AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

Very sorry for your loss what a horrible senario to experience I would be wanting some answers too

Agree with most pps but more importantly, I am so sorry.

Please be easy on yourself, I know things will be very raw for you at the moment. As it happens, I wasn’t there when DM died (had to go back home, which was a 2 hour drive away). Ten years later, I’m at peace with that. I said my goodbyes the day before in one of her last moments of lucid consciousness and that’s enough. You were there as much as you could be and your dad knew he was loved and supported by you.

And yes, I agree with PP who say people often wait until relatives leave before they finally died. DM died just after my dad popped out to pick some things up from Sainsbury’s.

I'm really sorry you're going through this but I also agree it isn't the nurse's fault. My mother-in-law did that stopping breathing thing for about two weeks before she actually died - at first we were all watching anxiously and holding our own breath every time but you can't do that for two weeks. We had someone sitting with her 24/7 but in the end she died about 6 am when my husband had left to go to the toilet after sitting up all night with her.

My mum also told me it's very common for people to skip away when they're alone.

What matters is that you were there in general for your father. Clearly you loved him and wanted to be there for him and I'm sure he knew this.

Sorry for your loss, experienced nurse here you can never tell when death is coming I am afraid - my own Dad took small breaths for about 3 hours before he passed away. He would take a breath, mum would look at me and we would wait - we would believe that was it, then he would breathe again. It is so difficult to predict - people can deteriorate. seem to improve and deteriorate again x

Dr here - sorry for your loss, but you're being unreasonable.
People die suddenly, people die slowly, we can't predict it. From personal experience my grandfather died slowly over 24 hours, the moment my grandmother went into the kitchen having literally not left his side, he took his final breath.

I am sorry for your loss. All the nurses can do is give you the benefit of their training and what you described is textbook from the courses.

Your reaction is completely normal, we naturally are angry, we want to know there is blame why we weren't there.

They reality is sadly the passing could have been anytime.

I believe people in these situations choose their moment to pass. A friend’s mother was in a coma overseas for weeks and weeks and passed within hours of her arriving at her bedside - I don’t know if she was physically at her side at the moment she passed, I didn’t ask and she didn’t say. However, it was almost like she was holding on for her to arrive.
Others wait to be alone.

It’s only a belief, I can’t prove it, but I hope it brings you comfort.

She did nothing wrong. You’re looking for someone to blame and be angry with because you can’t just be angry at death, lots of people have that reaction. But… there really isn’t anyone to be angry at. That nurse did nothing wrong, she didn’t know. You just have to let yourself go through the grief process and forgive yourself for not being there the way you wanted to be. He knew you were in the room. That’s better than it could have been.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

my auntie was in palliative care and told 24-48 hours. She battled for 11 months. It’s hard to really know x

Sorry for your loss and I understand you are in pain but I think if you’re honest with yourself you will realise no one can predict the exact moment someone will die.

I am so sorry, Smallwhitebutterfly.

The nurse did nothing wrong. The precise time of death cannot be predicted. People can show signs of dying on and off for a couple of weeks at least. My mother-in-law did for about four weeks, she had Cheyne-Stokes a lot of that time.

At least you were with your dad at the very end. Many people cannot be, they might be driving to be with them but arrive too late or even in another country. You were with him to the end. Take some comfort from that and he is at peace now.

You take care of yourself.

This. I’ve known two people in close family who have waited just until their loved-one who had been there for days straight had popped home for a quick change.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry you lost your dad like this but as a nurse for 45 years it really isn't always possible to predict an imminent death.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it takes us all by surprise.
It is however quite normal to feel angry about it and the staff.
A dear friend of mine aged 45 some years ago who had terminal cancer was sitting bolt upright in bed doing yoga and meditation and we were all chatting around him when we suddenly realised our friend wasn't breathing any more. He had died without anyone realising.

Sorry but Yabu

Im so sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself. As others have said it is impossible to know when those last minutes will come. I went to visit my grandad the nurse on the desk said he is doing well just ate all of his lunch she had just taken the tray away. I walked in and he had died. Poor nurse was horrified. He had been stable and just eaten all his lunch. It was just his time. I couldnt be angry with her or him. He was peaceful and well cared for that was all i could ask for.
Having worked for the nhs for 25 years I have often witnessed patients passing just after family leave it is very common. I have also seen patients who I'm certain won't be there on my next shift rally and make it home. None of us can predict when anyone will take their last breath. It sounds like he went peacefully and knew he was loved.

Ditto. You are a caring, devoted daughter

I am sorry for your loss.

Mil was in a terminal state. GP said it could be imminent.
McMillan nurse thought it was soon.
A health care assistant who had been in that role for over
40 years gave mil a few days. This was on a Monday.
Mil died on the Thursday.
DH had stepped out of the room to use the loo.

YABVU.

I know it sounds really crazy but I often found patients died when their relatives went to the canteen or popped home often after days of a bedside vigil. Over my 18 years as a nurse I experienced it dozens of times. It was almost as if they didn’t want their relatives to suffer. I’m so sorry for your loss.

sorry for your loss.

yabu
dying is not as predictable as that. it can take days/weeks/months...
and sometimes dying people 'wait' for loved ones absence to peacefully let go.

I am very sorry for your loss op.

If it’s any consolation, many parents die when their adult children, who have been with them for hours, choose to step out of the room briefly. So your circumstances may not have been much different even if you had been able to be there for longer.

As others have said, death can be very unpredictable and it sounds like this nurse had only just met your dad a little time before he died. I’m sorry she wasn’t able to give you more forewarning as it always comes as a huge shock when it happens, even in quite dire circumstances.

Also, I say this very gently, as you will be feeling very raw right now, but perhaps in time you will come to feel a sense of relief that your dad didn’t linger and suffer a long time prior to his death. And that you were able to be with him in his final days.

Sending strength 💐

My dad died while I was out of the room trying to contact the terrible mcmilllan nurse we had. I had been gone 2 minutes.

People often die when relatives leave the room. He knew you were there though.

We were told on the Sunday afternoon that my Dad would probably die that night. I stayed up all night but nothing happened. He kept going for another 6 days. Mum and I had to go and get some sleep at times, we couldn't be there 24/7.

On the following Saturday the ward nurses said they thought he would last another couple of days. So Mum and I decided we'd head home for the evening. My Dad then died just before we got our stuff together to leave. If he'd hung on for another 15 minutes we would have missed being with him when he died.

It's really hard for the staff to tell. And to us, he didn't look any different for the three days before he died to the day he actually died.

I'm really sorry you lost your dad, but it sounds like he was being cared for and died peacefully.