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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

183 replies

Smallwhitebutterfly · 07/10/2024 18:43

My dad had a massive stroke. We were in hospital for a few days before a palliative care nurse came to see us for the first time. I asked her to describe the signs when someone is dying - she said sometimes they frown if they're in pain and their breathing becomes erratic. Just as she was saying that my dad started to pause for a few seconds while breathing. We told her he had been breathing regularly before that. And she did say that was a sign he was deteriorating. Then he did this big grimace after being completely unresponsive and not moving his face at all for the past few days. We asked her about it and she said it looked like he needed to cough. But she didn't say this is it, it's happening, he's dying right now. She kept chatting to us about what the palliative care team did and gave us her contact details. Because she made it seem like this wasn't his final moments I popped out to the loo quickly. When I got back my dad had stopped breathing. Thinking I had missed his last breath I rushed to his side to tell him I loved him and he gave the tiniest gasp and didn't breathe again. AIBU to be angry that this woman experienced in death who didn't realise his final moments were happening and stole precious minutes we could have been speaking to him as a family? And also that it made me question whether I was actually there for the last breath? (I realise some of this anger may be misplaced grief...)

OP posts:
Caffeineismydrug35 · 07/10/2024 18:51

I understand how you feel but I do think your anger is misplaced. When my precious dad was dying, one doctor said he has months, a palliative nurse said a few days and then another palliative nurse said a day or so. I went home to see my kids (I’d been at my parents for a week) thinking I’ll stay again the next day. He died within hours and I was utterly heartbroken. My mum said he gasped and then died so it does sound like you were there for his last breath. I don’t think they can know 100% no matter how many times they’ve seen it. I hope you have a supportive network. I’m sorry for your loss OP. Be kind to yourself.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 07/10/2024 18:51

I’m so sorry about your Dad.
It isn’t an exact science, my Dad died in hospice in July and all the staff were lovely but didn’t seem to be able to predict exactly when he would go.
We were told it was imminent on Saturday morning and he didn’t go until Sunday afternoon. They also often hang on until you leave the room so he may have done that.
It sounds like it was peaceful and he would have known you were there close by.

rubyslippers · 07/10/2024 18:50

I’m so sorry for your terrible loss
end of life is not linear or predictable
you were with your dad at the end
take comfort in that
of course you’re angry - that’s part of grief
take time to process what’s happened
you were with him over the final days and moments
💐

Workingtosurvivenotthrive · 07/10/2024 18:50

I think, kindly, it's misplaced grief. I am so sorry for your loss. Death can looks lots of different ways and go on for quite some time or be quick as seems to have been the case with your dad. She probably wouldn't have known and with giving her details etc it seems perhaps it was expected it would be a while longer. Perhaps you could try to focus your memories of him in the time before he sadly had the stroke, might that help a little? I am so sorry, I hope you are as ok as you can be at this time.

Yorkshiredolls · 07/10/2024 18:50

Im so sorry for your loss. Im not a palliative care nurse but I am an experienced nurse. Its really difficult to predict and call.sometimes people can be in this state for hours and sometimes days. Maybe it would have been better if she explained that to you. Perhaps palliative care nurses may be a little better predicting than me but sometimes the ones we anticipate to die very shortly can actually hang on for days and others where you think you have time go quickly. It happened with my family member. I thought we’d have several hours with him so I went home to get some clean clothes and while I was gone, within an hour, he died. Once again, so sorry for your loss.

Hiyawotcha · 07/10/2024 18:49

Agree with above - again so sorry for you. It’s a horrible stressful and upsetting time.
But I think it’s too much to expect even a trained nurse to be able to be spot on with whether death is imminent. I think things vary and some parts of dying can go fast and others slow, stalling and no change.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/10/2024 18:48

Sorry about your dad, no one can predict an exact time, he knew you were there with him.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 07/10/2024 18:46

YABU, sorry for your loss. Nobody can predict the moment itself you were given the info you wanted and the nurse did her best. Death is shit but your Dad is out of pain. Nothing could have stopped that. Time to reflect on the good parts of life and plan the arrangements.