To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

This I am against dragging kids around in uncomfortable situations for people who have had their years of Christmas. This year is a perfect time to put an end to it

Absolutely not.
Offer to have them over on boxing day after you've had your family Christmas.

Don't ever suffer to make someone else happy when there are better saner options.
Lots of people into a tiny house is unpleasant for everyone.

If you really wanted to spend Christmas with them then you would make it work.

You don't. So you are using the 'well you downsized' as a reason not to go. Same with visiting- now too far. Would you have found fault if they lived in a much larger property close to you? Is it really just the property they chose?

If it's only an hour drive there's no need for sleeping over, someone can just host a meal.

My grandparents owned a small hotel (10 bedrooms) and, as the hotel wasn’t open in the winter, they always hosted a big family Christmas party every year. Relatives all stayed for two or three nights as there was plenty of space. When they retired and sold the hotel, they moved to a traditional two up, two down cottage in the countryside. They continued to host Christmases on a slightly smaller scale for a few more years. The adults (3 couples) used the bedrooms and lounge and the five grandchildren slept in the dining room on blow-up mattresses. It was great fun but eventually we children all got too big to cram in together, so my aunt and uncle, who had a bigger house, just had most of us over for the day.
As retirees ourselves now, we have hosted Christmas on a daytime basis until two years ago, when our adult children put their collective feet down and told us that had we done quite enough cooking for groups of 12-15 people and that, in future, we would be their guests. Although disappointed at the time, I can now see that they were right!

Are your parents no longer around?

Just tell MIL you are spending Christmas at home every year from now on. So what if she gets upset?

See them for lunch a couple of days before/after.

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I imagine the defensiveness and determination of PIL wanting to host in their new home is a reflection of their realisation that it is too small for a growing extended family and too far away for regular visits.

I wouldn’t want to spoil my Christmas being cramped and uncomfortable.

My parents live hours and hours from us in a house way too small to accommodate all their kids and grandkids. When we do all visit half of us sit on the floor, I’ve told them outright we can’t ’Christmas’ there as there’s not enough room but they can’t come to us as they can’t bring nor will they leave their dogs.

I think this is one for your DH to tackle kindly with them. Bit of a ‘not my monkeys, not my circus’ situation.

Hi op,

Can they afford to rent a RBNB somewhere for all? Start a new trad where MIL would still host but there is actually room for everyone?

You can put your feet up…though with DS probably not and enjoy family?

Good luck 🌺

It’s lovely to include grandparents at Christmas time.
But once you have your own children it has to be your decision about what is happening, according to the needs of the children, and both sets of parents, have to be gracious enough to accept this. It doesn’t stop them issuing their own invitation for you to go to theirs at some stage over Christmas but I don’t see any need to stay the night at all if they are only an hour away.

Discuss with your DH what you want to do and then he should take the lead in letting them know. It wont be upsetting as long as he does it nicely and is inclusive and is firm in his reasoning.

I live in a terrace with an annexe kitchen/bathroom. I stopped hosting my DB and his family when the kids got to a certain age because I realised that four adults and three teenage boys was not going to work in the space. It really is difficult to seat four adults and kids - your PIL seems to want an extra two adults! I have an extendable dining table you can just about squeeze seven around if some are kids but you certainly wouldn't want more than six adults around it. Extra furniture will not provide extra space! (We have extra foldaway chairs in the loft!)

At the end of the day, they weren't thinking about their children and grandchildren when they moved away to a smaller house an hour away. They made the decision, they can live with it. You tell them you won't be going down and staying at Christmas all packed in like sardines. You want to enjoy it, have enough space to move around freely without worrying about the logistics of it all. They will have to make the effort to travel to yours or their daughters and have Christmas there. Plus, I think it's nice for children to be in their own home on Christmas day so they can play with all their toys and relax. Your MIL is being very selfish wanting things her own way.!

When our kids came along, we stayed put. If anyone wanted to pop in and see us they could but briefly. I sound selfish but I work in a school so it’s literally finish work and Christmas is on you and it’s full on. I like time to myself and my own family as it is a horrendously busy time as it is without accommodating every man and their dog. We hosted one year reluctantly as we’d bought a bigger house. Haven’t done it since but my MIL always wants to come for dinner and hints away. BIL finally stepped up and took her in. She’s a bloody pest all day and drains me. My time off so I choose how I spend it.

Stay at home on Christmas Day and have a lovely day with your husband and children. Invite the PIL if you like, but on your terms. Mine are welcome but I'm having fun with the children on Christmas Day not spending the day cooking!

Stay at home. Invite your parents and in-laws on alternate years for Christmas day/overnight, with the odd year having nobody over at all!
They need to accept that it just doesn't work anymore. My MIL used to have her children and other halves over on Boxing Day, which was a squeeze to begin with, but once babies and children were in the picture, it stopped.

This. Your family is your family. You, DH and DS. Don’t need to justify or feel bad. Maybe they need to upscale BUT I would still want Xmas day at home- my home.

Not necessarily. The OP said they lived in a bigger house, hence I asked why they moved an hour away and to somewhere much smaller if family and entertaining were so important to them.

Lots of houses have small bedrooms but a much bigger living area.

My in-laws also downsized but bought somewhere that had a more manageable garden, fewer bedrooms but sufficient downstairs entertainment space. They even went as far as knock out a wall to make sure a large dining table would fit!!

We go to my PILs every Christmas. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest because a) they help out a lot with our DC so it would feel crappy to deny them seeing their GC at Christmas b) it saves me the effort of having to cook Xmas dinner and c) my own parents are dead so I want my DC to have these memories with their surviving grandparents. That said, we aren’t all squeezed in like sardines at their house! Hopefully once we’ve moved to a bigger place we’ll be able to host Christmas at home and they can come to us but for now, we have Christmas morning at home, open some pressies, hop in the car, drive 25 mins or so and spend the rest of the day with them.

Not read the full thread, sorry! Once my DD had children I accepted that Christmas would be at her house, much nicer for the children when they were small, could open their presents, play with them and they wouldn't have to be dragged out to a relatives house while they were enjoying themselves.

@toomuchfaff

in-laws are family though?

If your start off with a three bed semi or detached (like most people) downsizing is never going to give you much entertaining space.

I do feel that when someone moves away, even only an hour, the onus is on them to facilitate time together.

Would you say that if it was the son and DIL who moved away?

@Jimot your in-laws are somewhat delusional. When downsizing, you need to consider what is important in your life. If playing the grandparent role and hosting family gatherings was important to them, then moving an hour away to a house too small for people to sit down is just silly!

Why did they chose to do that??

My parents "downsized" from a 4 bed to a 5 bed. They moved nearer to my grandparents who needed some help and my brother, but also to a house that required less maintenance and a smaller garden, plus also a house that just the downstairs can be lived in should they ever struggle with stairs. They now have 5 grandchildren, and although it's a 4 hour drive for me, they have plenty of space to stay.

Your in-laws should perhaps reconsider their choice to move, and move back to a house that has more entertaining space.

Could you hire an AirBnB for Christmas? Stay 3 nights and all cook a meal each?

I do feel that when someone moves away, even only an hour, the onus is on them to facilitate time together. If they're unable to travel to you some of the time, they'll simply have to be satisfied with whatever you/DH are comfortable doing. I'd hate to have to spend two hours journeying every single weekend.

Personally, I'd try to be more flexible around Christmas, but even if it's manageable (at a squeeze) for one more year, things change, and your in-laws will have to face that fact eventually. Things will be different, but that doesn't mean they can't be perfectly enjoyable, still. I'd discuss it with DH, then leave it to him to do most of the communicating, as it's his family.

Because a lot of people like to have a drink on Christmas Day. And even if you don’t, loading up a car with babies and toddlers, all the normal baby paraphernalia plus Christmas presents is not fun.

I imagine if MIL whispers about her as soon as OP leaves the room as described then it’s probably not that mutual…