To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

Just checked, has both meanings!

Yanbu. If neither you or dh want to gi, don't and invite pils to your house on Boxing Day.
I thought "spitting feathers" meant very thirsty, not really angry?

I do think it is a bit harsh to say you are not going to go over to their house as it is too small to be honest. My parents live in a small flat and we make do. Also, suggesting a pub is one thing, telling them that their house is too small and it will have to be a pub is quite another. I think it could have been handled better.

I’d probably start to have conversations with your husband about what kind of Christmas’ is best for your family. Some families very much enjoy and thrive off the “camping” style everyone on the floor chaos (and I’ve had similar Christmas’ I remember being a kid) and it’s all great fun …. Doesn’t sound like that’s the vibe at your in-laws! Now my family does what you suggested and we meet up somewhere and make a day of it! Point is, every kid remembers Christmas - yours sounds like they’ll have memories of very frazzled, grumpy grown ups on top of each other with the set up proposed and that’s not much fun!

You’re not unreasonable, they shifted the goalposts when they downsized and this is just a logical consequence. Travelling with tiny kids was always going to be harder and they should have known this. Ultimately it’s down to your husband and his sister to deal with their parents, and they can stomp and tantrum all they like but it still doesn’t mean you have to endure years of awful Christmas Days for your kids.

Putting your foot down now (as long as your DP is supportive) will make it easier in the long run. Let her spit feathers.

So many mothers and MILs love the idea of their clan gathering round them at Christmas, and completely ignore practicalities and everyone else's feelings and wishes.

I recently moved from my massive 5 bed house into a 2 up 2 down with a stamp sized lean to kitchen. I did it knowing that my daughter was moving into my 5 bedroom house to give my grandkids a room each and she would be hosting all of the giant festive events that I have been in charge of for the last 25 years. That was 100% welcome by me as I've hosted 32 Christmases and catered the total cost..... then she announced that she's pregnant due on Xmas Eve and I've been informed it's now on me to go back to my old home , where I no longer live or have any of my own kitchen stuff, to cook Xmas dinner for 9 adults and 4 kids. And honestly they can not seem to understand why I don't want to. I moved out expressly so that I wasn't hosting anymore. I couldn't cope with a house that size and cooking for so many people on Christmas day, then doing a huge Boxing Day party not to mention that my sister and I do have been cooking take away roast dinners from home for disabled/pensioners/singles/low income locals for the last 5 years and that's 40-60 meals in Xmas Eve. It's all too much. I would be fuming in your shoes too op.

People are just so bloody entitled these days.

Rhodri Marsden's Duvet know it's Christmas comes to mind…

However, we never had a full Christmas at home as a child. It was always completely miserable, full of rows and walking long distances to go somewhere for dinner and then shortly after start walking to next place for a tea none of us wanted. (No public transport then and we didn't have a car. We were in an area where taxis didn't run.)

I agree with others that to be honest at Christmas once you have toy-playing age kids, it’s just so much easier and less stressful to stay in your house and let people come to see you if they want to. OR find a pub to all meet for lunch as a middle ground!

Yep, this! Haven't you read Christmas in Exeter Street?

@Jimot I dont get the having to stay over that everyone seems to do! you are only an hour away so you can drive home after your meal and relax at home.. there and back in one day will be no bother without staying over.

My family always gets together at CHristmas and I would never want to just stay home alone. However - I also would find staying in such a tiny crowded house unpleasant. (My IL's place is tiny, but we don't stay over night there, and there is a chair for everyone!

My inclination would be for your DH and his siblings to make it clear to your ILs that this is not working for you all. And I wouldn't hesitate to say, look, you guys chose to move far away and downsize, which is all well and good, but it means it's much harder for all of us to visit as a family, that is the choice you made.

As someone who has lived in the country for years, people thinking everyone will come visit is always a foolish belief. They won't, regularly. (Even an hour away across a city is a stretch generally.)

Looking for solutions, I might think about renting a big house for a few days for you all. Could be a good excuse to forgo gifts and all pitch in for the expense.

What does your dh think about it all and has he/would he speak to his parents about the reality of the situation as a guest? Coz it seems like your MIL is getting cross with you but not realising that everyone feels the same.

I personally am with you, and I think going forward you need to think about Christmas from your family and children's point of view, as what suited you years ago isn't going to be the same this year, next year or any year going forward. And it would be lovely to hire a house where everyone fits in comfortably and there is room to enjoy your time together.

We had to make big changes regarding Christmas Day once the kids came along and got to a certain age- my dh's family are Italian and so we were expected to visit all aunts, uncles, grandparents and great grandparents plus my dad every Christmas morning. We would start at 9am and wouldn't be done until mid afternoon. It just sucked all enjoyment out of the day. Plus with them being Italian they would ply us with ridiculous amounts of food so by the time we had our Christmas dinner we were absolutely stuffed and felt sick. It was all too much even before kids, but it was horrible once we had kids and they just wanted to spend time playing with their new toys. So we had to put our foot down and simplify the whole morning down to my dad, and then either my in-laws or mum depending on where we spent the day. There were some mutterings from his family but tough. And we ensured we saw everybody on the days leading up to Christmas. Sometimes compromise is needed and people have to accept change.

YANBU. Nope. Once there are children, I would be having Christmas Day in my own house. Boxing Day is better for visits from or to relatives, you could alternate with your SIL to host on BD?

It's unfortunate that your PILs will be unhappy at this arrangement, but they've made it too awkward to do more than stay for an afternoon/morning now your families are growing. They have the options of staying where they are and doing visits instead, or moving to somewhere nearer with space to accommodate visitors comfortably. They don't have the right to dictate what you and your SIL do for Christmas, however furious it makes them.

I'd certainly try to come up with a compromise that everyone can accept but they wouldn't be telling me what I'm doing over Christmas, not a chance.

Once you have a child it's time to start new traditions. Be at home with your own family and invite the PiLs to yours. They have had 20+ years of family Christmases now it's your turn.

Yanbu at all!

In your position I would look for a big airbnb where your family and your SIL's family can all be comfortable and have enough beds, and you can invite PIL to join you for a special meal. If they want to also invite everyone to their house for a meal they can do so but no one has to stay over in a cramped house.

YANBU. Exact same situation here. We usually got to PILs 26-30th, along with BIL and SIL. We have one DC, another due in December, and BIL & SIL had one this year. In PILs new smaller house there aren't enough bedrooms to start with, and in the bedrooms that do exist there isn't enough space for multiple adults and babies.

BIL suggested they get a nearby airbnb to stay at and was met with indignation. I have just said we're not going this year. I'll be a couple of weeks postpartum and really cba with the fact there won't be enough space for everyone, or enough child-friendly space for the kiddos going, nevermind dealing with a newborn and all that entails.

So things change. Hopefully we will be in a big enough house to host soon and we will invite people, but there'll be no obligation to come and I won't feel guilty about not going to theirs now the space isn't suitable for the whole family.

Doesn't sound sustainable and I'd have the convo that @HotSource has suggested. I'd like an excuse not to go to in-laws over Christmas, but their house is massive so I can't use that one 😁

Interesting to see how many people said Christmas with parents in-laws etc stopped when they had kids, we alternate with visiting families at Christmas but in-laws are 5hrs away (more at Christmas as round M25!) and my parents are 12hrs drive or a flight. We have a 4 and 2 yo and beginning to think it's not worth it...

Problem is if we don't go, we don't see 2 SILs and our two nephews.

I think even if they had a big house it's unreasonable to expect everyone to come for Christmas every year, especially once there are grandchildren. People want to make their own Christmas!

It's baffling they made they move they did when they want to be involved in childcare and hosting family get- togethers.

If they're only an hour away could you just go for a couple of hours and go home after lunch?

Except the op is already not finding it fun. And that’s without the addition of 2 extra babies next year

I think you could suck it up for a weekend once a year just to keep MIL happy (DC need to learn how to avoid hitting their heads on furniture! And to sleep where they're told).

But no way would someone dictate to me how to spend Xmas so YANBU - stick to your guns!

It’s my idea of hell!

And especially not enjoyable when pregnant with a toddler like op!

Not everyone is the same!

YANBU.
Totally acceptable for you to spend Christmas at your home with your little family. Or with your own parents.
Booking a lunch is a good idea as is going away for a long weekend either in hotel or Air bnb or something so you can all be together in comfort.
MIL is being unreasonable to expect everyone to fit in with her wishes every Christmas. But as it’d only be one night it might be worth the squish if you think you’ll have a fun time.

I assume your sis and bro in law were previously crashing in the living room? She's not going to want to do that pregnant!

The only compromise for her house is to alternate brothers each year, so you go one year, they go the next but even that might not work with two kids.

Can you or the sis/bro in law host? Do you have the room or do you guys live close ent to not sleep over?

Congratulations on your pregnancy op!

YANBU at all. Time to ring the changes!

As you say, change was happening anyway because of the advent of dc. Being pregnant with a toddler squashed in uncomfortably is not a barrel of laughs at the best of times, and certainly not during the busy period of Christmas, and your mil should have some consideration about that.

Equally your pils had the right to downsize and they shouldn’t be criticised for it, but did they not think of the natural consequences?

Could you all contribute financially to staying in a child friendly air b and b or self catering accommodation? Or a few cottages on the same site? It’s late to start looking but that way you all contribute equally and each have your own space? And you may get lucky with availability if you don’t live in a touristy area?

Alternatively, if that is a stretch financially, why not each have your own individual Christmases at home and then meet up in a village hall, or restaurant or visitor attraction for one afternoon or evening? A zoo? A stately home?

Make some new traditions! Good luck!