To ask if you have a successful MIL/DIL relationship…how did you do?

I have a reasonably good relationship with my MIL, as good as it can get considering she's not very involved with any of her kids/grandkids. She never interferes but I think that's more because she can't be bothered than anything else

That last sentence is key I think. So many people in in-law relationships seem to instantly assume the worst of each other. That certainly evident in some threads on Mumsnet.

I think text messaging doesn't help either, as it's very easy to read the person's message in an entirely different tone from the one in which it was sent, if you want to think badly if someone.

I always got on very, very well with my MIL, who is sadly no longer with us.

I think in part I may have her MIL to thank for this. According to DH his paternal grandmother was a bit of a domineering woman and quite interfering and MIL tried hard not to be like her as a MIL!

One story I remember her telling was how one day when DH was a baby, her MIL dropped in unexpectedly bringing several of her cronies to see the grandson. As a new mum MIL had been having one of those days when the flat was a bit untidy and nappies were drying everywhere and she felt put on the spot and judged by all these older women.

As a result, she and FIL always had a rule that they would never just drop in on any of their adult DC without checking first.

Ironically this did not go down well with one of her other DILs who came from a family who were always dropping in on each other. She thought MIL and FIL stand-offish for only calling in by arrangement. Personally I found it considerate.

To me she seemed always supportive but never interfering.

My in laws are amazing, my MIL is like a second mum to me. We even lived with my in laws for 18 months after we got married to save for a house deposit and it was great.

I think respect is key, MIL has never overstepped with me, she is laid back and has her own life but is also hands on and helpful in a non domineering way. I in turn, check in on her a lot, see her several times a week and always include her in family things if she’s around. She’s easy to talk to, fun, kind, caring and just generally all round lovely person. She’s amazing with the DC and they adore her. She treats her son, my DH as an adult with his own life and family and not her possession, meaning she doesn’t feel the need to compete with me for his attention. She and FIL have done so much for us that I can’t praise them highly enough.

I treat my DIL as I do my daughters. I've made it clear I will support them in any way they need, respect their lifestyle/parenting choices and take the lead in our relationship from them. I've also been very lucky that my DIL has actively sought a close relationship with me. She's been in my life for fifteen years, I love her dearly and we enjoy each other's company. We also bond over our shared love of my DS and the DGC. I count myself very lucky.

My MIL made me feel very welcome from the first time I met her. We had a fantastic relationship. She never viewed me as someone who stole her son because DH had already moved away from where he grew up. She told me that she felt like she had gained a daughter.

My MIL died from over ten years ago and I miss her a lot. She was wonderful.

My DDIL is a wonderful woman and my DS is a very lucky man, I taught my DS to share household responsibilities and I think my DDIL appreciates that. I try not to offer advice about anything, but my DDIL is so sweet and she does ask my advice about household things now they have bought their first home. I’m so lucky because if DS is busy on the weekend and DDIL doesn’t have friends over, I will call and ask her out for lunch and she always says yes. They are both in their mid 20’s and met at 16, so I have known her since she was a teenager.

Have a good relationship with my mil. She doesn't interfere. We assume the best of each other and overlook small differences.

I struck gold. My MIL was a wonderful person, and every person who ever knew her would agree. She (and FIL) welcomed me into the family right from the off, and the only instruction they ever gave me, was to treat their home as my own.

MIL was the most accepting person I've known, and treated everyone she met with nothing but kindness. She never once interfered in our lives or in our parenting, and adored her grandchildren.

I remember at the end of one visit (they lived quite a long way from us) as we hugged goodbye, she said in my ear "I love you". And I glowed for days.

I lost my husband 14 years ago, and my MIL two years ago. But every single person in my in-law family sees me as one of them. DH's cousins refer to me as their cousin, and my SIL and I are very close.

I'm a MIL only to men, so I've never been tested! But I still try to treat them in the same way that my MIL and FIL treated me.

My MIL is fine, she’s a bit conservative and we wouldn’t be hanging together otherwise, but I ignore her madder ideas, thank her for the non-mad advice even if I didn’t ask for it, appreciate that she’s a good grandma, and if in doubt - get her squiffy! she loves her a sweet wine. I also really appreciate that she doesn’t seem to give a stuff that her DD married a woman. She’s from a religious background, conservative country so it’s a big deal that the in laws have always been accepting.
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I think I’ve always loved the way she loved my children. My own Mum died when my children were very young and so having someone else who adored them was lovely. She also came and helped me after the birth of all of my children for a week and I’ve always been so thankful for that (my Mum was either very very ill or had died by then). That week she pampered me - did all the washing, took the baby in the morning as soon as the first feed was done and had me sleep, made me lunch, picked up older children from school - just gave me a good rest. I remember her coming to wake me for the baby’s feed and being so sorry that she had to. It gave me the boost I needed before being on my own with them all. Her and my FIL lived 5-6 hours away so they weren’t able to help regularly of course but that was a special time. Her and FIL also were always up for a day out at a children’s farm or similar - although they must have gone to different ones in the local area many time across the grandchildren when we visited.
I don’t think MIL always agreed with what I did with the children, but she never told me so. I’ve thought about that for when my own children have children - must remember to do the same!

This....

MIL and I probably shouldn't get along because we are polar opposites!

She's a homemaker, loves being a housewife/SAHM and is very caring by nature.

I'm a career woman and couldn't imagine doing a caregiver type role or being a SAHM.

We even have opposing political views although there are some societal things we do agree on.

But we get on like a house on fire and she's been in my life for 27 years - I cannot imagine life without her. We have our own relationship separate to DH, I often pop in for a cuppa and a chat and don't even tell him 😂

My MIL lives overseas. She’s great.
From the start, she welcomed me in, treated me like family. The first time I met her I stayed in her house for a fortnight and it could have been awkward but it wasn’t.

When I fell pregnant we had conversations about when she might want to come and stay. I figured she’d want to meet the baby immediately so (naively) said she should plan to come and stay when the baby was a couple of weeks old. Her response was ‘no. You need time to get used to being a mum and being a family.’ She came when DD was 4 months. That was perfect - we had our routine, she fitted in with it. DD was interacting more so she got proper playtime with her. I was settled and felt happy with what I was doing and not worried about just keeping the baby alive (!!!) so felt happy leaving DD alone with her for a while. She was right - turning up at 2 weeks would have been stressful for everyone but in the event I remember that month she stayed as being happy for all of us.

I don’t always agree with her but she’s a very kind person who loves my kids even though she doesn’t see them often, and loves to spoil them when she does. We are both willing to overlook it when we annoy each other because we do care about each other and the bigger picture is more important.

This is a heart warming thread.

I have a very difficult relationship with mine, she is a very awkward person (acknowledged by everyone so I know it's not me!) and revels a bit in being a classic MIL over bearer.

I only have a son so this thread has given me great hope of a good relationship with a DIL one day!

I keep my opinions to my self unless asked and don't call round unless invited . In short I just let them get on with it . They know where I am if they need me ,

Aw what a lovely thread!

I’m not a MIL yet but I love my DS’s GF, I think of her as another dd. She was lovely from the first time I met her. Equally I respect their life, home and would never overstep or interfere. I’m a VERY judgy person but I keep it totally zipped when it comes to their decisions, in fact it never even occurs me to have an opinion as it’s none of my business (other than being supportive). I would be heartbroken if they ever split up.

Precisely my approach with DIL.

My MIL saved my life, so there's that 🤣

Apart from that, she is an inherently good person. We have clashed over some things but neither of us is backwards in coming forwards so we figure it out.

I've had to set boundaries over some things in my home, which she doesn't fully understand but she respects. In turn, I respect her more for respecting my boundaries even though I know she thinks they're batshit!

Ultimately I know she wants the best for me, independently of wanting the best for her son.

I have a DIL, we have a good relationship, I hope she loves me as much as I love her. She is the woman my son loves, they are so well suited.
I have a son in law, he is a good man! My daughter got one of the good ones!
Other sons ex..well that's a thread on its own! 🤣

I adore my mil. She's the most amazing woman. Supportive and kind.

I utterly adored MIL. She passed 5 years ago and not a day goes where I don't miss her.

What made it successful? Well I was inlaw no 4 on the scene so she was well "driven in" and I suspect had made some mistakes with bils first wife abd perhaps also his 2nd.. she was not close with sils dh but they got on sort of ok.

She didn't offer not asked for advice.
She might ask if I would like her opinion but didn't just give it.
She didn't judge my "strange foreign (Scandinavian) ways. Just embraced them and took part.
She didn't force a relationship just allowed it to build.
She never criticised me as a mother in fact I recall once. Meeting 3 of her friends one said "ahh you are enko mil is always telling us what a fantastic mother you are" with the other two nodding. Taught me she spoke positively of me when I was not there.
She loved on my children just adored them (and her other 4 grandchildren)
She had a wonderful sense of humour.

She could tolerate me and dh at times not being in agreement and didn't always go down on dhs side.
She was good company..
She loved me for me..

And im in tears writing this as ohh I miss that wonderful woman.

Assuming neither one of you is a difficult personality type (in which case it might never work well and the best you can do is respectful distance), I think it's usually just a matter of the MIL not overstepping and thinking she can impose (or loudly declare in a way that suggests they're right) her ideas on wedding, housekeeping, child-rearing etc. Just respect it's their wedding/house/baby so entirely their choice.

MIL never judged any of the things I did, gave her love and trust even before getting to know me, doted over her grandchildren while respecting our parenting & rules. She kept herself busy after retirement trying to help other people in the community through volunteering with charities and similar activities.

She was an amazing woman, like a second mother to me, and not a day goes by in which I don’t think of her and miss her presence.
I think the biggest thing is that I always knew I could be myself and she would accept me, instead of trying to mould me into what she thought was right or best for her son.

I really value that my MIL is honest in a clear, up-front yet polite way. If she says she is happy to help out with DC, she means it and follows through. If she doesn't feel up to doing something, she lets me know right away - she doesn't make up some excuse about being busy or pretend to be ok with something when she clearly isn't but just says 'no, that's too much / I don't feel like it'. She says she needs help if she really needs help. If she thinks I might be making a mistake, she will tell me, but in a way that doesn't seem overbearing - more like a gentle suggestion (and she isn't offended if I don't take her advice).

She doesn't pretend to be perfect but doesn't put herself down unnecessarily either. She seems to have a balanced view of herself and sees that she has valuable insights to offer but is also fallible.

She's lovely but takes no bullshit, and that inspires me to try to be the same way.