To say this narrative that men don't get compliments is bs?

IMO (British) male-male friend interaction is way more complex and nuanced than both men and women try to pretend it is. There's a story we tell ourselves that female friends have all these complex overtones and undertones and coded messages buried in everything they say to each other, while men are more simple, just having a laugh yeah? But there's a lot going on in those interactions, which can shade subtly from friendly and supportive to vicious and destructive, with just as much nuance and plausible deniability as the more stereotypically female type of interaction.

This is very true. My best friends at school were a few nerdy guys (three of whom turned out to be gay) and I remember marvelling at how the performance of masculinity among teenage boys had even more unspoken rules than the supposedly impenetrable codes of teenage girls - and a key to that seemed to be that you could never, ever acknowledge there were rules. Teenage girls would tell you if you'd transgressed in some way but teenage boys were expected to just... know that a certain way of sitting was "cool", or a certain way of speaking.

As I grew older the rules and the points of judgment changed but the essential iron law that men don't talk about it remained. I feel like women accept that (idealised) femininity is something one can become, with the right make-up and clothes and exercise. Maybe this is why we compliment each other - we recognise the effort. But (idealised) masculinity is something you just are, and having to make an effort defeats the point.

The compliments thing is really interesting when you think about women's perennial complaint of being objectified. Because that's what compliments about our bodies, hair and clothes from other women are as well, just in a non-sexual way. Even to each other, women are there to be seen. By contrast it has constantly amazed me through my life that so many straight men seem unable to even conceive of themselves as objects, to be looked at and objectified. The exceptions of course are gay men, who are very familiar with that dynamic... and to a lesser extent straight gym bros. They were a niche demographic in my youth and it's interesting to see it becoming the default among younger men. I've also noticed younger men are much readier to compliment each other physically - on their gains or their aesthetic or whatever.

Is this, like, all the men you’re referring to?

I complimented a male friend recently and he stated laughing nervously and went red, and when I asked why he said ‘dunno…I just never get compliments’.

Which is such a shame. He’s a lovely good looking guy. And it made me think there’s really never a day when me and my female friends or colleagues don’t exchange compliments somehow - hair or shoes or nice lunch we made or whatever.

Bit guys don’t do that, and that is a bit sad really, when you think how even the smallest acknowledgment can lift your mood and your day.

Being nice to men makes them think you want to shag them. There’s no way I’d compliment one in case he took that as a come on. The risk is too great, I’m too old for that shit.

Rubbish.

you definitely are projecting,I feel sorry for you. Need to talk? 🤣

yeah you sure seem so content,being triggered by facts

Men say they "never get compliments" because compliments to them only matter if it's from women they want to bang. They are so delusional

I agree it isn’t up to women to start complimenting men. I see it more as they can learn alot from us and male friendships that include emotional support instead of roasting, would benefit them greatly. All we have to do is acknowledge this is a problem for men and not judge them for departing from the script of manhood given to them.

I do think, if men can do this, it will improve all their relationships with women and children too. But yes, it is up to them to change, it’s not up to us to change them.

Even among those men with some good friends, I wonder if there are some who don't really register the times when other men's banter and piss-taking is actually a compliment, wrapped in the socially-acceptable male-to-male communication packaging. Or they pick it up, but don't think of it as a compliment because of how it's presented.

Even at a most basic level, when your mates take the piss, they're also saying "We are close enough as mates that I can insult you, and you'll know that it doesn't mean I don't like you. I like you enough that I want to test and thereby confirm the positive nature of the relationship between us with this apparently insulting interaction, and I'm confident that you like me enough to take it in the right way." Decent blokes will tend to avoid teasing their friends about something they're truly upset about (though they might not realise how deep it cuts when they take the piss out of something like being bald or fat, and might not react well to a man who fails to hide how hurt he is by it).

Often the piss-taking is actively directed at positive things, achievements or possessions. Sometimes that does seem to be an attempt to bring someone down a peg or two, to make sure everyone feels equal, but often it seems to function as a backhanded type of compliment, a way of saying, "I have noticed your big new house with lots of bedrooms and tasteful decor and a dedicated bar/games room/gym, and am impressed by it. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you that directly, and if I did, I might look like a try-hard or a suck-up, but if I rib you about it you'll know that I've noticed it and consider it sufficiently impressive to tease you about".

IMO (British) male-male friend interaction is way more complex and nuanced than both men and women try to pretend it is. There's a story we tell ourselves that female friends have all these complex overtones and undertones and coded messages buried in everything they say to each other, while men are more simple, just having a laugh yeah? But there's a lot going on in those interactions, which can shade subtly from friendly and supportive to vicious and destructive, with just as much nuance and plausible deniability as the more stereotypically female type of interaction.

("British" because I can't speak for how male friends interact within other cultures; I'm not saying that non-British men necessarily aren't like this, but I don't know that they are, either, IYSWIM.)

Nope, I'm very content in life thanks.

You're very short and snappy for someone who isn't angry. I was actually offering an ear or some support but nevermind. I'd rather not deal with someone so sharp.

Women get more compliments but the flip side is they get judged on their appearance much, much more and get negative treatment and harsh judgement based on how they look and other superficial things a lot more than men do. I’d happily trade in the occasional “ooh where did you get that handbag?” if I didn’t have to all the negative commentary too.

There really is a lot of vitriol and you are fucking prickly!

You sound very angry with your follow on posts and are trotting out all the classic angry feminist lines about being nice and not being allowed to have opinion because it's not nice. Which is actually not what anyone has said.

You clearly have an issue around hating men.

Must we pit ourselves against each other in this arena? No I don’t think men are given adequate emotional support in society.

I compliment my husband all the time, I tell him he is beautiful because to me he is. Other than that I don't usually compliment men because they take it the wrong way and think you want them.

I'm not sure where all the compliments we are supposed to get come from, my husband compliments me but that's about it, other than the odd creepy guy who is interested in more and that's not a real compliment, it's a seedy way of trying to get what they want.

I definitely think men have the shorter straw here. The support for me when our babies died [twins] was huge whereas i felt people asked my dh how I was , when he had lost his newborn sons too. He's always being strong for me so it's nice when people do ask me about him too. People always compliment how strong I am but not him

I think it's the fact that men are so rarely complimented that when they are they're taken aback and must think there's another motive. It's catch 22.

There's a saying that women compliment each other and don't mean it and men insult each other and don't mean it.

There's something in that in the sense that men don't compliment each other, they banter and take the piss.

A guy in a coffee shop sat next to me today and he smelt absolutely incredible... like unreal! If it was a female, I might have commented, asked what fragrance etc, but I just could not have done that with a guy. He was half my age, and it definitely would have been taken as a mad middle aged lady coming on to him. I don't believe men know that there can be appreciation without a motive (yes, sweeping generalisation!)

I disagree, I know men who remember as a shining piece of their history the time a woman at the bar told them they have lovely eyes. Because it happens so infrequently to them that it's something worth remembering. My husband still remembers the first compliment I gave him (18 years ago!) because it meant so much to him.

We live our lives and move through the world very differently to men, so what to me would be an annoyance (I hate being told I have lovely eyes, it's so trite), to them would be a big deal and something to hold onto. Men's interpersonal relationships aren't typically as supportive and emotionally centred as women's either, so they lose out on a lot of that too. Women feel more comfortable complimenting other women, like I'd happily approach another woman in a shop to tell her I love her sweater or haircut. I'd be wary to do so to a man, and men don't do that for eachother either.

And in terms of romantic relationships they're (typically) the chasers and we are the chased. Being showered with compliments during the wooing stage is seen as normal for a woman, whereas for men it doesn't always happen. I notice it in how my friends interact with men on dating apps - very rarely will they compliment the men, but they get an awful lot.

Whether you value compliments or not, or view them as a positive or negative doesn't really matter - the point is women get a lot of them and men don't. That's pretty measurably true.

It’s not so much about being “nice” as acknowledging that it’s daft taking a mocking tone about “poor lonely men” as if it isn’t widely recognised that, for example, older men as a group have worse healthcare outcomes than older women, and that there’s a correlation between social isolation and loneliness and poorer health outcomes. There’s huge evidence to demonstrate the return on investment benefits of initiatives which bring men with mental health problems together for emotional support, and that many men who have taken part in these initiatives do attest that simply receiving support and affirmation from other men was key to their recovery, and often not something they’d ever experienced before.

You seem to be assuming that women should be giving men compliments on their looks - whether they want to or not - which isn’t what’s meant.

It's funny though because the really good men I know have excellent groups of both male and female friends. The twats though don't - or they join up with other twats and just make each other twattier.

Sadly as a woman men are often the enemy. A woman is killed by a man every 3 days in the UK and in the year ending March 2022 there were 194,683 sexual offences by men against women. I know some really wonderful men but sadly they're far out weighed by the twats.

I'd never compliment a random man the way I would a woman because in my life I've been flashed twice, groped or touched inappropriately several times, asked by a random man to give him a BJ when I was walking down the street, had friends husbands flirt with me and been asked to wear shorter skirts by a colleague. And I really, really don't want men complimenting me either.

Sadly men don’t emotionally support men in the way that women emotionally support women. It is a part of the valuation of “male” traits by men that really have feck all to do with human connection. It must be unbelievably lonely for them. I wish they would sort themselves out with these behaviours, it is very sad for them.

Are people really that reliant on outside affirmations to keep their fragile self esteem afloat? I think these men need proper MH support not compliments. They probably spend all day fishing for likes on FB and moaning on Reddit that no one complimented their new hose pipe. Sad fuckers.