To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

But they do, don’t they? Not certificates, of course, but gender reveals, pregnancy announcements, congratulation balloons, cards, and wishes left right and centre.

I went to adult education classes (nothing to do with pregnancy or children in any way) and we had a number of occasions where someone announced a pregnancy and we all congratulated them. On another occasion, someone brought their young baby along and we all clapped and congratulated them and cooed over the baby. Did it hurt me? Yes, it wrenched my gut - but did I think those women shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t take joy in their pregnancies and babies. No, I didnt

I suggest you have some counselling. As I said, it’s not your fault you couldn’t BF and you made every effort to do so. I doubt you could have done any more. Congratulate yourself for that - for your efforts and your persistence. But allow other women in a baby group to be proud of their achievements. Nobody made you clap. It was a polite thing to do. If it disturbed you this much, you need support. I mean that kindly. I had postnatal support after a birth trauma. It can really help.

Those things would all be weird at a baby group, yes. That's actually the point.

Your claim that not getting random onlookers to give them a round of applause amounts to organising their lives around it would be just as ridiculous also.

If they’d just left their weekly running/training group half an hour ago, yes. Especially if certificates were also handed out.

If someone had stood up and said 'it's so and so's birthday' or 'they've just run a marathon' and given them a round of applause/sang happy birthday would you have said that all the other women there had be 'co-opted into listening to an announcement' and been sneery about it? Or is your contempt and resentment about this just saved for things to do with breastfeeding?

It's not 'organising their lives' to not co-opt random other members of a different group into listening to an announcement and giving a round of applause. That none of the bf mums had even asked for, and may not even have wanted. That's nonsensical. It really was a very odd, awkward thing to do.

I never said it is every breastfeeding mother. Of course it isn’t.

Absolutely bizarre that you all had to clap them 😬 Speaking as someone who just didn't really enjoy breastfeeding so stopped

Because it was a small thing; the woman had them with her; there was zero reason not to give them out. BFing mums are everywhere, feeding, talking about feeding - shock, horror - maybe even being proud of how long they’ve fed.

The issue here isn’t the certificates, which are a brief, trivial thing in reality, the issue is OP’s sensitivity. That sensitivity is valid but it doesn’t mean normal things relating to BFing have to stop when she’s in the vicinity any more than pregnant women needed to hide themselves from my sight when I was distraught with my infertility and miscarriage.

And yes, this

But not every breastfeeding mother feels this way. Please don’t tar the rest of us with the same brush as a vocal few when BF moms are already in the minority as it is.

Because it's unreasonable to expect everyone to organise their lives around avoiding triggering the feelings of adult women who didn't want to breastfeed or stopped breastfeeding early?

Why couldn’t it just have waited until next week?

“They” didn’t hijack anything. The instructor forgot to give out the certificates in the BF group so gave them out in the baby group where a number of mums will, in fact, be breastfeeding!

I imagine it was a very quick handout with a polite clap afterwards. That doesn’t diminish the OP’s upset because it’s a sensitive topic for her, but that’s not the fault of other mums. When I was having a miscarriage after long infertility, they initially put me on a ward with pregnant ladies and at least one baby. Obviously that was upsetting for me but I didn’t expect everyone else to hide their bumps and babies because I understood it was a ‘me issue’.

It doesn't matter what struggles they had, they weren't in the group that supports that and what about the struggles of women in the group they decided to hijack? It's not at all like being offended by the Olympics which you're not part of and can choose to ignore. This is a specific group that OP is part of and they acted in an inappropriate way, any weird BF certs should have been given out in the group they were apart of or not at all.

Yep, had all of those.

That’s the thing isn’t it? If you do manage to breastfeed, you get ‘ooh she’d sleep better if she had some formula’ and ‘if you gave her a bottle I could look after her to give you a break’ and ‘isn’t it time you stopped now’ etc, usually from people who didn’t breastfeed themselves for whatever reason.

My experience was health professionals encouraging breastfeeding and not being very empathetic when I supplemented with formula during the first couple of weeks, when I was absolutely exhausted and baby wouldn't stop cluster feeding.

Then on the other hand women in my family/dh's family discouraging me from breastfeeding and telling me all the reasons why they couldn't. I ended up doing it for 14 months, some people seemed genuinely annoyed I was able to do it because they were convinced breastfeeding is too difficult. And some really didn't like that I did it for so long and questioned when I would be stopping. From about 8 months it was only naptimes and bedtime/in the middle of the night anyway.

So you can't win really.

Of course they do. I’ve been called selfish for choosing not to breastfeed and if you count comments on here, people have plenty to say about those who either didn’t breastfeed at all or stopped breastfeeding after a few weeks.

I was asked why I bothered having DC if I didn’t want to breastfeed them.

@izimbra "Does anyone say anything different to other mothers? Ever? " yes, actually they do. I got lots of comments about how I obviously have to do the best thing for baby, how I have to breastfeed and it doesn't matter if it's hard because how i feel doesn't matter, only the baby matters now!! That's an almost direct quote. My own mother, who admitted hating breastfeeding and having horrendous PND with me, also said breastfeeding is obviously the only option!

I even had people tell me I shouldn't have an elective c section because it's not what is best for baby, knowing that a natural birth would have serious consequences for me and leave me in need of further surgery. I even had a waitress at a brunch ask me if I am planning a "normal" birth (I was visibly pegnant), I breezily replied I'm having a c section and asked for more coffee but she wouldn't go as she wanted to know the reason!!!! Fucking cunt.

So if you haven't had opinions like this put to you, you are very lucky!

Yup

"One of my friends said do whatever suits you and your family best. Despite her being a complete earth mother. That was the kindest advice."

Does anyone say anything different to other mothers? Ever? 🙄 Nobody is required to breastfeed. 99% of UK babies have formula before the age of 1. Most women in the UK don't breastfeed beyond a few weeks. Most breastfed babies are combination fed.

The only people who are completely uninhibited about telling you what to do or what you should think or feel about feeding are people who are telling you to give your baby formula to resolve whatever problem you're currently experiencing as a breastfeeding mum, and not to care about breastfeeding because it doesn't really matter anyway.

In some areas there is a lot of pressure.
In others clearly not.
There was pressure in my area including from other mothers.
One of my friends said do whatever suits you and your family best. Despite her being a complete earth mother. That was the kindest advice.

Some women love it some babies love it.

Some babies, girls especially I think don't love it, they are lazy feeders and sleep a lot. If it's any effort they go to sleep.

If your baby is one of these then get a bottle and get some sleep yourself.

Ignore the certificates.

Concentrate on finding some fabulous mums at the group. And ignore the feeding.

It's hard. But I wish I'd made more mum friends there. For me. Not my kid

You will need them over the coming years.

But their kids will still consume those things regardless.

It’s a really insensitive, patronising and inappropriate thing to do. I’d speak to the organiser.