Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

Aren’t you doing the exact same thing as her?!

You have the ick because she is moaning about something and making herself a victim in a situation……….. yet here you are on Mumsnet moaning that you are feeling like you were punched in the gut because she expressed upset about a situation she was excluded from 🤷🏼‍♀️ very hypocritical.

Maybe she would get the ick if she knew you were on Mumsnet making yourself the victim of her upsetting moment.

’triggered’?
Leave your hard working nurse to find someone more strong. You don’t sound right for each other. You don’t seem very mature either.

Just dump her then, she sounds pathetic and hard work. Life too short and so many other options out there.

She sounds like she lacks maturity as well as the ability to communicate. She is also manipulating the situation and no wonder she is doing your head in.

If you told her honestly how you feel it would probably errupt into a massive argument because she is spoiled.

Or, you could end the relationship because the effect she is having on you is dreadful.

Stop overanalysing things - calling things 'victim mode' etc. Focus on you and your feelings.

If you've spoken about how frustrating it is when she gets the hump, and she still keeps on getting the hump, then you aren't suited.

However, from what you say (very confusing) sound slike you were plannign the theatre, then decided to go to a festival with friends that she hadn't been specifically invited to. Maybe she just preferred the theatre and was disappointed?

It sounds like you don't like her and she's your pet project ('putting her right') rather than a GF, so it's probably time to end it.

You need to work on how angry you're getting. That's not healthy. Honestly you don't sound very nice. "victim crap." "and she wonders why she doesn't have any friends." "I get really really angry." Ugh.

OP I am kind of in your GF’s position.

I have never really found it easy to make friends, I get on with people but for one reason or another people never approach me first it’s always the other way round.

My partner on the other hand has a fairly decent social circle, although he downplays it in front of me I think because he knows that it’s not the same for me.

But in general if there is anything social being arranged he is the one who is invited. We know the same people, but they always communicate with him, and I’m never part of that plan. And although he’ll tell me that I’m obviously invited, we both know that they expect him to bring me because we’re together, but that I’m not actively invited, iyswim.

And so I step back for his benefit.

Unlike your GF though I don’t expect him not to go, but if he gets invited somewhere I automatically assume that it’s him being invited and not us.

It doesn’t actually bother me that much. He’s come home on occasion and said “oh x has said that we definitely need to go together next time, they really want to see you,” so I suggest meeting up or doing something and suddenly they’re too busy, and then he gets an invite somewhere when they know I’m not available.

I’m not a victim, people are free to make their decisions about being a part of a friendship group, and I don’t expect my partner to pay the price for that. If I did go I know that we’d all get on, but I don’t want people to feel awkward if I’m there when they know that they hadn’t even thought that I should be included.

I think the last lines say it all. You don’t really want to hang out with her but with your new friends but then you get angry when she points out they are not her friends and she isn’t welcome

Then you get angry when she points out your plans and say she is acting like the victim

She sounds quite immature really, and oversensitive

I can understand where your gf is coming from.

Your friend doesn’t see you as a couple or rather he doesn’t see your gf as a friend otherwise he would have made her part of the WhatsApp group

Whilst the expectation is that you can invite her along to the Beer Festival and the friend won’t mind her coming along
You might not and it wouldn’t matter if she was there or not. She is in the position of being the hanger on in the group

Someone who turns up and people don’t mind being there but not worthy of a proper “invitation” suggesting that if she didn’t come it would be no big deal

Why didn’t you ask for her to be included in the group

I can see where her jealousy comes from if you won’t automatically ask for her to be included as an individual
I too would be asking why a partner didn’t want me to be included in arrangements

Think of it as being put in a position where in a group you have no voice. Your partner and others in the group aren’t interested enough to hear you speak/have an opinion on arrangements
Then when you point this out your partner gets angry

I'm still confused about the theatre plan and whose idea the beer festival was. Because if you had theatre plans with GF and are now blowing them off, I can see why she's upset. Also if it's just 2 couples and she wasn't added to the WhatsApp group, does that mean there's only 3 ppl in this group? And is the group just for this plan or is it for other plans also?

I think it's fun for you because they are your friends, and stressful for her because they are not and she is quite socially anxious.All this about the WhatsApp group is a red herring, an excuse.
I think you need to understand a d appreciate her social anxiety or i can't see a future.

so go to theatre - and be an arse that you aren’t with friends at festival and ruin the theatre experience by being angry and resentful with gf

or go to festival - and make your gf feel unwelcome and a burden and second choice and ‘not really attached to you’ because that’s fully the impression you are giving here and so no doubt to your friends about her

as well of course to her

she works hard and is tired and seeks to spend time with her bf

who is fun and gregarious and so nice buying theatre tickets

and he’s in a group organising something else he wants to go to on the same date

then he’s angry and frustrated that she is upset at being not only left out of festival group but that it was being planned for the same date as theatre

and you were doing that rather than saying ‘nope have plans with gf’ or ‘I have plans with gf but let me ask if she’d like to go to this instead’

your behaviour is showing her and your friends that you don’t really care about her at all - no wonder she’s upset

and your friends aren’t invested in her as your gf because you are not invested in her as your gf

unless it’s on your terms when you want to feel loved and secure (at home)

in public you are treating her like she is cramping your style

none of that is nice

none of that is loving

and being angry with her for feeling upset is likely increasing her anxiety and preference for you to be home together - cos when you are around others you treat her like an afterthought

it sounds appalling and destructive and manipulative

Not read the full thread apart from ops posts, so forgive me if I repeat anything that’s already been said.

From the perspective of Transactional Analysis, she does appear to be in victim mode. You are possibly getting the ick because this is most closely aligned with the position of the ‘child’.

It would seem from what you are saying that you are being pushed into ‘parent’ doing the bulk of cooking etc, being responsible for asking for her to be added onto the group. You are in effect, ‘rescuing’ her which enables her to reenact this dynamic, but undermines her ability to step into the position of equality and balance- the ‘adult’.

As she hasn’t written the post, you have, let’s focus on you. What need in you is being met be stepping into rescuer/parent mode? What would it feel like to give her an empowering ‘no’ from time to time?

If she needs peace and quiet after work, and your need to socialise are you able to strike up a balance of time away from each other too? Healthy relationships are not about being enmeshed. Are you able to assert your needs with compassion for both parties, or do you feel conflicted about doing that?

We can’t change other people, nor should we. However, if we are unhappy about how we feel when we react to the behaviour of others we owe it to ourselves to explore that, and grow. By doing the work on self, quite often we realise we no longer need to focus on the other as everything falls into place with the resulting changes in perspective and dynamics.

What was she like before you both moved to this new city? Did she have friends before or has she always been a bit of a loner and given to feeling slighted at the drop of a hat?

If she has a job that’s stressful, that’s long hours (and on call - so shift work sometimes? Or otherwise stuff that might make it hard to do something regular that would help build friendships more easily?) and in a new place, I can see why it might be hard to make friends. If that wasn’t what she was like before she may just be feeling a bit at sea about it all and the “victim mentality”, the super-sensitivity to feeling rejected by the friends you’ve made, may be due to insecurity about this that she’s responded badly to. If this is the case then there is hope for her - she just needs a bit of support to make some good friends and perhaps a bit of insight to make it easier. With that security her sensitivity should lessen.

But if she’s always been a bit like this then it points to a more fundamental incompatibility that you might need to think about whether you can live with long term.

‘Oh I didn’t know you could add people to chats and also I never asked my friend to add her and I just mentioned this festival but she wasn’t on top of the plans so got upset’ as She. Hadn’t. Been. Invited. You mentioning it is not an invite, you vaguely expecting your friends to make sure you don’t need to communicate with your girlfriend is not adequate and no wonder she feels insecure.

You're gaslighting big time

She sounds shy tbh & uncomfortable around your friends because her working hours (& post work exhaustion) mean they're your friends & not hers. I'm guessing she feels a bit like a gooseberry when she goes along.

You can't blame her for not making more of an effort with them when she works such long hours & is as exhausted as you describe. Socialising with ppl you feel uncomfortable around is tiring at the best of times.

Some people don't find socialising as easy as others, it doesn't make them victims. It sounds like she's telling you - her partner- that she's struggling with it, which is what you did when in a relationship.

And people here object to you using the word "triggered" when you mean you get annoyed and pissed off with her. You weren't triggered...triggered is for serious mental healh conditions, such as when someone living with the after effects of a serious trauma experiences an uncontrollable emotional flash back- as can happen with (c)ptsd.

Is she basically keeping you?
A lot of people who have social anxiety DO like to be specifically invited to things. Its not that weird. Calling her a victim over it is unkind. Its likely a lot easier for you to put energy into maintaining meaningful friendships because you project manage part time while she runs ragged full time doing shifts as a nurse - a profession with such a high burnout rate, then you get angry and berate her for being anxious about feeling like a tagalong at you and your mates festival weekend?

The best way to talk about it is to talk about yourself and how you feel. You're always in all the time and you understand how busy and tired she is but now and then you would like to go out and socialise with other people with her beside you. Hopefully she will understand and she will make an appearance. Tell her how wonderful she is and how much she means to you.

Couldn't you just ask your mate if he'll add her? Then she knows what plans are being made and it's up to her if she goes or not to outings.
Hard to tell if she is reacting to being miffed that the plan of London theatre tickets got changed. Did you make the plan, then change it yourself because you preferred the beer festival idea? How did she know about the festival if not on the group app? Did her friend mention it? I think maybe she was being passive bringing it up as a clash and hoped that you'd stick to the London plan you made with her.
If this is becoming a pattern of declining group activities, however, I can't see this relationship lasting if it's giving you the ick. If you're sociable, and she isn't, you're just not compatible.

No. You said he is the group admin so only he can invite people to the chat. It is clear that he sees you as his friend but she is just your girlfriend. He does not see her as a friend. That is what she is realising here. If he saw her as a friend he would have included her. You need to stop telling her she is wrong because she is not. It's perfectly normal to not want to spend time with people who aren't your friends.

Try and encourage her, bribe her somehow. She could be moody because of the hours she works. I would tell her how you feel in a nonjudgmental way.