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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my BIL is not the boss of me?

95 replies

Tabbytab · 07/10/2024 20:09

My sister's DH is the head of their family, very traditional 1950s type marriage with DC. She treats him like he is her boss or father and he makes all the decisions. I am single no DC. When we are all together he is in charge, for example if we go to a restaurant he chooses where and when, then marches up to the table and tells everybody where to sit. This maybe made sense when their DC was small but they are older now and it's every situation even without the DC present. When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset. AIBU?

Yabu - they are the family and you are only one person so if your sis wants him to be the boss he's the boss.
Yanbu - just avoid being with them all together as much as possible and see sister and DN alone
Or...?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 07/10/2024 21:19

She’s afraid of him. He sounds controlling and abusive.

bringslight · 07/10/2024 21:18

that is bonkers. In what movie does she thinks she is and hasnt grown some thick skin by now and ditch tha b-d

twomanyfrogsinabox · 07/10/2024 21:09

Couldn't get worked up about someone organising the seating. If I wanted to sit by my sister for example I would say so. It sometimes saves everyone standing back waiting for everyone else deciding where to sit. 'Does Aunt Jane want to sit by the window, does Fred want to be next to John, Is it too draughty for you near the door.....'.

Does he pay for everyone or do you all split the bill?

Is there a more significant example of him telling you what to do?

Imfreetofeelgood · 07/10/2024 21:07

I also think your sister's reaction is worrying.

LatteLady · 07/10/2024 20:56

Have you tried glancing down at your L hand then looking him squarely in the eye and saying, "You're alright, we are not married, so I will stay where I am sitting... Wine everyone?"

You know you want to...

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 20:54

MoneyMilk · 07/10/2024 20:44

You can change your vote.

Show quote history

Done!

WhistPie · 07/10/2024 20:54

The words "Don't be so fucking stupid, Gerald" spring to mind... and sit where he wants to sit

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/10/2024 20:54

@Tabbytab wouldnt be spending any time with him at all!! if your sis wants to see your then you both go out together, he doesnt get to tag along!! he definitely isnt the boss of you or the head of your family!!

user2848502016 · 07/10/2024 20:52

He sounds dreadful, but is she terrified of him taking it out on her when they get home? 😔

TheCultureHusks · 07/10/2024 20:50

Kill BIL is a great film

StaunchMomma · 07/10/2024 20:50

I'd make a point of suggesting places to eat and sit down before being instructed. If challenged, I would calmly laugh it off and say 'I'm fine sitting here, thank you' then change the subject.

He sounds horribly controlling.

You do not have to accept it.

Rewis · 07/10/2024 20:45

Have you spoken to your sister about her relationship? Her reaction sounds like she's afraid of the consequences...

newfriend05 · 07/10/2024 20:45

DoYouReally · 07/10/2024 20:16

Was she upset or afraid?

My first thought too

MoneyMilk · 07/10/2024 20:44

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 20:33

Incorrectly voted YABU.

If your sister is happy with the dynamics leave her and her DH to it.

But you are correct, he has no right to be like that with you so keep pushing back if he tries with you. You could stay away from situations where he is.

In a restaurant, if his family is happy to sit where he says and you dont want to, there isn't much you can do about it except sit alone where you want or just not go out with them.

You can change your vote.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/10/2024 20:42

Can you give an example of her being hysterically upset?

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 20:41

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:39

Then change it to the one you want.

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I voted incorrectly.

I have been on MN for so long but didnt occur to me it could be changed. I learnt something today!

Irridescantshimmmer · 07/10/2024 20:40

He sounds patronising, rude and controling.

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:40

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:39

Then change it to the one you want.

Show quote history

Oh I didn't on this thread. But I have done on other threads.

Lavender14 · 07/10/2024 20:39

"When I tried to push back and ask BIL not to dictate to me my sister became hysterically upset"

This is not normal op... he sounds excessively controlling and it sounds like your sister is scared to rock the boat or have anyone else rock it. I'd query domestic abuse just going on her reaction.

I know other couples who are very 'stereotypical' in their marriages and while it works for them they wouldn't expect it to apply to other people. Which not only shows fear on your sisters part, but also misogyny on your BILs part that he feels entitled to extend that control to you.

I think you should try to spend as much time as possible with your sil, keep the peace with bil to make life easier for her and get her alone as much as you can and ask her if she feels safe with him and tell her you have her back always if she ever needs anything. She may tell you all is fine but I'd make sure you're laying the land that should she ever feel in danger she knows you're who to go to.

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:39

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:36

It's easy to tap on it by accident on a phone. They're right beside each other

Show quote history

Then change it to the one you want.

Roundthemoon · 07/10/2024 20:36

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:35

Who the hell voted YABU?!

It's easy to tap on it by accident on a phone. They're right beside each other

Caroparo52 · 07/10/2024 20:36

Ignore him.
You are 100% your own boss. Keep checking in on your DS though. He sounds autocratic and outdated.

FloofPaws · 07/10/2024 20:36

I'd be checking with my sister he sounds like a bully, or worse

BirthdayRainbow · 07/10/2024 20:35

Who the hell voted YABU?!