To feel rubbish about this - breastfeeding groups

It's quite infantilising imo to hand out certificates...like a primary school golden assembly

People claiming it "is not insensitive" (as though that is an objective fact) who were capable of breastfeeding their own babies, need to realise that their subjective perception is no more valid than another person's subjective perception. If you do or say something that offends not just one, but multiple people of a group who are different to you, and they tell you the impact of your words/actions, you would have to be insensitive to completely invalidate their feelings by saying they're too sensitive, or need to grow up/get over it. I couldn't imagine being so cold-hearted as to not care about making people feel ashamed/inadequate/like a failure. It would be different if we didn't live in a society in which many pregnant people/mothers are bombarded with info about how breastfeeding is the best thing for their babies, but we don't.
The context in which situations like this occur, matters. To hand them out in a group of new mums with young babies, knowing that some of them will be experiencing PND and some will have been guilt-tripped (whether by NHS staff or friends/relatives) for bottle feeding, is clearly insensitive to the struggles of some of those mothers. PPs have said they wouldn't be offended by Olympians or marathon runners winning medals as if that is the same thing - the difference is those winners wouldn't be given their medals at a group full of people where there is a higher proportion that are not medically capable of running a marathon/competing in that sport but tried hard to do so anyway, and even if they were, they certainly wouldn't ask that those who were not medically capable, clap for those who were! Certificates are supposed to commemorate the hard work and dedication that someone has put into achieving something, and therefore not receiving one implies that if you tried harder or were more dedicated you would have successfully breastfed.

Noone has suggested that people who breastfeed should be hidden, or that those who struggled to do so should not be encouraged/supported, just that this specific scenario, of celebrating breastfeeders in a group including bottlefeeders who may have desperately tried to breastfeed but been medically unable to do so, is insensitive.

I couldn't breastfeed my 4th because he had a cleft lip/palate. Something like that when he was little would have broken me. I pumped for him for 5 months and that nearly broke me too. It's fine to do that in a breastfeeding group but not anywhere else.

I persevered with breastfeeding for six months with only one boob and I hated it, but the idea of a certificate is absolutely cringe worthy. I did it for my kid; I don’t need a piece of paper and external affirmation. That’s ridiculous. And as you say, very insensitive to people who can’t breastfeed for all kinds of reasons.

All kinds of normal things in life are difficult and an achievement for some people due to their personal circumstances. That doesn't mean that giving out certificates for them is necessary or a good idea. If a thing is worth doing, then achieving it is its own reward. If you're proud of yourself for doing something, that's great!

She should simply have left it to the next session. I'd suggest someone has a word with her about being more sensitive to those in the M and B group.

I got given one of these once!! To be fair the poor lady giving it out looked mortified, I think it seemed a better idea in the abstract then reality hahaha. I was a bit ????? Thanks ????? about the whole thing. Any self respecting adult would be, breastfeeding is just about the personal choice and circumstances for you and your baby, not to be the most special little muffin who did A Thing.

I get that, but doesn't take away how amazing it is

Yes, of course...you DID work hard and it was a challenge (which is more toward the norm, I feel), but again, everyone's experience is different and handing out trophies is very cringe. It's like getting a trophy when you also work hard to get your child to stop tantruming - do you expect a medal every time? Motherhood is full of hard stuff we overcome, but c'mon, the certificate is silly at best and rude at worst to those who don't breastfeed.

It is an achievement for some

Right, so it wasn’t deliberate. Why would you not be pleased for other women who did breastfeed? It’s sad you couldn’t, but you clearly tried hard.

The breastfeeding rates in this country are shockingly low. Giving a bit of recognition to mothers who were able to breastfeed and continued to do so is fine. It’s the latter that’s being rewarded not the ‘being able to breastfeed’ bit. Of all the women who were able to breastfeed, these women continued.

That’s it - that’s all.

Me too, my daughter was unable to breast feed it was never an option for her. I would have found this too hard.

It is true that it can be hard work - and celebrating that is fair (privately) but there are also women who work very hard but ultimately things don't work out and they are not able to reach their breastfeeding goals.

That is not because they failed. It is because the support system failed them. That is why it feels so crass to offer "rewards" as though it was only to do with effort.

It isn’t about breastfeeding mums hiding away. As OP has already said, breastfeeding mums will obviously breastfeed at baby groups and talk about breastfeeding but certificates and expecting others to clap? Thats just odd.

I think this is very wrong, and no I am not bitter because I am 6 months too short for a ten year certificate

Breastfeeding is SO emotionally fraught in those early days and UK culture stacks everything against mothers so you are basically set up to fail at every turn. It is essentially luck if you find the right way through that. Determination is a very, very small part of it. It's not the same as giving a prize for sports day. It's more like when they give out prizes for the children who are the "greenest" by walking to school, or who raises the most sponsorship money. ie, things that many of the children are not in control of at all.

And anyway what on earth is this saying about women who make an informed choice that BF isn't the right option for them? It's just barmy. BF needs support as in access to other people BFing and normalisation and access to useful, accurate helpful support. It does not need sticker charts and certificates. I would have found this patronising and embarrassing.

But that suggests that everyone who manages to breastfeed just ‘got lucky’, and had it easy. As per my post above, managing to breastfeed despite nearly dying when my baby was a few days old and me spending 2 weeks in intensive care without my baby was an achievement for me and I did work hard. I don’t want a certificate, but I still think it’s ok to acknowledge that.

Several of us have pointed out that our “reward” for struggling through our difficult breastfeeding journey (while continuing to breastfeed) was actually to be expected to carry the burden of other mothers’ distress and hide our breastfeeding away from other mums. Which is also spectacularly insensitive.

Most mums who have to give up breastfeeding before they want to are failed by a system that doesn’t provide the necessary support. It’s the crappy absence of proper breastfeeding support we should all be upset about - and yet, here we all are heaping burdens of guilt and blame on other mums instead of getting angry about the lack of investment in maternal support.

Not at all. Sports wins are actual achievements done by hard work and commitment combined with discipline and talent. I'm someone who might be considered 'successful' in breastfeeding, but, like I said in my other post, it wasn't a competition, I didn't 'win', I didn't 'work hard' or 'practice'. I got the lucky stick, that's it. Nothing special. Think of women who had one baby who breastfed easypeasy, then the second who had terrible difficulties and ended up on formula. Did the mom lose or fail? No, of course not.

It's totally cringe. But I do think you need to lighten up about the bf. It's not worth the agro. It makes very little if any difference in the long run. Your mental health is far more important.

I bf both of mine. Now they are watching telly and eating sweets. Save your energy for something that matters

All sounds very twee and patronising anyway, I wouldn't participate in a group that behaved like that on principle.

Is it 'rude' to hand out medals and prizes to children who win races at sports day, because it hurts the feelings of parents whose children aren't good at sports?

Another thought, it's not an achievement, either.

Mothers from around the world tell stories of their difficulties breastfeeding and equally, we hear stories of it being the easiest, most natural thing in the world. Are they all lying? I think not, rather, it just means that the experience varies WIDELY. My dear, dear friend who I worked with daily (so yes, I saw her in person) had a surprise pregnancy where she gave birth around 8 months and didn't know she was pregnant as she'd had erratic periods her whole life (she seriously didn't look pregnant, just a tad overweight in the tummy), she went in and they told her she likely had kidney stones...the shock of delivery and the shock of dealing with being a single, new mother made the idea of breastfeeding so out of left field that she didn't do it. She felt incredible guilt already about drinking and pain relief she'd done whilst pregnant, imagine her seeing those certificates - I'd have been livid on her behalf. That's night and day from my experience w/ a textbook latching on with my first baby and no pain. I was expecting it to be difficult or at least a challenge, but it wasn't, but I'm not special or particularly skilled, I just got lucky.

These are both true stories...any one dealing with mothers of newborns should know that there is a BIG spectrum of breastfeeding and it can vary with different kids same mother. I did nothing special to have it easy, my friend did nothing wrong by not breastfeeding at all.

Your point is that this 'amazing achievement' (your words) mustn't be acknowledged by anyone publicly - primarily to save the feelings of people who couldn't/didn't breastfeed?
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Sounds like an anomaly in this particular scenario and ordinarily the ‘certificates’ wouldn’t have been given in that group.

While it’s not exactly appropriate, I hesitate to call it ‘insensitive’. I think women would do well to own whatever their journey has been, knowing it’s right for them and their baby, and not let others have such a rein on their emotions.

It’s an emotive subject yes, but I think we all need to have more conviction for ourselves and not let these things get to us.