AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

I don't know if it helps, but sometimes people who are dying seem to wait until they're alone before they go. I think some people want that, to be given privacy to die.

It's horrible to feel that you didn't get to say goodbye properly.

You couldn't of known, if experienced nurses/doctors can't predict it you couldn't of knows. Death, like Birth is unpredictable. What matters is that you were there before and when it happened and he knew you loved him. Please go easy on yourself and remember alot of the anger and bargaining is completely normal reactions to grief. Allow yourself to grieve but don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts that are negative towards yourself, you done all you could and you were there.

OP - it is really quite well documented that very often, a dying person will wait till loved ones have left the room and then die. This is quite possibly what happened in your case.
It really is very hard to predict - my relative was given a few days and kept going for nearly 6 weeks, pretty much unconscious the whole time.
My mother was expected to live months and died in days. It’s very individual. Sorry for your loss, hope you can find some peace.

Sorry for your loss. I agree with the others here, and having been with my dad when he died last year I felt it all - I replayed and replayed every single second of it, questioned everything that happened or could have happened. Including anger at everyone, guilt, the lot. I really, really recommend Cruise Bereavement counselling if you need it. Best wishes x

Hearing is one of the last things to go. He heard you and was comforted by it.

He knew you were there (apart from the brief toilet trip), he would have heard your voice. I’ve read a few times that sometimes our loved ones seem to wait until their family have left the room to take their last breath. I’m sure he knew you loved him. Sorry for your loss 🌺

Consciousness continues for a while after the last breath, so your dad likely knew you were there with him.

It sounds like your dad held on until you were there because you were important to him, I hope you can take comfort from that and be glad you were there and did all
the right things.

I’m sorry for your loss. I experienced something similar with my beloved father, nurses saying he wasn’t ill enough for hospice then he died 3 days later without us being there.
I’ve since done a lot of reading around death and dying and have read that frequently the dying wait until loved ones are not there before they pass.
It took me 7 years before I could look at a photo of my father without crying, now I can look and smile at the good times and I hope you reach that stage sooner than I did. Sending love x

Death is so strange.

Sometimes our loved ones cling on, and wait until we're not there to let go.

This wasn't the palliative nurses fault.

It took days for my grandad to go, he kept looking like these were the moments then rallying and so on.

If your dad was made as comfortable as he could be in his final moments then I don't think there's anything to complain about.

You loved him and he loved you.

Be angry. My dad died a year ago aged 74, I'm angry. Angry that we didn't have more hours/days/months/years together. Be as angry as you like. However don't be AT ALL angry at the nurse. She didn't know. My dad's last moment looked the same as every other moment for maybe 48 hours. If she'd said - it could be, then you wouldn't have gone, but how long for? I doubt you could have held it in for hours or days... I'm so so sorry for your loss. Also, years before my dad died, I worked at a hospice and sometimes people seem to know when NOT to died in front of a loved one... strange when they are so near gone... but maybe he was in some way waiting for you to need a wee!

I really recommend the podcast Griefcast. You'll see there's really no 'perfect death' and many people's parents die when they've just left the room for a moment. I found it really comforting when my mum died alone and I felt so angry that no one had been with her. It helps to hear other experiences.
So sorry for your loss. It is an indescribable feeling of realising that one moment they were there, and the next, they were gone.

There's a lot of anecdotal evidence that parents wait for their adult children to leave the room, but they never show you that in the movies so people don't expect it. Don't beat yourself up x

Sorry for your loss. It’s definitely misplaced anger though, she hasn’t done anything wrong

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

Be kinder to yourself, it's ok ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss, whilst there are signs that indicate someone is actively dying they don't know exactly when it is going to happen. When my mum was in hospice last year I called the nurse in and said her breathing changed now, she said this could be a sign the end is near or she could continue on like this for a few more days. As it happened, it was 20 mins later. Anger is a stage of grief and sometimes we misdirect it. You were there and that's the most important thing, sorry again for your loss.

i am so sorry
yours is a natural response.

Answers for what? Death is unpredictable, no nurse or doctor can give an exact time of when it's going to happen unfortunately. Sometimes it seems like minutes away but people can hang on for days.

So sorry for your loss OP. You were there with your dad for his final hours of his life, he would have known how he was loved.

Of course you’re angry it’s part of grief as lots have said, I was angry with everyone when my dad died suddenly, people crossing the road, people being happy, hoppy people (how dare they), sad people (they had nothing to be sad about).

it’s a process and will pass.

I’m so so sorry for your loss but kindly, YABU.

I lost both my Dad and Grandma this year, my grandma was on end of life care for weeks, my Dad, 2 days. It’s impossible to know exactly when it is going to happen

My loved one died when I wasn't there too.

A nurse said to me that sometimes they wait until they are by themselves before they depart so as not to upset those around them.

I think that's true. I think they see loved ones and just go to them. So maybe it's the loved ones on the other side to arrange the timing.

It's good he didn't linger. He knows how much you love him.

I’m sorry for your loss.

agree that death is very unpredictable. The hospital rang me every day for two weeks, often at 3am saying come now, this is it. Two weeks later she was sat up in bed eating toast. All in all she lived another month. I was a wreck. They do their best.

I asked a hospice nurse about my dad and she thought he had a week or so to live but he died that night so every patient is an individual ...I am so sorry for your loss ...think of all your happy memories of your father xxxx