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:32

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck i'm self employed and although don't work long hours, i am stressed. She's got a very high stress job and works long hours so i try and be very aware that she hasn't got much to give in the week, she just comes home, eats dinner, showers then has to go to bed when she's been on call.

Is she a nurse?

ThatRareUmberJoker · 09/10/2024 00:33

Have you asked her about past friendships or relationships she may have been badly hurt. Would she mind you going alone?

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:32

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck i'm self employed and although don't work long hours, i am stressed. She's got a very high stress job and works long hours so i try and be very aware that she hasn't got much to give in the week, she just comes home, eats dinner, showers then has to go to bed when she's been on call.

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HollyKnight · 09/10/2024 00:31

You don't think it is strange that a supposed mutual friend didn't invite her to the group chat? There is nothing mutual about that. You are his friend. She is not. So how is she wrong to say she doesn't have friends?

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:29

@dontcryformeargentina She's usually pretty calm and chilled and we got on well when it's just the 2 of us. She makes me feel calm and secure and loved but she's insecure around friendships/socialising and i don't get why -

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ThatRareUmberJoker · 09/10/2024 00:28

I would test the waters and go without her you will feel indifferent but hopefully she will go to the next meet up.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 09/10/2024 00:27

@robertaplant You talk about how she works a lot. How many hours a week do you work? Are you also tired or perhaps you have a less draining job?

ThatRareUmberJoker · 09/10/2024 00:26

What do you for for work op?
Do you keep yourself busy in the day?

dontcryformeargentina · 09/10/2024 00:26

The main questions to ask here- why you are with her? Is this relationship making you happy or is it emotionally taxing?

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:26

@offyoujollywelltrot Why is an unfolding story a dripfeed?

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ThatRareUmberJoker · 09/10/2024 00:24

LittleGreenDragons · 09/10/2024 00:15

You seem very angry. Maybe she's reacting to your anger subconsciously.

However, if you are being "triggered" by her, and her actions make you feel as though you are "being repeatedly punched in the gut" then maybe it's best if you end the relationship. For her sake. There's nothing worse than being around angry men.

Frustrated is a better word

offyoujollywelltrot · 09/10/2024 00:24

Oh great a drip feed.

Coruscations · 09/10/2024 00:22

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:01

@Sixteenandfourteen789 true i agree that getting angry is not ideal.
@Purposefullyporous Yes it's like literally everybody we come across has to go through a series of 'tests' to pass. Nobody gets the benefit of the doubt. She gets very easily jelous of any female friendships i've had, i've had to cull a few, but no big deal there. I now feel like a bit of an idiot this has gone on so long and i'm putting up with victim type behaviour which is surely enabling it.

It really sounds like this is not going to last and you may as well bring it to an end before things get worse.

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:21

@LittleGreenDragons yes you are probably right about that. I think it's exasperation and feeling like she's pretty hard to please.

For context, I make dinner every day, clean up every day, make her a packed lunch everyday, and feel like i don't know what else to do to make her know she's loved. i know they are 'tasks' but that's how i show love.

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Purposefullyporous · 09/10/2024 00:21

You are just incompatible.
She's a distrustful, introverted homebody who wants it to be just you and her.. and you are a sociable type who wants to have people over, go out and do things with people, have a large group of friends.
Long term you are going to make each other so miserable because this isn't an argument you can win. It's her personality. Neither of you are going to 'win' and magically the other will change their natural personality. You can't talk someone out of being like this. Either that's just how they are, or if they do change then it's a long journey they go on themselves.. it won't be due to you getting angry with them.

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:18

@TSMWEL Yes we have a nice time when it's just the 2 of us. And this couple are literally the only other couple we hang out with and we have fun with them.

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TSMWEL · 09/10/2024 00:15

@robertaplant if it's a pattern and it's tiring and giving you the ick then it's an issue isn't it? When do you have a nice time? When it's just you two and no one else involved?

So you weren't an admin, you say can you add in my gf? It's not difficult...

LittleGreenDragons · 09/10/2024 00:15

You seem very angry. Maybe she's reacting to your anger subconsciously.

However, if you are being "triggered" by her, and her actions make you feel as though you are "being repeatedly punched in the gut" then maybe it's best if you end the relationship. For her sake. There's nothing worse than being around angry men.

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:09

@TSMWEL
What is HTH?
I didn't create whatsapp group therefore only admins can add
Because it's a pattern not a one off and it's tiring
I love her and we have a nice time usually

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TSMWEL · 09/10/2024 00:07

Why didn't you just add her to the WhatsApp group to begin with?

Why are you using words like victim and triggering? It's a beer festival it's not that deep

Dump her, you clearly despise her.

HTH

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:06

@Josette77 Yeah it feels like some sort of drama triangle playing out and I can't put my finger on it. I think I have become a victim of pandering to this nonsense

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Josette77 · 09/10/2024 00:04

And in turn, becoming a victim yourself. She can't control you from seeing your friends. You need to have firm boundaries.

Add her to the group and see what happens. If she's still stroppy I'd go without her.

Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:03

@TomatoSandwiches What do you mean?

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Original poster

robertaplant · 09/10/2024 00:01

@Sixteenandfourteen789 true i agree that getting angry is not ideal.
@Purposefullyporous Yes it's like literally everybody we come across has to go through a series of 'tests' to pass. Nobody gets the benefit of the doubt. She gets very easily jelous of any female friendships i've had, i've had to cull a few, but no big deal there. I now feel like a bit of an idiot this has gone on so long and i'm putting up with victim type behaviour which is surely enabling it.

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