Things DP said to me while on holiday

So we are still young (29) and had our first DC when we were 21. While we were on holiday he said “do you wonder what our life would be like if we didn’t have children so young” now I can’t remember exactly what he said next it was either that we probably wouldn’t still be together or that we might not still be together. Then when I questioned that he said he was joking

I know you’re all right but it’s just hard to believe because I know if I have a talk with him and tell him how horrible he’s been and how he’s made me feel, he’ll tell me I’m wrong, that he’s said these things for me, he didn’t mean them in a bad way etc. That’s the fustrating thing because I know who’s right in this situation but he will switch things round on to me. I’m going to speak to him tonight and be forceful and make my feelings clear

Or, you know, a simple "fuck off twat".

I think your last paragraph explains that actually @noodlewoo doesn't need to do any of what you first suggested, she just needs to get rid.

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

So we are still young (29) and had our first DC when we were 21. While we were on holiday he said “do you wonder what our life would be like if we didn’t have children so young” now I can’t remember exactly what he said next it was either that we probably wouldn’t still be together or that we might not still be together. Then when I questioned that he said he was joking

There is a lot to unpack there. Is your relationship good usually?

I have had conversations with my husband about what path our life may have taken if we hadn't met, but that is distinctly different from asking if you would still be together if it wasn't for the kids as it implies they are the sole reason you are still together from his perspective, unless swiftly followed by confirmation that he would still hope to be in the relationship.

As to the comment about "punching" ask him to clarify what his thoughts were on that - no man that truly loves you would make any comment but "I am punching with you", if he dares to suggest its the other way around, then he is not someone who cares about you in the way you deserve.

At the very best he is being very insensitive and unnecessarily cruel. Do not allow him to minimise it, he needs to reconsider how he talks/refers to you.

Once you’ve calmed down, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Use "I" like "I feel hurt when you say that". Don't let him say you are overthinking or being too sensitive, he needs to think before he speaks about the effect his words have on you. This is on him, not you and make it clear you know that. When he says something, i.e. the punching comment, ask him what he meant and what his reply would be if you had asked that? Don't let him dodge it. Understanding the intent behind the comments can help. Clearly communicate that undermining comments are unacceptable and how it affects you and that there will be consequences if this continues.

Often, such behaviour stems from the other person’s insecurities and I would say don't take it personally, but I know it hurts and he needs to know that too.

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing because sometimes they can offer a different perspective and if his behaviour persists consider professional help i.e. couples counselling to mediate and address underlying issues.

Know your own worth, if you don't they won't. And remember that your kids are growing up in this environment and they learn by example.

There is a lot to unpack there. Is your relationship good usually?

I have had conversations with my husband about what path our life may have taken if we hadn't met, but that is distinctly different from asking if you would still be together if it wasn't for the kids as it implies they are the sole reason you are still together from his perspective, unless swiftly followed by confirmation that he would still hope to be in the relationship.

As to the comment about "punching" ask him to clarify what his thoughts were on that - no man that truly loves you would make any comment but "I am punching with you", if he dares to suggest its the other way around, then he is not someone who cares about you in the way you deserve.

At the very best he is being very insensitive and unnecessarily cruel. Do not allow him to minimise it, he needs to reconsider how he talks/refers to you.

Once you’ve calmed down, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Use "I" like "I feel hurt when you say that". Don't let him say you are overthinking or being too sensitive, he needs to think before he speaks about the effect his words have on you. This is on him, not you and make it clear you know that. When he says something, i.e. the punching comment, ask him what he meant and what his reply would be if you had asked that? Don't let him dodge it. Understanding the intent behind the comments can help. Clearly communicate that undermining comments are unacceptable and how it affects you and that there will be consequences if this continues.

Often, such behaviour stems from the other person’s insecurities and I would say don't take it personally, but I know it hurts and he needs to know that too.

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing because sometimes they can offer a different perspective and if his behaviour persists consider professional help i.e. couples counselling to mediate and address underlying issues.

Know your own worth, if you don't they won't. And remember that your kids are growing up in this environment and they learn by example.