Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

Haven't RTFT.

Going out with someone who has a victim complex is extremely draining. They seldom acknowledge their mentality let alone try to change it. You need to ask yourself if you are cut out for a lifetime of this. Good luck.

You're young and it's a newish relationship. Cut your losses now and find someone more compatible is my advice. You won't change her.

But I have male friends who did stay for a long time with people they had seemingly deep contempt for and I just don't understand why...

you can see why on this thread

they store up annoyances caused mainly by their own questionable behaviour in order to continue said questionable behaviour but in the role of victim themselves

DARVO alive, punching guts and being condoned and celebrated by other people

I'm not getting contempt at all, I think you're projecting. I'm getting frustration and not being able to solve the problem.

I don't think the problem can be solved - they just want different things. She wants someone who doesn't need other friends - or only specific very close friends of hers where she calls the shots. He wants to socialise in groups. Either he goes out to socialise without her or they need to split.

"I can't decide whether I need to continue working on myself or end the relationship."

You need to do both.

If you're only 2 years in and this is how you feel then she's not a lifetime partner and frankly you sound immature inconsiderate and selfish.

Can't speak for her as we've only got your point of view.

Hang on a minute. It's normal for a man to not communicate directly with the girlfriend of a friend. If I'm making a group chat I would not necessarily add everyone 's husbands. It's not a slight on the husbands at all and doesn't mean they're not invited. In fact the assumption is that they are invited unless it's mentioned as a girls trip or hen do. People don't need a formal invitation to a get together with friends. They just need to know it's happening and they can then go if they want to.

The girlfriend obviously doesn't want to socialise but instead of saying that she's getting huffy.

I think in some ways this OP has been given a bit of a hard time by some posters. It sounds like your Gf has some issues and is hard work. It's hard to know why. However you need to ask yourself if you feel happy, respected and cared for in this relationship. Maybe you deserve more of that and you are not well suited after all. Maybe talk to her about how you feel and go from there. Good luck.

Interestingly, when I read the first line "my GF" my head went to Lesbian with lesbian partner. But even by the end of reading the first post I was like "ah its a man posting". I don't mean that he comes across as a man because he writes in an unlikable way or anything. But its something about the way he talks about "victim crap" etc. I think a woman would have framed it differently, even if deep down she was looking for the same responses. e.g. it would be "my partner is really insecure, do you think he is autistic/emotionally damaged". Or "I really want to have sympathy for my partner but..." That doesn't mean the advice shouldn't be the same for the concrete facts (not wanting you to see your friends, restricting your social life) but its interesting. I don't know if its innate, or socialisation.

I think also there are a lot of threads on here where women are staying with partners who they are scared of, are being physically hurt by, are angry at etc etc. But very few where they feel very obvious contempt for them that shines out of their writing. Which is the main problem in the OP. Its counterintuitive but I actually find that harder to understand than staying with an abusive partner (which can be explained by trauma bonding) But I have male friends who did stay for a long time with people they had seemingly deep contempt for and I just don't understand why...

@robertaplant You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But just out of curiosity, why be in a relationship with someone you have no respect for/don't seem to like (regardless of the reasons)?

You sound difficult to communicate with. And need to work on that as it could be part of the problem. She sounds a bit of a pain in the neck and one of those folk always moaning about something. Maybe time to call it a day and find somebody more on your wavelength.

Just a general reminder that you don’t have to be in a relationship if you don’t want to, you are free to call it a day. You don’t need anyone’s permission if it not for you anymore. better sooner rather than later.

But have to say all this talk of triggered, punched in the gut repeatedly, literally want to run etc suggests she isn’t the one capable of activating victim mode, that’s quite histrionic talk for relatively minor matters.

“This victim shit” makes you sound the immature one, frankly. Also it’s a really horrible way to talk about someone you supposedly love. Do you live together ?

Be careful to not lose your support network. Do not decline all the invites, do not stop seeing friends, do not always give in when she says no to inviting people round. She doesn't get to trounce all your needs to be social, your needs matter too. As well as that, it's not just her house, she can't say that you guys can never entertain, never invite anyone, only socialise together, you have to decline things because she doesn't want to go.

If you were a woman saying this, this feed would be very different, it'd be LTB, he's trying to separate you from your friends, it's coercive and controlling, manipulative etc. Go back and read some old posts, there are many.

You need to listen to My Girl by Madness

She gets very easily jelous of any female friendships i've had, i've had to cull a few, but no big deal there.

Having to cull friendships because your partner is jealous of them IS a big deal.

She's very red flaggy.

I actually have another question, but I don't know how to ask it without it coming across as an attack/personal criticism which isn't how its meant at all...

I hope she leaves you.

ETA: You don't sound very compassionate at all.

Has she ever described herself as a victim? I ask because (based on your description) she sounds insecure, and like she relies on you a lot to be her emotional outlet/supporter. I wouldn't like that either in a relationship. But you seem to have framed it quite fixedly in your mind as "her playing the victim", "victim shit" etc. That's not helpful because there could be numerous other reasons for her behaviour than seeing herself as a victim, wanting you to think she is a victim. It also means that any future issues are likely to be framed as her playing the victim - in this case maybe she is completely in the wrong and you are completely in the right. But if you start with this template then every disagreement will fall into it - you see her as being a victim from the out and start to get cross. That will make it impossible to resolve conflicts or have a healthy relationship.

Do also think about what causes you first to immediately perceive her behaviour as playing the victim, and secondly what about it makes you very angry. In my own case, I was brought up to be very "tough" and not make a fuss etc. So I did feel automatic resentment when friends etc got upset/asked for sympathy in cases where I thought "I would never ask for sympathy in that situation. I would suffer in silence." How I interpret their actions was more to do with my own past and thought processes than theirs basically. Its very common but its worth thinking about.

You might also be incompatible. Don't stay in a relationship with someone you feel contempt for whatever the reason. It will make you a much less nice person.

I'm not 'allowed' to invite any friends over to the house when she's in because 'she's too knaccered and drained' I'm a really sociable person and I find people interesting / inspiring.

So meet them somewhere else if she's tired, it's not a frat house.