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Original poster

Things DP said to me while on holiday

641 replies

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

OP posts:
OldScribbler · 09/10/2024 17:45

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:01

Commented on what I was wearing to the airport. He said “you could have made more of an effort. “look at all these girls wearing trendy clothes. You need to start wearing clothes like that” I mean we literally had just got to the airport to go on holiday. Not a great start

Then when we got there he continued to point out what other women were wearing. “I like those gym leggings and sets” Don’t you wish you could wear stuff like that”

Continued to remind me that when we get home I need to get back on my diet. Maybe this is where I’m being sensitive because he said “for your sake not mine”

Then he asked if he thought people would put us together. Wasn’t sure what he meant so I asked him. He said well do you think people would think either of us were punching.

I sometimes have trouble with my back where it “goes” We were on a boat trip and when it was time to get off and stand up I said ouch and told him my back had a little twinge. He said “don’t start”

Then on the morning we were due to go home I came on my period and said I was “angin” for people who don’t know what that means it basically means disgusting

I’ve come home feeling a bit shitty and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive. Seems like he possibly doesn’t find me attractive which if that’s the case then fair enough but how would this make others feel?

He seems 100% odious; my heart goes out to you.

VickyPollard25 · 09/10/2024 17:44

He is so disrespectful. You don’t have to put up with being spoken to like that.

storm2023 · 09/10/2024 17:43

I don’t normally leave comments on threads, but this really got me. For the love of god, please get rid of this vile man. Absolutely not oversensitive. He is making a concerted effort to make you “aware” that he is much better and more attractive than you, and that you are luckily to have him. He isn’t and you most certainly are not! Run and don’t look back!!

rozee83 · 09/10/2024 17:42

Literally tell him if he doesn't like your clothes/weight etc to Fuck off. I'm sure he's a fucking oil painting himself. Not. If he likes those "gym sets" to fuck off and get a woman who likes wearing them. Men like thar really wind me up. 😡

AllGoodNamesRGone · 09/10/2024 17:39

Seriously, get rid of him. He is doing nothing for your self esteem. He sounds like a total knobhead.

Doubledenim305 · 09/10/2024 17:39

If anyone ever spoke to me like that it would be the end.

Newagestage · 09/10/2024 07:29

Hes either a really horrible person who has no manners whatsoever, or an extremely manipulate person who has been strategically chipping away at your confidence for years - both are not good.

You sound defeated, leave him for a much happier life where you aren't compared to other women and you have a chance to meet someone who treats you how you deserve. Honestly don't waste another second with this disgusting person

AlertCat · 09/10/2024 06:18

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/10/2024 22:50

Don't think it's always a defence as sometimes people actually believe it.

They believe it because of the man being clever in their manipulation.
Usually, an abuser will be great with everyone else, so if you did raise concerns, you're the problem as he's such a good dad/brother/friend etc.

This is a tactic to confuse the victim.

Show quote history

So true. It’s very effective too.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/10/2024 22:50

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 18:23

He’s such a good dad is on the MN thread bingo card used as a defence to stay with a bell end - ditto he’s sweet and kind. Except for the 90% of the time he’s an abusive twat

Show quote history

Don't think it's always a defence as sometimes people actually believe it.

They believe it because of the man being clever in their manipulation.
Usually, an abuser will be great with everyone else, so if you did raise concerns, you're the problem as he's such a good dad/brother/friend etc.

This is a tactic to confuse the victim.

thequeenoftarts · 08/10/2024 22:41

You had your chance and you missed it. I'd have pushed that fecker over board accidentally on purpose

Notaflippinclue · 08/10/2024 22:37

Hope you aren't married to this tosser

TrishM80 · 08/10/2024 21:55

He sounds like one of these passive aggressive arseholes who makes snide little digs about your weight, your fashion, your looks. And then when you confront him he'll claim it's your imagination playing tricks on you!

And he mightn't even realise he's doing it, or if he does realise it, it's because he's "doing you a favour". Like you said, "it's for your benefit, not mine". Who knows how these people think!

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 19:24

Quite frankly, telling him how you feel will only cheer him up and reassure him that he has you firmly under his thumb. It will make him happy to see you upset.

It would be different if he wasn't an abusive twat. But he is abusive and a twat, so if I were you, I'd just keep a note of what he said, and not open up your heart to him. He'll just use the opportunity to hurt you more.

I wouldn't play games with him either - no sending him to his mother's to have a think. You already know how that would turn out anyway.

Call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

...and see what they can advise you wrt getting him off the tenancy and retaining your right to the house with the children.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 19:19

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 12:45

@Ivehearditbothways The house isn’t his, we rent from the council. The DC will be with me so he’d be the one going

You at least have that going for you.

The turning things around to make himself look good and confuse you about his intentions, making you feel stupid and unworthy, is called gaslighting.

It's a classic abuser tactic.

Vitriolinsanity · 08/10/2024 18:49

I'm in awe that the word you didn't say was "Cuntychops".

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/10/2024 18:24

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 09:00

I know you’re all right but it’s just hard to believe because I know if I have a talk with him and tell him how horrible he’s been and how he’s made me feel, he’ll tell me I’m wrong, that he’s said these things for me, he didn’t mean them in a bad way etc. That’s the fustrating thing because I know who’s right in this situation but he will switch things round on to me. I’m going to speak to him tonight and be forceful and make my feelings clear

This gaslighting and a typical method of abuse.

My ex would convince me he had my best interests at heart, that he was only saying these cruel things to me for my own good, that I was over reacting etc.

He would laugh/sneer if I got changed infront of him, hell he did a million things that on their own he could explain and talk me down from. But when you put them all together he was a typical abuser.

Please do some reading/research and please, please, please do not let this man diminish you.

Feel free to PM me when you’re ready.

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 18:23

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/10/2024 17:50

Oh jeez, the old "he's a good dad" trope.

He's not a good dad, a good dad would be setting himself up as a role model for his children to see how to treat people, especially their partners! He is doing the opposite.

You can't be a good dad, and an abusive creep. They are not mutually exclusive attributes..

Show quote history

He’s such a good dad is on the MN thread bingo card used as a defence to stay with a bell end - ditto he’s sweet and kind. Except for the 90% of the time he’s an abusive twat

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 18:20

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:57

@Peaceandquietandacuppa I’m reading every reply and taking into account everything everyone is saying. I just expected for people to be saying it’s my fault and that I’m being over sensitive

He has ruined your confidence.

Is there anything you can think of that would give you a boost?

Something you could do that would help you feel you were capable, strong, and worthy of praise?

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 18:15

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 07:17

Thank you everyone. You’ve made me feel better knowing it’s not me. For those who have asked, we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 DC

It will take a bit of planning and a good deal of support.

But please start focusing on getting rid of him.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 18:13

The fact that you wonder if you're being over sensitive tells me he's a nasty little man who treats you with contempt most of the time.

You have a problem here. It's him.

I hope you can develop the confidence to leave and start living again. What you're experiencing now is death by a thousand cuts.

RampantIvy · 08/10/2024 18:06

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/10/2024 17:50

Oh jeez, the old "he's a good dad" trope.

He's not a good dad, a good dad would be setting himself up as a role model for his children to see how to treat people, especially their partners! He is doing the opposite.

You can't be a good dad, and an abusive creep. They are not mutually exclusive attributes..

Show quote history

I agree with this ^^

Being a "good dad" doesn't cancel out his many faults. His faults cancel out any redeeming qualities he might have.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/10/2024 17:50

noodlewoo · 08/10/2024 14:48

@speedmop He’s a good dad I can’t fault him for that and I get on with them really well

Oh jeez, the old "he's a good dad" trope.

He's not a good dad, a good dad would be setting himself up as a role model for his children to see how to treat people, especially their partners! He is doing the opposite.

You can't be a good dad, and an abusive creep. They are not mutually exclusive attributes..

Getonwitit · 08/10/2024 17:36

Time to up your standards so get rid of him. He is not worth another moment of your life.

Bangwam1 · 08/10/2024 17:35

Once you have confirmed what he is, do not let him know that you know. The abuse increases. When you start putting boundaries in, I’m sad to say the abuse will increase too.

You cannot win by fighting with him, you can’t make him see reason. They enjoy fighting, and they absolutely love it when you beg for them to be normal and kind (like they used to be) You have to understand that the man you thought you knew never existed.

The only way to win is to cut him off completely. No texts, no calls, no presence. Starve him of your supply.

Bangwam1 · 08/10/2024 17:28

You don’t bother with yourself because of him (children will knock you too with just sheer exhaustion)

You can do a little experiment to see if I’m correct. Dress up, put makeup on, do your hair and watch his behaviour.

I can almost guarantee it won’t be what a normal persons would be (praise and admiration). He will likely purposefully ignore you to remind you of your place, or he will look at other women even more and ramp up the comments.