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Original poster

To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

382 replies

Fiftycents · 08/10/2024 15:32

I go to a local mother and baby group, it’s very casual and usually friendly. Made quite a few friends there.

Before the mother and baby group there is a breastfeeding group, there is a 30 min gap between the two but some mums stay on for the baby group.

Went to baby group as normal yesterday and about halfway through a lady stood up and announced some ‘good news’ and proceeded to hand out certificates for some breastfeeding mums, for 6 weeks and 3 months breastfeeding. We were then all asked to give them a round of applause for all they had achieved.

AIBU to think this is a insensitive to those that wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t? I tried for weeks to bf dd, we saw multiple lactation consultants, had tongue tie cut tried nipple shields etc but as she spent time in SCBU after she was born and was tiny she had always had formula and I ended up switching as she wouldn’t latch at all. I stopped expressing after 2 months as my own mental health was suffering.

YANBU - it was insensitive and they could have just waited for the next week to give out certificates
YABU - get over it

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 09/10/2024 15:24

ps - I could get on my soapbox very easily about the messaging around breastfeeding, particularly for first time mums. I was the only one of a large group of new mum friends who bottle fed before 6 months. Despite what everyone often says, my experience was that I was in the minority who bottle fed early. And do you know what, it saved me and DC1’s sanity and health. My DC1 was underweight, crying constantly from hunger and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown trying to exclusively breastfeed. Yes maybe it was stress preventing breastfeeding but no matter what the reason, when I switched to formula it was a lifesaver.

MummyJ36 · 09/10/2024 15:18

Absolutely no need to do that outside of the group. I could not breastfeed DC1 (truly horrible journey that definitely made my suspected PPD worse) and I would have been horrified if this had happened during that period.

Who runs this group OP? Please consider complaining. I truly would need to let someone know that this was not appropriate. Pitting mothers against each other (because that’s what it is when done publicly) who have very young babies and who may be struggling mentally is highly inappropriate.

Flyhigher · 09/10/2024 15:10

Certificates for breast feeding is OTT.
It's also maybe forcing women into bf long after they actually want to. It's peer pressure.

ChiffandBipper · 09/10/2024 12:55

Ozanj · 09/10/2024 12:39

Often breastfeeding doesn’t work because women don’t know how. Because their own mothers never breastfed. I had to have someone else’s mother show me how to breastfeed (she even knew all the breast positions to use for tongue tie / cleft lip etc and spent time teaching me) because she bf all her children as did her mum. She wasn’t British though.

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Often breastfeeding doesn't work because the baby doesn't know how. Do you really think the woman who showed you did anything different to the dozens of midvives, health visitors, lacation consultants, friends, or relatives that the OP encountered? I mean there is only a finite number of angles and positions to try.

icallshade · 09/10/2024 12:51

I think this is majorly cringey and would be more appropriate to stay in the group but I wouldn't be cross about it.

I couldn't get annoyed with someone being celebrated for anything. I can't run a marathon (despite trying to get into running many times) but I'm not about to dull someone else's sparkle.

I should add I formula fed as never even produced milk despite wanting to breast feed.

ChiffandBipper · 09/10/2024 12:46

What on earth do you do with a certificate for breastfeeding?! 😂

Yes, it is insensitive to those who couldn't, undermines the choices of those who didn't and puts additional pressure on those who are doing but might want to stop.

Ozanj · 09/10/2024 12:39

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 10:09

That’s great if it works for you. SIL did this and was very happy.

The issue is when bf doesn’t work. You end up with ill babies and very stressed mothers, faced with huge pressure to bf. Or you do what works fine - you bottle feed.

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Often breastfeeding doesn’t work because women don’t know how. Because their own mothers never breastfed. I had to have someone else’s mother show me how to breastfeed (she even knew all the breast positions to use for tongue tie / cleft lip etc and spent time teaching me) because she bf all her children as did her mum. She wasn’t British though.

fashionqueen0123 · 09/10/2024 11:37

flyinghen · 09/10/2024 11:33

@fashionqueen0123 thank you, you actually made me tear up xx

Aw. What you did was fantastic. Pumping is a form of breastfeeding and still giving your baby breastmilk under what sounded like extremely challenging circumstances too. I’d be really proud of it if I was you! X

flyinghen · 09/10/2024 11:33

@fashionqueen0123 thank you, you actually made me tear up xx

fashionqueen0123 · 09/10/2024 11:04

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 10:06

What to you call supporting? Telling them to keep trying when it’s clearly not working?

With regard to expressing , I know no one who managed to express long term when not bf. As far as I understand it is just very difficult to manage - and it took me long enough to get 4 ounces!

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No that’s not supporting. But telling them not to expect it to work before they’ve even started isn’t either.

Ive met tons of women who have expressed for months or longer. You can see some who have posted about it on this thread. There are even exclusive pumping groups on Facebook. It’s very common in the USA too due to their rubbish maternity policies. It’s about frequency rather than amounts. I wouldn’t expect a mum to be able to just express 4oz easily! Around 1-2oz is more of an average and you tend to pump in a routine.

Diomi · 09/10/2024 10:58

That is one of the most cringeworthy things I have heard. It is so patronising. My SIL would love it though!

I agree with you OP, they should have handed them out at the breast feeding group.

teatoast8 · 09/10/2024 10:31

WiserOlderElf · 09/10/2024 09:45

I got no sleep for months 😂, but I did drop the weight quickly. Especially with DC2 who basically sucked every calorie she could out of me.

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My son loves his sleep. I got lucky with him 😅

JaneDoeHere · 09/10/2024 10:31

It would have been more thoughtful of the class leader to hand certificates out in the group. Having said that, breastfeeding is an achievement and there is no reason it shouldn’t be celebrated. I can see why it would upset you, but if upset is not the intention and having two mins for a certificate and applause really isn’t worth more thought than that.

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 10:09

teatoast8 · 09/10/2024 08:36

A lot of bf mothers lose weight. I was one of them

I also got plenty of sleep. Cluster feeding is only a short amount of time and it was great just to snuggle and sit in front of the telly

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That’s great if it works for you. SIL did this and was very happy.

The issue is when bf doesn’t work. You end up with ill babies and very stressed mothers, faced with huge pressure to bf. Or you do what works fine - you bottle feed.

Parker231 · 09/10/2024 10:07

Floralsofa · 09/10/2024 09:55

Are they not? Do you speak for all people? Anecdata isn't data and the evidence is overwhelming, but you use whatever you can come up with to justify your poor decisions.

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What poor decisions have I made?

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 10:06

fashionqueen0123 · 09/10/2024 07:58

Telling someone they won’t be able to express much (which doesn’t even make sense and plenty of women are able to exclusively express) before they’ve even started isn’t helping someone’s mental health. Why would you kick someone when they are down and set them up to fail before they’ve even started. Talk about being pessimistic.

Im sorry but one child doesn’t make evidence. We know the benefits of breastfeeding/risks of not from population studies. It’s not that it’s only children’s health but women’s too. And saying things like you lost weight quickly are irrelevant because plenty of women who Bf also loose weight due to the Bf burning calories and plenty of them are out walking and not in the house all day 🙈 your experience doesn’t dictate everyone else’s. Not everyone finds it hell for a few weeks.

We should be supporting women not telling them not to bother if it’s their choice.

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What to you call supporting? Telling them to keep trying when it’s clearly not working?

With regard to expressing , I know no one who managed to express long term when not bf. As far as I understand it is just very difficult to manage - and it took me long enough to get 4 ounces!

Floralsofa · 09/10/2024 09:55

Parker231 · 09/10/2024 09:50

Most people aren’t bothered about results or research on a global level, only how well their own DC’s are doing.

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Are they not? Do you speak for all people? Anecdata isn't data and the evidence is overwhelming, but you use whatever you can come up with to justify your poor decisions.

Parker231 · 09/10/2024 09:50

Floralsofa · 09/10/2024 09:30

Well that sounds like a reasonable piece of evidence.

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Most people aren’t bothered about results or research on a global level, only how well their own DC’s are doing.

WiserOlderElf · 09/10/2024 09:45

teatoast8 · 09/10/2024 08:36

A lot of bf mothers lose weight. I was one of them

I also got plenty of sleep. Cluster feeding is only a short amount of time and it was great just to snuggle and sit in front of the telly

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I got no sleep for months 😂, but I did drop the weight quickly. Especially with DC2 who basically sucked every calorie she could out of me.

Errors · 09/10/2024 09:43

teatoast8 · 09/10/2024 08:36

A lot of bf mothers lose weight. I was one of them

I also got plenty of sleep. Cluster feeding is only a short amount of time and it was great just to snuggle and sit in front of the telly

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Sshhhh, you’re not supposed to talk about Bf in a positive way. Please downplay it for the benefits of others

Floralsofa · 09/10/2024 09:30

Parker231 · 08/10/2024 18:53

What’s untrue? I have DT’s in their mid 20’s - solely fed on formula (by choice). 100% happy and healthy.

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Well that sounds like a reasonable piece of evidence.

teatoast8 · 09/10/2024 08:36

Maray1967 · 09/10/2024 07:11

Why do you think? Because the mental health and wellbeing of a new mum matters way more than breastfeeding!! It was obvious that trying to get him to bf would be nothing less than a battle which would be difficult for both of us and, quite frankly, very damaging.

Instead, he got a few ounces of expressed milk each day in the early weeks, we had a relaxing and easy time bottle feeding, and I got a good amount of sleep and was a very happy new mum after three years of infertility.

Why on earth would I think that struggling on with bf when very experienced midwives and HV and our GP encouraged me to bottle feed would be a good idea?

It would not have been. Like some women who do go for it, the first few weeks would have been hell. And now I can see the outcome of bottle feeding in my 24 year old son, knowing that he was actually no more susceptible to the usual nursery bugs than friends’ and relatives’ babies who were bf, and has entered adulthood fit and healthy, then the evidence before my eyes is that the advantages of breastfeeding are massively overstated.

I also lost weight quicker than my bf friends after birth - because I got plenty of sleep and was out walking every day for two hours with the pram because he was in a good bottle routine. I wasn’t stuck in the house cluster feeding. I was happy and healthy, as was baby.

If bf works, then great - it’s free and less effort than preparing bottles, and it’s what nature intended, after all. But if it’s difficult and mums are stressed, then pack it in and bottle feed. Express if you can, but above all, know that baby will be fine, and you will not feel that you’re not feeding properly when you have your baby in your arms and he’s looking at you all through the feed.

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A lot of bf mothers lose weight. I was one of them

I also got plenty of sleep. Cluster feeding is only a short amount of time and it was great just to snuggle and sit in front of the telly

CindyBirdsong · 09/10/2024 08:34

elliejjtiny · 08/10/2024 18:07

I couldn't breastfeed my 4th because he had a cleft lip/palate. Something like that when he was little would have broken me. I pumped for him for 5 months and that nearly broke me too. It's fine to do that in a breastfeeding group but not anywhere else.

This was us too, I would have found it very upsetting.
No-one considers the mums whose babies are unable to breast feed.

Eenameenadeeka · 09/10/2024 08:14

The certificates sound a bit cringe and I'd be embarrassed if someone gave me one. She definitely should have saved them for the breastfeeding group it was not the right setting. It's hard because it is something to celebrate, a couple of mine had such a rough start to feeding and it did feel like an accomplishment to celebrate but there's a time and place. I met Mums in NICU working just as hard as I was on feeding, and I was just one of the lucky ones that it worked out but they tried just as hard.
I get that it feels a bit sensitive but with some of my children older now, you really can't tell who was or wasn't breastfed, you did your best and your baby is fed and loved and that's more than enough.

MyCharger56 · 09/10/2024 08:12

I rarely comment on bf threads any more as they get divisive but I have to say as a mum with a physical limitation (igt) who tried moving heaven and earth to bf I would have been gutted to see those certs. So I'm.with you OP. I still think bf is optimal and would encourage everyone to give it a good go. But in the newborn haze that applause would have hurt.