Partner in massive victim position giving me the 'ick

Like others have said your post is confusing.
But a few months ago a neighbour came over to invite my husband go karting.
He named about 5 male neighbours who were going on the "boys day out".
After my husband said yes he was added to the WhatsApp group to finalise the details.
Within about an hour everyone's partner was added to the group and it turned into a "couples day out".
I was the only partner that wasn't invited or added to the group.
It really annoyed me and upset me and made me feel like I was back in school.
What hurt even more was that my husband was just going along with it and didn't see how out of order it was and how upsetting it was until I pointed it out.
I work full time and 4 months of the year I work from 8.30am to 10pm 7 days a week.
I do this so my husband doesn't have to work so he can be available for our disabled child full time.
As a result of this my husband has a lot spare time when our son is in school.
He spends this time doing a lot of favours for the neighbours.
He has saved our neighbours thousands of pounds by doing a lot of mechanical work on their cars.
I felt like I was working really long hours so my husband could be and the beck and call of the neighbours and the one time they planned a fun activity to do together I was the only one left out.

IBS is absolutely debilitating so I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go to people's houses she doesn't know, will have to decline or request certain foods which will make her seem picky or awkward or pedantic or needy, otherwise she'll be in the bathroom absolutely embarrassed, or shitting herself which is humiliating, and if she is making frequent trips to the bathroom then people will notice and people will talk and people will speculate. It's awful.

What awful girlfriend for having such a restrictive and communally misunderstood condition.

Just split up with her. You both want different things.

Exactly.
My response is how I would respond to a woman posting.

However, the IBS alters things.
IBS from what I know is an awful condition, quite debilitating and certainly something that would make staying with people more difficult.

OP, you don't sound happy or compatible, although you do share some interests with your partner.
Better to admit that you aren't a good enough fit to last and have a family together and move on.
Better for both of you to move on.
Beware of the "sunken cost fallacy".

Ooh, another horrible GF thread!

Yes. There are so many, lately.

Yet it's easy to see who's really the horrible one.

This!!

but the 'gf' isn't owning it, not understanding it, trying to change herself for the better. That's a difference.

Ooh, another horrible GF thread!

Awareness of being triggered is knowing yourself and owning it, surely the opposite of being a victim (which is acting your shit out)

Yet here you are blaming your gf for being "triggered".

I also find it difficult to believe this thread was created by a man mature enough to date a 38 year old. Do adult men use the word "icky" with such gay abandon?

This sounds way too difficult at this stage in the relationship.

Move on family things get 1 million times for both of you. It won't be the fix solution.

She probably having some therapy if that's not already mentioned

I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship lasted as both of you will cling on to what is clearly an unhealthy dynamic for fear of going it alone; that absolutely doesn't mean that the two of you should start a family together - at least get some therapy before even thinking about it.

OK? Is that his reason for not asking his friend to add his girlfriend to the group? I don't understand 😂

Thus sums it up well. You need to leave, op, she's abusive and controlling and she's going to end up isolating you.

And if this was a woman posting, some of the answers would be very different!!

Your OP is incomprehensible

Are you in a same sex relationship? Have you posted about it before? Some of this seems familiar.

You are both unhappy. Just pull the plug on it.

For someone who doesn’t like someone to play the victim you use some odd phrases like ‘triggered’.

This relationship is going nowhere. You don’t seem to like her in any capacity.

She's 38 does she want a family? She probably doesn't.
Do you want a family?
What long term plans have you made together?
Is your life all about work and socialising is your family your friendship's?
Does she fit into the world you want to create for yourself?

If she doesn't want to then you can't change her she's stuck in her ways. She would have spent a lot of years living independently before being with you. Being alone is not a bad thing it gives you a chance to develop.

I think she sounds both very controlling, manipulative and as if she wants to isolate you.
I think your gut is telling you things are not right.
Her drama when your sister was visiting may have spoiled the visit?
Narcissistic people love to spoil nice times, isolate people from their families.
She doesn't like people coming to the house?
Sounds like a very stressful unhealthy relationship with an unhinged person.

Do not have children with her, it will get worse, a lot worse.
I think you should quietly look at counselling and plan your exit frombthis relationship asap.

His friends girlfriend has just had a baby.

Its not about one person being at fault. But to be able to communicate, especially in a relationship you need to be able to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, or at least to not automatically assume the worst. Which you are doing if you assume your partner is trying to manipulate you (and playing the victim is a form of manipulation). Think about it - if someone is convinced you are trying to manipulate them, not being honest in the reasons you give for being upset how do you prove that you aren't? Literally any reaction you give is further proof of the manipulation - Its impossible, especially if the other person has already decided that you are going to react to accusations of manipulation by manipulating them further. If you want to see how bad things can get look at the American election where both sides are so convinced the other is evil, that the left/right media are describing completely different realities.

Of course, some people are manipulative. Some husbands slam the doors loudly because they had a bad day at work. Some slam the doors because they want their partner to know they are in a bad mood to frighten them into walking on eggshells the whole evening because they like the power. If you really think that is what she is doing then you should leave because (if you are wrong or right) at least one of you is badly treating the other. If you are wrong then that (demanding someone stop doing something terrible they aren't doing and can't prove they aren't doing) is a form of mental torture - and its cruel to do to someone else just because you are scared of feeling alone.

By the way - testosterone inhibits tears. Its why though men do cry, they usually cry less than women. Its not just "toxic masculinity". But equally, when a woman is crying she is not automatically "being manipulative" just because you wouldn't cry in the same circumstances.

Basically, whatever her perceived character flaws did she ask you to fix her? Did she ask you to solve the "problem" that is her behaviour? If you decided, on your own initiative, that her behaviour was a problem you wanted to solve you can't reasonably resent her for not letting you "improve" her. Its an unhealthy dynamic.