Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

Let me give you some perspective. I recently moved cities with my partner. He already has some family here so frequently hangs out with them and made some friends this way. I work from home and, while I made some friends via my job, all my closest friends are back in London and I do feel pretty isolated. It does colour my judgement of how my partner and his friends act. They do very much exclude me from their group to the point where someone gets tickets to a gig and they only get enough to accommodate their immediate group and my partner. I don't exist as far as I am concerned.
I last saw his cousin 2 years ago even though we live in the same city and my partner sees him regularly. I just assumed they are not interested in getting to know me. Fair enough. I don't actually mind my partner socialising independently but when I never get invited to group things, it feels deliberate.
I do feel annoyed by it and I don't even bother discussing it with my partner or any of them. It sucks big time and has nothing to do with "victim mentality". Yes, we still spend a lot of time as a couple. That's not the point.
Fair enough, you don't manage whatsapp group but I don't see how difficult it is to ask your mate to add your partner in. You seem to lack basic empathy. Probably best to leave the relationship if that is the case.

So reading between the lines, she’s a hospital doctor or nurse. She’s in a highly stressful, shift-pattern job where she deals with people all day/night long , in potentially traumatic situations. It’s hardly surprising that she doesn’t want to come home from a long shift to a houseful of people- you need to plan and agree dates for things like that.

Your language choices are telling. You seem disproportionately angry and contemptuous of your partner. Your partner got upset about being left out of a group, and your response is to use trauma/ violence centred language around being punched/triggered. You talk about victim mentality when your partner disagrees with you. It looks like you’re trying to justify your anger. It’s probably safest for all if you separate- it’s hard to see how a relationship so deeply rooted in blame and contempt can survive.

I understand your concerns. You are someone who makes friends pretty easily, gives people the benefit of the doubt and doesn't read into things or take things personally. She sounds quite insecure - she seems naturally suspicious of people and sort of wants to them to prove her wrong (as opposed to being open and taking people at face value).

I don't have any solutions here really - apart from having a conversation with her about it at a time that you are not feeling angry or annoyed about it.

I can see how it is draining - she has taken being left out of the WhatsApp group as a deliberate exclusion whereas it is almost certainly not this at all - this happens all the time (sometimes I am added to a group and my partner isn't and vice versa). Some people complain about being added because of the 'spam'. You can't win.

Tbh she sounds crushingly boring and a pita. I'm in my 50s now and have been with DH a long time. It's important to have the same outlook on things like this. Could you picture yourself putting up with this shit for another 20 years? Sounds like she'd drive any friends you made away long before then. I have my own friends, DH has his own friends, we have some mutual friends. Noone gets worked up about who invites who to a beer festival or who is on a whatsapp group. Sounds completely draining to have to put up with

Jesus this all sounds like very hard work. You are two young healthy people seemingly with none of the major sources of stress - money worries, very young children, etc. This period of your life should be mostly fun and enjoyable, including in your home. I separated from my husband eventually for lots of reasons and post children but my memories of our first five years together are mostly really good - lots of socialising, holidays, having friends to stay, getting ti know each others friends, enjoying times with our own friends, etc etc. This all sounds very dull and hard and for no good reason really.

I think @GreyCarpet ’s post nails it. Has your gf ever talked about how her family relationships were growing up, or how school was for her? Her reaction/behaviour wasn’t formed in a vacuum, whatever the reason behind it.

You also say “everyone will want her there” in an earlier post, but being the one left out of the chat group and never being directly invited gives the impression that either they actually don’t, or they aren’t bothered either way if she’s there or not. Being rejected, excluded, or even just tolerated isn’t nice for anyone.

So, you spend almost day working alone and crave socialisation. She, as a nurse, spends all day day interacting with people and craves peace and quiet.

Your friend didn't add her to a group chat to festival she doesn't sound like she wanted to go anyway, and it pissed her off as she didn't feel included.

You respond with anger, all triggered, and call her a victim?? Then, turn to strangers on the Internet for advice?

Hmm, maybe split up. You don't seem able to communicate through actual words, packed lunches, and making dinner doesn't replace basic speech.

She sounds quite controlling. Are her arguments excuses to stop you going out?

Just ask your mate to add her to the whatsapp group

My OH friends and family always arrange stuff and put him in group messages - pisses me off they never include me, but it's basically because they know he will tell me and we go everywhere together anyway

Maybe she's just being over sensitive

No, the only time I've seen a woman say that then she has literally been punched in the gut due to DA They are not normal phrases at all and seem to be used for more extreme reactions. If all are used like this in a thread that usually means the OP is the problem. But that's my opinion, you have yours.

The more you write the more angry you appear to be. Not just frustrated as another pp said but angry, dismissive, resentful, contemptuous. Triggered, punched in gut, claiming to be a victim (shit), she got the arse, pandering.

Tbf, those are just turns of phrase that a lot of people use. It doesn't mean he literally feels like he's been punched in the gut.

I've never seen a woman be berated on here for saying similar. It's generally been accepted as a way of expressing upset and a negative emotional impact.

If I was not included in a WhatsApp group, I woukd assume I wasn't invited. I'm not joined at the hip to my DH. But besides that, once your partner gives you the 'ick' it's the end of the relationship.

Are you a lot younger than her? You sound pretty immature with the words you're using and what you're saying.

The more you write the more angry you appear to be. Not just frustrated as another pp said but angry, dismissive, resentful, contemptuous. Triggered, punched in gut, claiming to be a victim (shit), she got the arse, pandering.

Quite honestly there's only one person claiming victimhood (according to your own words) and that is you. You are angry and me, me, me and she sounds normal. Maybe she's picking up on your anger and frustration and that is knocking her self confidence and so the cycle continues. Let her go and you do some work on yourself. I repeat my earlier comment - nobody likes an angry man.

Insecurity and immaturity are never a good look. Have you told her that her behaviour is affecting how you see her? Is she aware of her behaviour? At the end of the day this is who she is and if she doesn’t want to change, you can’t make her.

The ball is always in the court of the person who doesn’t like the status quo.

Yeah it's tedious. This is not a gender thing - men pull this crap too. Couldn't be arsed with it myself. Move on.

I agree with this.

OP, she isn't their friend, they are yours. Maybe she already suspected this and maybe it's a dawning realisation.

I'm not saying the following is necessarily true of, or definitely applicable to your girlfriend, but just as an illustration of how these patterns can emerge.

It's likely there is a reason for this stemming back to her childhood. Either trouble in the familial relationships; friendships troubles at school and patterns of behaviour she recognises from previous romantic relationships. If this is the case, it's likely to be more than one of these. Especially if the issues stem from familial relationships.

You admit it's strange she wasn't included in the group chat but think it doesn't matter because everyone knows you will invite her anyway. To her, it would feel like more rejection and more exclusion. Just more 'proof' that she isn't liked, doesn't have any friends and is being 'tolerated' for your sake.

This will make her feel shit about herself.

As a result, she may quietly think you'd be better off with someone else, wonders why you aren't with someone that other people like, maybe you don't actually 'like' her either?

If there is family stuff to explain it, she might feel guilty or ashamed and she might feel bad for you that you are with someome that other people don't like; someone who not even your mutual friends wants to actively include.

Things are good when it's just the two of you because thats safe but other people might feel 'risky' to her. That doesn't make it healthy or right but if that's how she feels, it won't be something she can just logic herself out of.

When you get angry, it will just reinforce this negative spiral of thinking.

Like I say, I'm not saying that the above is true of her - I don't know her! My point was that these patterns of thinking are often very complex and make perfect sense to the person experiencing it.

And tbh, I'd agree with her that these people don't much, or actively like, her. It is strange to set up a group event and include everyone but one person on the assumption someone else will invite her anyway if they are supposed to be mutual friends - it would be normal if they'd never met her or barely knew her. It has sent a clear message to her that they don't actively want her there. And that is what she has heard.

She's also been/being excluded from any of the chat or planning around it and we all know that that is where the fun starts. Instead, she's just being expected to turn up on the day already on the back foot and when she already feels bad about herself.

This is not the relationship for you and she is giving you the ick. Her default is the victim stance and you seem triggered by it, so I would call time on this honestly.

You sound like you're cut from the same cloth tbh. Punch in the gut? Who's playing victim there? Clearly this woman's behaviour isn't something you're happy with so you either tolerate it because her other qualities compensate or you leave her. It will do no one any good to play who's hurt who the most.

You're obviously very social and need more contact if you are WFH. I'm sure some compromise is possible. I agree she is being a bit over sensitive about WhatsApp groups.Not sure why the insistence that she acts like a victim though.

I came on to say that! Sometimes I’ve noticed things that wind you up unreasonably/disproportionately about other people are traits that you have a problem with yourself, but you might not realise.

"I was triggered when I wrote it."

Now who's playing the victim?!

That's quite the reaction. What age are you?

Over dramatic from both sides so if this normal you both need to examine how you both look at things and grow up.

I’m not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship, but reading about the drama triangle might help you understand your reaction when you think she’s taking the victim role.
Typically if she’s being a victim, you’ll act as a rescuer or a persecutor, if you recognise this pattern you can stop it. It’s very difficult to stay as a victim if you react in a way that doesn’t encourage it. Eg. “Sorry you felt left out, what could we do to feel more part of things?” And let her answer. You give her the opportunity to rescue herself from her victimhood. An answer could be, go to the beer festival, ask to be part of the WhatsApp group, plan a night out with friends, etc.

When was this group created?
Since you have realised he is a distracted new dad, have you reminded him to add your GF?

If you think your friends are becoming her friends, why does the invites have to go through you?

She may have a victim mentality.
You may also have a blaming-my-GF-mentality even in situations where she understandably is upset.
You seem to find grace to excuse others for their imperfections, but not your GF.

Maybe, you both are not right for each other?