AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

I agree with everyone.

My relative did that stop/start breathing for two days. Everyone in the hospice thought he was dying as in would be gone within an hour or two. He didn't, and it kept going for ages. They were sure he was doing the gasping, but it went on.

I'm so sorry, OP, it's very upsetting. The nurse could not have predicted the moment of death though, it sounds like it was minutes, though, whereas it can be days like that.

Firstly, I am sorry that you beloved dad has died, it is tough. As others have said it is really difficult to gauge when the moment of death will be, patients can be absolute buggers, sometimes they will hang around and others will slip away almost without you noticing.

Most common though, is waiting until friends and family are out of the room... my mum did that to my sister, then in turn, my sister did it to me. However, the thing to remember is that they will have known you were there for them, just know that they will have known that you have been there and that is why they were able to slip away.

Each death is different, like our lives, being there when they are able to go will never compare with being with them throughout their lives, laughing, loving and feeling loved by them. Let this go and focus on making them proud by how you live your life.

I'm so sorry about your dad OP.

My dad died recently and they were expecting him to go quickly but it was over a few days. The Dr said to me that people do often wait until they are alone, particularly parents when their children are beside them, a bit like the last protective act they can manage.
He knew you were there, that's what matters.

I am sorry for your loss OP

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But you cannot predict these things.

The day my mum died my dad said the hospice care team said she could go on like that for a few days. The call was 4.30pm.

I was going to see her next day.

He rang at 7pm to say she'd died.

It's also well documented people often die when you leave the room. It's like they hold on until you won't see their suffering.

Remember your dad for who he was to you. Anger is part of grief.

I'd been at my mother's bedside in hospital for two days, without sleeping. She had COPD. The doctor had been round and talked to me about her being transferred to a nursing home for her last days. He told me she wouldn't live for very long. But it sounded to me like days,or even weeks. I was exhausted and the nurses offered me an empty side room to have a couple of hours sleep. They woke me up an hour later to say she'd gone. One nurse sat with me and explained that me sitting by her side was what kept her hanging on. The moment I'd gone, she went.

That brought huge feelings of guilt. If I hadn't have gone for a sleep, she wouldn't have died. I should have stayed awake, and waited, and been there.
But I was weak and exhausted and emotionally drained. I thought a couple of hours sleep would see me through for what tomorrow might bring.. But she died while I slept. Massive guilt for a long time. I was there for her last hours, but not her last minutes. I was in the next room. I thought I would wake up a bit refreshed to hold her hand through it. But my human weakness made me grab that chance of some sleep. I thought she had longer. They gave me to understand that it was days not hours. I felt ok with needing sleep. to get me through the following day. I thought I could be more support if I had some rest.

It never occurred to me to blame anyone. Not the doctor or the nurses. They obviously expected her to go on for a few days at least. It wasn't their fault. They just cannot know when someone will die. However experienced they are, they just really cannot know.

Just as an addition, my father had a heart attack at 65 years old, Nowadays, he might have a fighting chance, but 40 years ago people were much more stoic and didn't have cars to drive to A&E , there was no 111 and people were reluctant to 'bother the doctor'. even if you had a telephone which a lot of people didn't it wasn't easy if you had a shared line. You would have to knock up the neighbours who you knew had a phone,.
So he suffered an agonising heart attack overnight, got ambulanced to hospital next morning and died within minutes of getting there. No time for clotbuster treatment.

I. maybe unfairly, blame my mother for that. She said he forbade her getting a doctor to visit that night. Personally I would have called and ambulance myself.
Immediately.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I think it sounds like an incredibly distressing moment for all of you especially if you thought you had some more time but ultimately I don't think nurses are always going to be able to tell the exact moment.

I think your feelings are understandable even if they are a bit misplaced because you wanted more time with him. For what it's worth from what you've said I think you made it just in time and I'm really glad you were by his side. 💐

Be gentle with yourself - grief is not a rational thing nor linear and it'll be different for each of your family. It will be something you gradually grow around and you'll carry a part of him with you always. I think your dad will have known you were there and I imagine that will have given him immense comfort.

So sorry you went through that.

My mum died last year and I know this will sound silly, but it was nothing like you see on TV or films. It's much more mundane and unpredictable.

I'm one year on and still not sure how I feel about what happened. Be kind to yourself it will be very raw to start with.

I can only echo what most have said here. No matter how experienced you are, you can’t predict the end. My late DH slipped away peacefully after being taken off a ventilator - he collapsed when a previously undiagnosed lung cancer went critical. Never regained consciousness. We were left in peace by the ITU staff to be with him in the hours before he died - they pulled all the monitoring equipment behind the curtain around his bed so we wouldn’t be distracted by it, and kept watch from there. It was only when he stopped breathing that the nurse came in and said the monitors indicated he had passed. His facial expression never changed throughout. I appreciate that you’re angry, but there really is no way to know. I’m very sorry for your loss.

She has not done anything wrong.

There's no way that the nurse could know for sure when someone is exactly going to die.

I'm sorry for your loss.

it’s impossible to know, someone could go days / weeks with those signs. My friends mum lived 3 days after the death rattle began. None of us were with my dad in the end, despite 3 times being told this is it, then he improved. In the end he died when we were all asleep. I console myself with the fact that he wouldn’t have wanted us all sitting there watching him.

I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately there is no way she could have known, even with her job role. I can see how the circumstances surrounding his final moments must feel unfair to you and I'm sorry this happened, but it isn't her fault.

I’m so sorry. It’s hard to think you’ve been robbed of their final moments. I’ve been doing a similar job for over 30 years and I still don’t always get it right. Along with others, I know of so may who take their last breaths just as their loved ones pop out. I don’t know if it’s something akin to animals choosing to slink off and die somewhere alone. Who knows? What I do know is I was with my mum when she died too young (she was taken off life support so it was predictable) and my thoughts are still that she wouldn’t have wanted me to witness it. Lots of love to you.

No palliative care nurse is going to tell you not to go to the bathroom! Some people stay in the ‘any time now’ stage for days, there is really no way of knowing ahead in terms of minutes.
The nurse didn’t rob you of anything, you’re understandably all over the place emotionally but it’s misdirected as anger towards this woman.

He knew you were there at the end, knew he was loved and would have took comfort from that.
I'm a nurse, and have witnessed dying many times and even I was out of the room when my dad went, 10 minutes earlier he had been chatting and laughing then said he was tired and needed a lie down, I was out of the room to let him rest when he passed. But ultimately I was with him his whole life, shared good, bad, and happy times, celebrated successes, and commiserated losses. In the grand scheme of life those are the times that matter.

Yes you should. Bereavement is bloody hard, and you have to be kind to yourself. You did the best you could.

Firstly, I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved father. I understand though that even after a person’s last breath their consciousness remains for some time as the brain doesn’t shut down as soon as the last breath is taken. Please be assured you were there for him at the end xx

My dad died alone. I asked was he close to the end, was told he was being moved to palliative care but he wasn’t showing any signs that death was going to happen too soon, we were told weeks more than days.
I’d asked because I thought he was showing some signs. I allowed myself to be told I was wrong. We went home and I was called at 8am the next morning to say he’d died.
I was angry at first but soon realised there was no point. He died alone and nothing will ever change that.
so I focus on his life, what he meant to me and how fucking lucky I was to have such a remarkable human as my dad.
He died 2 years ago, so give yourself time. But please don’t hold onto anger, it takes up room where live and joy can live.
I’m so sorry you lost your dad. Sending you lots of love.

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s so hard to lose someone you love so much.

I hope this makes you feel better - when my Grandad died, our family all spent time with him. I was the last one to be with him and I left. On my way out I decided to go back for just another minute and then set off home. He apparently died minutes after I left and the nurse who was looking after him said she had seen this happen many times. I like to think he’d said his goodbyes and wanted to go on his own.

I am sorry for your loss but it is almost impossible to know when someone is going to die. I was called 4 times and told my relative was in his final hours, each time his condition improved. Eventually I was called again and told he was very close to death. I rushed to the hospice thinking I might not make it and sat there for 9 hours before he passed.

Yes, my MIL mother waited until she left the room before passing away.

OP, the nurse or a doctor would not know when your father would die. Its unfair to blame the nurse.

I am going though this today, my Dad has gone into a hospice today he has had prostrate cancer for 17 years. Now he has sepsis. I hope for my dad’s sake he passes as quickly as yours did. Most of us in our family are nurses but we know what death is, but my mom was struggling with pain relief at home, think it is a good move. Think look at this from a different angle. How quickly & painlessly he passed. No one can see the future or predict death.

People usually wait for their loved ones to leave when they pass. It's very common, even dogs do it.