Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

You don't need to problem solve. You already decided what the problem is. You might be right, you might be wrong (some people do try to manipulate others by playing the victim to be sure). But by deciding that you definately know what the issue is then what else is there to do? Either

1. You are right, she is deliberately trying to manipulate you by pretending to be a victim to get you to do what she wants. How do you solve that? Order her not to do it? Usually, if you identify someone is trying to manipulate you to make you suffer - that's not a good relationship
2. You are wrong in your initial diagnosis. But because you don't want to consider that, you will never find out what the actual issues are

And you said you would answer my question and you didnt. think about it like this:

Sandra is scared of her boyfriend. Why wont't she leave? Because she is scared of him
Tim is made to feel guilty by his girlfriend for not cutting of his friends/family. Why won't he leave? Because he feels guilty
Andrew's has to do what his boyfriend wants or he threatens' suicide. Why won't he leave? Because he is scared his boyfriend will commit suicide,
RobertaPlant's girlfriend makes him feel angry/frustrated when she plays the victim. Why won't he leave? Because he feels angry???

The last one doesn't make sense. Maybe you don't like the word co-dependant but there is something else going on that you don't want to admit on here/to yourself. Which is fine. You owe us nothing. But women/men are not things that you can practice your problem solving on and then feel angry that your efforts to fix them haven't worked. If you want to tinker get an old car, and get angry at that.

I suspect the words “things shifted” in the OP are bearing a lot of weight.

I can see where the PP was coming from, you sound like a kid.

Why didn't you just ask your friend to add her to the WhatsApp chat? What's with all the drama?

Absolutely. But in your and my scenario we also assume our partner /boyfriend is an adult who likes us so reads the chat and goes oh John said they are doing x sounds like fun, do you want to come? It’s Saturday week, and Jane and Sam are coming.

i don’t get that impression here that the gf is getting filled in. It’s totally different if a week later she says I thought we might do y and he says oh no John is doing x. . . You could come too. . . .

i don’t think we are getting a clear picture from the op as to which we are talking about.

You also pull the victim stuff. You and she do a pushme pullme victim dance. "She made me feel terrible about it even though it wasn't something I control." How in the world did she accomplish this? Does she have magical powers? No. But you've given her power over you and you might want to look up co-dependency. All the best.

I wouldn’t want to date someone who was so precious about things and made socialising such hard work.

you’re not compatible and would be happier with someone more like yourself with values around friendship and socialising.

My ex was like that. I've now realised it was coercive and controlling behaviour. I don't think she did it deliberately it was probably learned behaviour from a troubled childhood. However it is really difficult to live with and you end up walking on eggshells. In the end my ex became abusive but your story could be different. You need your friends, I know because I lost mine. But she can't control them. I think ask your friend who controls the group to add her to the whatsapp group, include her in everything but be clear that you need time with your friends and she needn't be threatened by this. Explain how her behaviour makes you feel but don't let anger get into that conversation.

Yes,
But WHY stay in a relationship with someone that you feel that way about? I know Dinosaur Munch said I was projecting with the contempt thing. She is right, I don't know what's in your head, so lets just say the language you are using is strongly indicative of contempt. People stay in bad relationships and put up with bad behaviour for all sorts of reasons. Someone might be afraid of their partner's reaction when they meet up with other people so might cut contact with friends for that reason. Some other people might be afraid for their partner's emotional state etc so cut contact with friends for that reason. Or they might be prevented because their partner won't watch their young children. Or takes the car etc etc.

All of those behaviours are red flags, and other posters are right that if a woman had posted that she was cutting back her social life for those reasons it would be treated differently. But you don't express fear or obligation - just resentment and anger. Anger is an emotion that is usually connected to action/wanting to take action. Sometimes bad action (punching a policeman in the face) sometimes positive action (your friend is horrible to you so you end/reduce the friendship). The idea that someone is hurting you by making you feel angry at her behaviour isn't going to engender sympathy when you voluntarily choose to be around that behaviour.

And men do do this way more often than women. Women stay in all sorts of bad relationships but I know the reasons. WHY do men (or just you in particular) want to be in a relationship with someone you feel (or at least express) contempt for when it would be so easy not to be in that relationship?

Is "triggered" the new word for pissed off?

So much drama OP. Life's too short. If you'd be happier outside the relationship, end the relationship. Then you wouldn't be "triggered" so much.

i think i get what you're on about.

i know a lot of people like her to a point, i'm one of them.. in that i need to be invited somewhere to feel welcome, otherwise i feel like i'm intruding/not wanted/a third wheel. I can't just rock up or invite myself... one of my friends called it being a Social Vampire, lol.. Foxxo can't cross the threshold without being invited in.
I won't get all butthurt about it though, unlike your partner, i just assume i'm not invited, so yes, i do feel left out.

From her perspective you need to understand that might be how she works, and pre-empt that by inviting her, or including her in planning so she knows she is explicitly invited.

I think it's partly a compatibility issue. It sounds like she's more of an introvert so is getting completely drained by her job and you seem like more of an extrovert so need a fairly full-on social life. I don't think you should allow yourself to be limited in the way you currently are being. Some relationships do work quite well with each party spending quite a bit of time pursuing their own interests/friendships. But obviously you have to both accept this. It does sound like she's being hypersensitive and negative and unreasonably picky about people and trips etc. I guess she's quite overwhelmed by her work and feels like she wouldn't be able to stand spending her only downtime with people she doesn't particularly get on with in a less than comfortable environment. But currently she's putting all of that on you which isn't really fair.

It’s clear you do not like or respect your girlfriend so leave. It’s that simple. You don’t need to analyse her behaviours, You don’t need justification or our permission. You don’t want to be there so go

You sound as childish as you claim she is. It doesn’t read as if this is written by someone dating a late 30s woman, more like a 21 year old with his first girlfriend that he’s only with cos he gets his hole. Do you and her (and us) a favour and end it.

Just read this.

You need to break up with her. If this was the other way round - and a woman was spending time with her family while her male partner worked - and he spoiled the whole afternoon by sending endless text messages- then everyone would be telling you to leave.

If she can’t recognise that this is abusive behaviour then I don’t think this is redeemable.

OP I think you’re being unnecessarily flamed here.

You have moved to a new city together? Her full on job means you have taken on more of the ‘finding people’ role.

She is complaining about not having friends but being very closed off and insecure about spending time with people - and fixating on minor things as justification for avoiding putting herself out there to forge relationships.
And shutting down conversation about it.

I imagine I would get to the end of my tether extremely quickly with this too. I think you need a hard conversation here and ask yourself and her…

• do you want to build relationships with these people?
• if not these people then do you actually want to build relationships with other people?
• what does your ideal social life look like (you say you end up socialising with just her - maybe that is her actual preference she just doesn’t feel able to say it?)

It’s ok to have different levels of social engagement. It’s not ok to be dishonest with each other about what these are and / or to insecurely sabotage each other’s social engagements.

I think the way she’s behaved would be a deal breaker for me if it happened often. I get huge ick from people who have poor emotional management skills. But if everything else is generally positive I don’t think this necessarily needs to be a deal breaker for you guys - if you can get to the bottom of what the actual issue is and agree a sane way forward…

You are both over precious.
Neither of you seem happy - go - lucky or easy going.

Try to look on the bright side (both of you) and see a glass half full. Judge people to mean the best
.
Value being together and having fun. Value going to eventstogether.

Gradually you will both make close friends and be invited to many things - unless you tantrum and continue to react as a victim and in such a very self centred juvenille manner.

Hello. Just to offer some thoughts. The way this is presented is like you have put what is happening into a neat narrative- getting the ick, your girlfriend playing the victim, punched in the gut etc. while on the face of it you do lots for your girlfriend. But I suspect the reality is more nuanced. Your language is all quite elevated and unkind and does not suggest you even like your girlfriend, let alone have tried to understand her- victim crap, victim shit, really really angry, want to run , can’t handle it, then wonders why she has no friends..You said she is immature at 38 but your language, reaction and overall framing sound immature to me. We don’t have her full side of the story and it may well be there are some issues there, but I think the thing to do is to have a direct conversation with your GF about all this and think about your own behaviour and how that might contribute to it- I’m not saying it does but the picture painted is you do everything for her and she adds a little but things are rarely so clear cut. If you can’t resolve things through conversation and mutual respect and support then the relationship should end.
All the best.

You need to find a time when you are both rested and available to talk.

Honestly and respectfully without raised voices.

And work out what is going on in each of your heads.

Communication and in most cases compromise is they key.

If you try that and it's not working then you need to split up.

Nobody should lose their friends because of their partner.

Exactly! I don't get added into the group chat organised by our "joint" friends if it's the husband setting up the chat, they add DH, if it's the wife setting up and organising it, I get the initial contact and get added to the chat. There are scenarios (if it's organised on facebook) where it's different but WhatsApp, I don't assume that friends husbands have my number, and I don't kick off or make a big deal of it. Even if they have my number, if you've only been together 2 years, then that's a short time for it to be come the norm for any bloke to routinely add a woman who's not his primary point of contact in a couple.