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Original poster

Things DP said to me while on holiday

641 replies

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

OP posts:
Single50something · 09/10/2024 19:01

I had an ex that would say similar. Go out for dinner and see other women dressed up and he'd ask why I didn't.
Would constantly say I'd look better a bit slimmer. I got down to a size 10/12 and still said I needed to lose more.
Looking back.. total bell end. He was the one that needed to improve and not me..

fetchacloth · 09/10/2024 18:58

My very last holiday with (now ex) H began exactly the same as yours OP, with a similar exchange in the airport before we even got onto the plane. The entire holiday continued in a similar vein. About a week after we returned from the holiday we were separated and later divorced.
This had been building up for a while, and there multiple reasons for the split, but sometimes you have to regain your self respect and walk away from someone who treats you with such contempt. Life's too short. 💐

fabulosaaa · 09/10/2024 18:52

Post a pic, I want to drool over what is clearly an oil painting.

OP, next time he's naked, do a little laugh, when he asks why you're laughing, just reply "oh nothing you're just funny" followed by a sweet smile.

I fucking despise men.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/10/2024 18:51

Oh come on. Are you really not sure if you're being oversensitive? If you thought all this was fine you wouldn't be asking. You know it isn't on. What are you really posting?

Icantrememberit · 09/10/2024 18:50

I think you should’ve replied that he was punching, and is quite lucky to have you considering he’s a massive prick as well as being a toad.

Franhollywood · 09/10/2024 18:50

As is often the case with mumsnet, first response nails it.

DiduAye · 09/10/2024 18:49

He's an abuser it won't get better LTB

DadJoke · 09/10/2024 18:48

He has contempt for you. Very few relationships survive that.

ElizaJ74 · 09/10/2024 18:48

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 12:36

A friend has suggested telling him to go to his mums/a friend for a few days. She says this is to show him that I’m serious and will give him time to see if he really does want to be with me or not. The problem with this is the fact that I am 99% sure that he’ll say he wants to come back but I know it’ll just be for the convenience of having somewhere to live etc

Edited

Why does he get to choose??
He's acting like you're not good enough for him, he's disrespectful and mean to you. Why do you want that? Is it because he's been chipping away at your confidence over the years?
I hope you find the strength to bin him, you're worth far more than this man is showing you x

YourOpalTurtle · 09/10/2024 18:46

Criticism like that is controlling behaviour. Plus it's shitty.
You do not deserve any of it, and no, you are not being too sensitive.
Sounds like you need to dump him asap. You deserve far better.
Hold your boundaries when it comes to how people are allowed, or not, to treat and speak to you.

TheOneandOnlyPrincessFiona84 · 09/10/2024 18:45

Strawberries86 · 08/10/2024 07:02

He’s a massive bell end.

Absolutely. What a cunt

Maia77 · 09/10/2024 18:43

He seems immature, insensitive and resentful.

StellaCruella · 09/10/2024 18:41

I’d tell him I’d been thinking about what he said about whether people would think one of us is punching and I’d realised what he was hinting at and he was right. I feel I could do better for myself so I’m going to leave him and find someone as good looking as me.

Worriedatwork1 · 09/10/2024 18:38

Having had a partner like this for many years, I’d be getting rid ASAP, my ex still makes comments like this about other people and at times our teenage kids and I am so glad to be shot of his nasty, shallow self

Myfrenchieismybestie · 09/10/2024 18:32

Personally I would take a different approach over the next week, Give him a little taste of how it feels, make little comments to him. “Did your barber do something different to your hair this time?” Whilst side eyeing him, or looking confused. Even give his belly a little wobble “ahh I love your dad bod” things like that, always say you meant it as a compliment etc and after a week if he brings them all up sit him down and explain this is how you have felt for the however many years, you just thought that’s how he wanted to be with each other, and maybe it’s for the best if use no longer use underhand comments and stick to real compliments

Flipzandchipz · 09/10/2024 18:27

What a prick! Clearly he is very vain. You are not being over sensitive. He sounds rude and unsupportive. I’d be questioning my relationship if DH started treating me like that. That’s not how a loving husband is meant to act.

exaltedwombat · 09/10/2024 18:27

You can approach this from two directions. 1. He’s just being nasty. 2. You’ve announced a desire to lose weight (‘I need to get back on my diet’) and trying to support you in this.
I don’t understand the ‘angin’ reference.

MauveExpert · 09/10/2024 18:25

Ivehearditbothways · 08/10/2024 12:48

You can’t force him. If he is on the tenancy then you can’t force him. Even if the kids won’t live with him full time.

And again… how are you going to afford it?

Show quote history

Weird vibe here

Horses7 · 09/10/2024 18:23

I would be really, really upset about his deliberate, hurtful behaviour. Your children must hear this too which is not good on so many levels. I hope you can get back on track together, if not you are better off without this poor excuse of a man.

Caramellie3 · 09/10/2024 18:22

Ex dp? He wants to be elsewhere do yourself a favour and end it. You deserve so much better. Don’t let him put you down. How dare he comment on your body negatively that is not love.

MauveExpert · 09/10/2024 18:21

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2024 15:45

@noodlewoo

He’s a good dad I can’t fault him for that and I get on with them really well

The first mark of a 'good dad' is that he treats his children's mother with respect, and with love if they're together. This man does neither. His comments were abhorrent, and honestly I think he says those things with the specific intent to hurt you because he enjoys seeing you in pain.

By any chance was your first child unplanned? Could he feel he was 'trapped'? I really hate men who feel like that because if anyone is 'trapped' by an unintended pregnancy, it's the woman.

I do think that you should get back into the job market asap and get away from him, but you know your situation better than I. So what you should do, since you have a year to go, is start NOW planning to make your exit. Start stashing money away, get some kind of training if you need it to reenter the job market at a decent wage. Start exploring resources for your child and what childcare you may need. And remember that this prick will have to pay CMS. Easy enough if he's a wage earner, but if he's self employed or could easily go cash in hand, you'll need to plan for that.

Also, and I'm sorry to say it, but a man like that is very susceptible to cheating. This is another reason why you need to stash money away, starting immediately. He's as much as said that he wouldn't be there if it weren't for DC. Believe him and plan that he may very well walk out someday. Don't be blindsided.

Seek support from family and friends. If you have ONE friend or relative that you can lean on who will keep your confidences during this 'planning time', can help you keep your 'fuck you fund' securely stashed, and who will have a sympathetic ear when you need to vent, seek them out and confide.

And investigate the lease on your place. I'm not in the UK so I know very little about social/council housing in the UK. But you want to be sure that your name is on that lease and if it is not, GET IT ADDED. You cannot be sure that this man will 'go quietly' when the time comes so you need to be educated as to what, if anything, can be done. There was a recent thread (may still be active) in which an OP found out her name wasn't on the lease and she was forced to leave.

Don't sit around hoping that the future will be better because he will never change and likely will get worse. So make your own future a better one without him. You deserve it.

I agree with this one. After years of nasty put downs, my ex husband just suddenly walked out. No warning whatsoever.
I believe men who behave like this are harbouring years of resentment, without really communicating. Then they just leave without explaining.

Clauz · 09/10/2024 18:20

Wow. Your DP is being vile and is treating you without an ounce of respect. Picking away at your self esteem and laughing at you is disgusting behaviour. I can't stress enough that you'd be fine without him. The hardest part is leaving and your life will get better and better from there. I bet if you said you wanted him gone, he'd change his tune. It sounds like he's unhappy and taking it out on you. If he says anything again, smile back at him or even laugh. Tell him if he doesn't like it, there's the door. Stay strong and don't let him bring you down.

Also my ex did this to me when he was having an affair. Not saying your situation is the same but the behaviour is a huge red flag and you deserve better.

Mmhmmn · 09/10/2024 18:19

You feel unloved OP because you are unloved by him. I doubt that a person who could say such things to his partner is capable of loving anyone.

It doesn't mean that you are unlovABLE - just that he is.

So you need to throw the rotten fish back. Read up on how to build and recover self esteem before you meet the next guy. It's not your fault, it's his, he's choosing to treat you cruelly but you'll need to have strong boundaries so you don't accept this stuff if other guys try it. I say that because I doubt he's only just started.

It starts by them seeing if they get away with a little comment, and if they do, then it escalates and gets worse and worse. Don't accept it.

Lifeomars · 09/10/2024 18:18

he does not see you as a human being, those comments are vile, talking to you as if you are a thing that needs improvement. How dare he say that about your period, does he think women like having periods or that they menstruate just to annoy men. I bet he is like this more often that not and has worn you down with constant negative remarks

lovenotwar149 · 09/10/2024 18:14

I am just going to reiterate the above...
OMG , get rid of him ...seriousy!! SERIOUSLY!

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