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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think Christmas at PILs is unsustainable?

159 replies

Jimot · 08/10/2024 09:50

There is a backstory here in that PILs moved to a two up two down cottage/terrace in a semi rural area in the COVID no stamp duty era. They previously lived in a bigger house much closer to us and liked to have people over. They are now an hour away. We tried to gently broach how their lifestyle was going to work with the house when they were planning the move but they didn't want to hear it. Since then we had DS and PILs have been resentful that we don't have them do regular childcare, and don't accept really that the logistics wouldn't work, I think they just believe I'm favouring my parents and being awkward. We see them roughly once a fortnight on average although they would say we don't bother seeing them enough.

The house is small. So is our house, so it's not about being snobby over it, but they seem to still want to host like they used to.
Recently MIL complained that she would offer to host an extended family get together but no one ever wants to drive out to see them, and DH said in the car in the way back how he wondered where they were planning on putting everyone if they did host. PIL like to have DH and I and DS plus SIL and her DH over at the same time. There aren't enough seats in the living room for the adults so someone needs to sit on the floor. DS already tends to end up banging his head on furniture when playing as there is very limited floor space. If we eat at the table in the kitchen folding chairs are needed and we all need to shuffle around with our backs against the wall. We tend to spend a weekend with them including an overnight to do Christmas together. This is already changing as when a baby DS would sleep in a double with us to stay over but now he just won't sleep in bed with us and there is no room to put a camp bed down.
Now SIL is expecting next year and I've found out I am too!
We were talking about Christmas and I said next year maybe we had better book a pub with a soft play to be able to accommodate us all, or maybe even go away somewhere after Xmas. MIL was absolutely spitting feathers, absolutely indignant that we would be having family Christmas at their house and began speaking about the extra furniture they're going to purchase. I didn't really say much else although I was thinking that this was really no solution. Maybe we will be able to bring folding highchairs next year and keep babies on laps but even so, soon enough there just literally won't be room to fit in 6 adults and 3 children. They already don't have a Christmas tree as there is no room for one.

So was I unreasonable in my assertion about pub or going away? I do feel a little guilty as I do realise they want all their family together but to me it doesn't matter what the location is. I already find it a bit uncomfortable at their house but I'm dreading next year as feel like we are going to be literally squished in thigh to thigh and I won't be able to relax trying to manage the kids not being trodden on.

I'm happy to be hit with it though if I'm just totally selfish! AIBU?

OP posts:
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LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2024 08:22

Dogsbreath7 · 09/10/2024 18:04

This. Your family is your family. You, DH and DS. Don’t need to justify or feel bad. Maybe they need to upscale BUT I would still want Xmas day at home- my home.

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@Dogsbreath7

you’re wrong. Our own parents and our partner’s parents do not cease to stop being our family if/when we have children.

do you think that when your own children get married and have kids then you will cease to exist and stop being their family as well?

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 11/10/2024 07:42

WitchyBits · 08/10/2024 10:51

I recently moved from my massive 5 bed house into a 2 up 2 down with a stamp sized lean to kitchen. I did it knowing that my daughter was moving into my 5 bedroom house to give my grandkids a room each and she would be hosting all of the giant festive events that I have been in charge of for the last 25 years. That was 100% welcome by me as I've hosted 32 Christmases and catered the total cost..... then she announced that she's pregnant due on Xmas Eve and I've been informed it's now on me to go back to my old home , where I no longer live or have any of my own kitchen stuff, to cook Xmas dinner for 9 adults and 4 kids. And honestly they can not seem to understand why I don't want to. I moved out expressly so that I wasn't hosting anymore. I couldn't cope with a house that size and cooking for so many people on Christmas day, then doing a huge Boxing Day party not to mention that my sister and I do have been cooking take away roast dinners from home for disabled/pensioners/singles/low income locals for the last 5 years and that's 40-60 meals in Xmas Eve. It's all too much. I would be fuming in your shoes too op.

People are just so bloody entitled these days.

In this situation, I would be booking into an air b&b for a few days over Christmas or booking Christmas lunch in a restaurant I wanted to try!!

I’m sorry to read your family can’t see beyond the end of their noses and expect you to solve their problems! I hope you find something to do this Christmas that doesn’t include you waiting on them hand and foot so they can absolve themselves of taking responsibility for one day!!

justasking111 · 10/10/2024 23:42

My friends solved the problem with an Airbnb. She said everyone has a great time and home cooked meals

Maidsmum · 10/10/2024 23:18

As others have said, do what suits you. This used to give me so much stress and drama. Those days are way behind me now. I recently saw John Delony talking about this topic (I love listening to his podcast!), and fully agree with the sentiment. It's your time too, remember!! This is a Tiktok of the extract of the show John Delony

saraclara · 10/10/2024 18:16

Ava27268 · 10/10/2024 11:53

I’m afraid a number of young people will just see this as continuing to hog the experiences, as well as the resources Ie large family home, which are sadly out of reach for so many nowadays given the shortage of family homes. Why not give up the mantle of hosting Christmas to younger relatives and allow them to have the experiences you have had? All well and good if all the relatives are happy with the arrangement, but some might want to have Christmas in their own homes and host you?

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I didn't mention Christmas Day. I spent that on my own last year, because I absolutely do give my adult children the choice about what they do. But hosting family isn't just about Christmas day. I invite the entire extended family on boxing day, and so far they've all wanted to come.

And of course downsizing means fewer starter homes for young people, and the price of those one and two bedroomed properties increasing in value and being even more unobtainable.

I haven't yet decided whether I'll downsize ,or if so, when. But either young couples or families will win lost or whatever I decide.

MarkWithaC · 10/10/2024 18:15

SBHon · 08/10/2024 10:09

Squeezing all in for Christmas is part of the fun I think.

To an extent, yes; I fondly remember childhood Christmases sleeping in weird little spare box rooms and the like on an air bed, and cramming random extra chairs (folding ones, garden ones) round the table.
But there is not physically enough room at these people's house to get round the room without sidling round the table, and kids can't play without hitting their heads on the furniture. That's clearly not OK.

MarkWithaC · 10/10/2024 18:12

Ignore her spitting feathers or redirect her to your DH.
I think the idea of splitting the cost of a big holiday house is a very good one and seems like the easiest way to please everyone.

Sugargliderwombat · 10/10/2024 18:08

Jimot · 10/10/2024 11:23

They are but as they do regular childcare and see DS often PILs get prioritised at weekends and holidays as they are the ones 'missing out'.

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I think this is so unfair on your parents. They help so they don't get to do Christmas and your in laws get to kick off about you changing the venue?! Madness!

Thursdaygirl · 10/10/2024 17:37

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2024 14:28

OP fwiw I don't think you're being at all unfair. If people choose to move and/or downsize they should accept that life won't go on as before with everyone else changing their schedules to suit them.

You've offered alternatives that include them. If they don't want those that's their choice but you don't have to run yourself ragged to please them.

This - the OP has suggested alternative plans which include the GP

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2024 14:28

OP fwiw I don't think you're being at all unfair. If people choose to move and/or downsize they should accept that life won't go on as before with everyone else changing their schedules to suit them.

You've offered alternatives that include them. If they don't want those that's their choice but you don't have to run yourself ragged to please them.

Flipzandchipz · 10/10/2024 14:09

Reading between the lines OP I am wondering if it is your PIL who are of the opinion that they are missing out by not being able to do regular childcare and either throw a strop or passive aggressive comments your way if it is suggested you see your parents at weekends/christmas? If so then that’s unfair on you and your parents. It is your PIL’s choice to have moved away, they can’t have their cake and eat it, it would be much fairer if you alternate and don’t feel pressured by your in laws to always do weekends or Christmas with them. Not saying don’t do any but I’m sure you’d like to see your DC and parents together rather than your parents having DC for childcare and you never getting to spend any quality time with them? Might be way off the mark but they sound a bit like my PIL so took a shot at what might be going on

MSLRT · 10/10/2024 13:14

Ava27268 · 10/10/2024 11:53

I’m afraid a number of young people will just see this as continuing to hog the experiences, as well as the resources Ie large family home, which are sadly out of reach for so many nowadays given the shortage of family homes. Why not give up the mantle of hosting Christmas to younger relatives and allow them to have the experiences you have had? All well and good if all the relatives are happy with the arrangement, but some might want to have Christmas in their own homes and host you?

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'Hog the experiences?' Seriously

Flugelb1nder · 10/10/2024 12:58

Space issue aside, christmas with the inlaws is grim af

I did it two or three times and it was just awful.

KatherineSiena · 10/10/2024 12:44

Wow! I really hope your parents don’t just do childcare for you but never get any downtime or social time with you all as that would be grossly unfair. Who has made the decision that PiLs get prioritised at weekends and holidays?

Completely agree with you that a squashed, overcrowded Christmas in a tiny house would be miserable going forward though.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 10/10/2024 12:43

Jimot · 10/10/2024 11:23

They are but as they do regular childcare and see DS often PILs get prioritised at weekends and holidays as they are the ones 'missing out'.

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Your parents do the hard work and don’t get the fun times as a consequence? Are they happy about that?

lateatwork · 10/10/2024 12:36

SmallBox · 10/10/2024 12:27

Did you read the part where there's physically no space to fit them all in at the new house? No room for a Christmas tree and not enough chairs. She's suggested a pub meal or all going away together, so yes - it appears to be just the tiny house they live in ffs.

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She also said they made their own bed....

But as OP has pointed out, she has made other suggestions. It is only an hour away. They don't have to stay. They could all get a house somewhere else instead etc

SmallBox · 10/10/2024 12:27

lateatwork · 10/10/2024 09:22

If you really wanted to spend Christmas with them then you would make it work.

You don't. So you are using the 'well you downsized' as a reason not to go. Same with visiting- now too far. Would you have found fault if they lived in a much larger property close to you? Is it really just the property they chose?

Did you read the part where there's physically no space to fit them all in at the new house? No room for a Christmas tree and not enough chairs. She's suggested a pub meal or all going away together, so yes - it appears to be just the tiny house they live in ffs.

Ava27268 · 10/10/2024 12:01

My parents alternated hosting Christmas with their parents and in-laws and that worked really well. We continue this tradition on the years that we see my family. My husband’s family on the other hand follow the tradition that Christmas must be hosted at great grandma’s house (other people cook) without fail every.single.year. as that is how she likes it. Some people grumble behind the scenes as there isn’t room for everyone to sit and frankly, in my view, it’s just boring to do the same thing every year for decades… it leads to the same conversations led by the host about people long dead whom only those in their 80s ever knew….

cuddlebear · 10/10/2024 11:56

It seems unfair that your parents never get to have Christmas with you…

Ava27268 · 10/10/2024 11:53

saraclara · 08/10/2024 11:40

This is one of the reasons that older people are reluctant to downsize.

My greatest pleasure in life is hosting my family and extended family. If I downsize, that's yet another thing I lose, alongside all the memories that are bound up in my home of 35 years.

I don't blame you OP, and would feel the same. But I hope that MNers remember this when they can't understand why their parents aren't keen to downsize.

I’m afraid a number of young people will just see this as continuing to hog the experiences, as well as the resources Ie large family home, which are sadly out of reach for so many nowadays given the shortage of family homes. Why not give up the mantle of hosting Christmas to younger relatives and allow them to have the experiences you have had? All well and good if all the relatives are happy with the arrangement, but some might want to have Christmas in their own homes and host you?

Original poster
Jimot · 10/10/2024 11:30

lateatwork · 10/10/2024 09:22

If you really wanted to spend Christmas with them then you would make it work.

You don't. So you are using the 'well you downsized' as a reason not to go. Same with visiting- now too far. Would you have found fault if they lived in a much larger property close to you? Is it really just the property they chose?

I actually think that's pretty unfair, I'm proposing other options which do include them.

If they had stayed in their previous property they'd be doing regular childcare as I'd be able to drop off DS in the morning.
As much as they might swear they would, there is no way that they would get up at 6am and drive over to ours to watch DC and enable us both to leave for work. They struggle to make 9.30am plans, no moral judgement, but it's not feasible!
We would be able to just do a call in as we used to on the way back from somewhere as it would be on our regular route, rather than a conscious effort to drive out of the way to somewhere we would have otherwise not chosen to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jimot · 10/10/2024 11:23

cuddlebear · 09/10/2024 22:02

Are your parents no longer around?

Just tell MIL you are spending Christmas at home every year from now on. So what if she gets upset?

See them for lunch a couple of days before/after.

They are but as they do regular childcare and see DS often PILs get prioritised at weekends and holidays as they are the ones 'missing out'.

OP posts:
Thebellofstclements · 10/10/2024 10:55

Sixteenandfourteen789 · 08/10/2024 10:20

It’s my idea of hell!

And especially not enjoyable when pregnant with a toddler like op!

Not everyone is the same!

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I think kids age 3+ (with much older ones!) all lined up on campbeds in the attic is fun, but adults are tired mid-Dec and need a proper sleep - they may only have a long weekend off (or less). o
Not enough space to move around the house during the day will very quickly lead to frayed tempers as well. Especially if it's raining so the DC can't whizz round the garden as easily - togging up/down in a tiny house AAAARGH

Tangerinenets · 10/10/2024 10:13

We went to my mum and dads for years. She has a huge house but she’d invite loads of random people like my brothers housemates at uni and the couple that live next door etc. it got chaotic, dinner never ready until 6/7pm. We would get up early, pack the kids and all the presents into the car and never get home until around 10pm with tired grumpy children and then have to get them all ready for bed and unpack everything. When the kids were 4,5 and 11 we decided to start staying home, mum and dad would pop over Boxing Day and we’d see other family as and when. That first Christmas was blissful! The kids could open their presents at leisure and not get dressed if the didn’t want to. Much more relaxing. Of course my mum especially was upset but our eldest is severely autistic and when I had my third I had him and two babies just a year apart. It just got too much. Christmas is a whole period of time, not just one day.

MintyNew · 10/10/2024 10:07

toomuchfaff · 08/10/2024 10:13

Nope.

Make it abundantly clear now that Christmas is now about YOUR family, it will be spent at your own house, for your own children. You're starting your own traditions, with a growing family, it has to start somewhere and now is the perfect time. PIL'S just won't work for you so you're going to decline the invite this year, thank but no thanks.

Exactly!!

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