DH adamant I should stay in job I hate. Who is BU?

It’s very easy to put your whole life on hold when thinking about IVF in case you are pregnant. One of the best pieces of advice that I received (for my mental health) is that if you have to cancel stuff or change stuff around because you are pregnant, you will be overjoyed at the IVF having worked and won’t care about cancelling things or whatever.

So are the downsides of changing jobs (less maternity pay for example) overcome by a successful first round?

Because (and I hate to say it), it doesn’t always work first time, and you could be stuck in this job for years, wishing that you had made the move before you started. Hope for the best but prepare for differing outcomes.

Very true!

Even every day sometimes. I know by exhausting experience!

This is one of those heart v head dilemmas. Dh is thinking , with his head, whilst you’re thinking with your heart. Neither of you are wrong, and have valid points.

If you start a new job, and are there for less than two years, will that affect maternity pay ?

Choose if you’d rather delay the IVF or the job change.
Personally I would delay the job change.

Last one from me. I wouldn't put IVF off for a year or so. The younger you are the better chance you have of success.

It might be NHS funded IVF.

He is right about the appointments. They are nearly every two or three days during the swimming stage.

gosh writing that last post has got me thinking about how we finally decided we were in a place to start a family. We waited a long time, waited until we were both comfortable in our jobs, i had been in my job long enough to feel secure, that i knew what i was doing etc etc, and the money was good.

I'm not in UK so the maternity leave rules were different (and good) and we had decided for various reasons that i would go back to work when the baby was 6 months old and my DH would take a year parental leave, and then we would decide if we were going to take the final year or not.

We had it all worked out, had enough to pay our (extortionate) rent etc etc etc. And one small spanner in the works (i was 12 weeks and one day pregnant, I'd told them bang on 12 weeks that i was pregnant) threw it all off.

I couldn't get a job as a pregnant woman. I was given the run around by the unemployment benefits agency as "you can't be fired it's illegal" etc etc. Luckily i had legal insurance or it would have been a lot worse. But i was out of work for 3 years, and my MH was absolutely shot to buggery by it all. the stress (DH earned about half my salary) over not being able to afford things got worse and worse as our savings were obliterated. I spent the first 3 years of DC1s life crying and not sleeping or eating well.

In the end, and nearly 30 years later, even going past the baby food aisle gives me awful flashbacks to the stress.

and we didn't have to fork out for IVF.

Which is great is financially possible, but when you consider OP and her partner also have IVF to pay for, not being able to keep the heating on, food on the table, a roof over their heads has a much bigger impact on your life than an extra year in the job before moving on with less risk.

I was fired while pregnant. Illegally - but since it was a small company it was cheaper for them to close down and reopen with a new name.

I spent my pregnacy with my lawyer way more than with my OB/GYN, in court when i was massively pregnant, and with no way of getting a new job. It was utterly shit.

I would NEVER recommend trying for a baby unless your job was secure AND your partner is fully on board.

Are people not allowed maternity leave? Is there a rule that says no babies with x amount of time of a new job? Don't be daft.

this role - if she finds it - will put her on a back foot as far as employment rights etc etc, and the flexibility she currently has.

Her husband isn't being a big ol' meanie, he is looking to the future and he is trying to minimise her stress at being i the middle of IVF and unemployed, or pregnant and uemployed.

And as pp said: pretty much all jobs are all stress at the moment anyway.

I know this is mumsnet so the tendency is so often to say: sod everything have the baby and do what you want. But it is mumsnet and there are a lot of posts about having done this kind of thing and being strapped for cash with a DH who is now resentful at having to carry the financial load even though he cautioned against it.

It is good they are talking about it, but the decision isn't unilateral.

I really feel like there are a lot of comments on this thread from people that haven't actually done it

It seems a little unsupportive. I have a friend who jacked in her job as she found it really stressful. She lost maternity pay. They dealt with it by switching to repayment only on the mortgage. She was so much happier though as found a job she loved and in the long term paid more. Her DP supported her decision throughout (she was main earner). Can’t imagine someone expecting their partner to stay in a crap job, it has such a big impact on quality of life.

I would move jobs now for sure - especially to a company that has a supportive approach to maternity and support for parents - my company for example provides 6 months full pay for maternity and offers flexibility- the sooner you get in prior to getting pg the better - and removing the level of stress is likely better for success if IVF imo.

I can't imagine how awkward I would feel taking so much time off for appointments being brand new

"To qualify for SMP you must.... have worked for your employer continuously for at least 26 weeks continuing into the ‘qualifying week’ - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth"

So basically you need to be in the new job before you conceive to qualify for statutory maternity pay. This is worth bearing in mind if you're looking for a job while also trying to conceive.

He's right.

You'll need A LOT of flexibility for the appointments, it gets really intense at certain times of the month

Anyway, it sounds like a 'better the devil you know' situation. If you move, you would have to accept the risk of potentially more stress, less benefits, less flexibility. Obviously you wouldn't aim to go and work somewhere like that, but changing job is always a massive risk.

This is a weird take. Fair on who? Sounds like you're looking out for the future employer and future employees rather than OP?

Shouldn't be a concern when you're thinking about family.

He makes logical points.

Yes, but if that new role means no enhanced maternity pay, or it could mean starting, failing and being unemployed and pregnant?

It’s not fair to just place the financial burden on him to fund IVF, household and child without his agreement. That’s relationship ending territory. When you are a team financially you do have to make decisions together because you can’t just force a partner to fund everything against their will. He isn’t saying never look for another job, he’s saying we’re 4 months out from IVF, and potentially pregnancy, so now isn’t the time to take any financial or stressful risks.

She would be looking for a role which pays more presumably as she is underpaid now. IVF could stretch on for a long time and there is no guarantee, it’s not fair to put her career on hold and stay in a stressful, poorly paid position because IVF might be successful. Sometimes a short term financial hit (loss of maternity pay) can be worth it.

That's not what he's saying though is it. He's saying the flexibility, the WFH, the mat pay all as being benefits.

Neither of them have a wrong opinion, it's a rock and a hard place.