AIBU to be absolutely livid with this palliative nurse?

Maybe I am emotional as my dad died last night, thanks for support.

When I volunteered in a hospice we were told that dying people often wait until the relations pop to the loo, get something to eat, get some fresh air, and then die while they are alone. My friend died as her husband stood up to take a tray from the woman bringing his supper.

Very sorry for your loss. I would consider that the nurse had the best interests of the family at heart at the time. It doesn’t sound like she knew your dad prior to this meeting or was familiar with how he had been presenting previously to notice a difference in him iyswim. I’m sure she would be upset to know how you are feeling and that her intentions were not for you to feel like this, probably the opposite.

Which is a good thing.

This. I know that nurses (and other HCP's) are (or at least were, I am retired now) taught about bereavement and grief and how it manifests itself and coping strategies for dealing with the aftermath of it when it is projected onto them.

And stop generalising women and nurses!
They’re individuals and not all have the same temperaments.

By any means!

Well sorry but you’re like everyone else in the world! You’re going to get negative comments sometimes, but if the following 100 comments (like on this thread), don’t convince you that the original comment was I haste, then you need to think about why not.

you think that if a chef gets a bad comment about one meal in 100 he’s going to leave his profession?

I have admiration for your profession, but sometimes people are going to get it wrong and sometimes you are going to get it wrong.

Not all nurses are angels!

So sorry for your pain. Losing your dad is so hard.

It's very difficult for nurses or medics to be able to tell when someone is ready to die at the exact time. They just won't give you a time frame. It's too risky.

My mum died of pancreatic cancer and she was unconscious for four days before she died. The nurses would absolutely not give me any time frame of when to expect her passing because they simply couldn't say and did not want to held to their prediction.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear dad. Unfortunately the nurse wouldn't necessarily be able to predict the exact moment of death. Nobody can do that, no matter how experienced.
It's just in unfortunate coincidence you went to the bathroom briefly at that moment.
It's terrible to feel you lost a precious moment with him but blaming the nurse is somewhat unfair.
I hope you can seek bereavement counselling, and have plenty of support at this difficult time. X

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

They can't predict it. My dad was 'holding on' for a lot longer than the palliative team thought. Each day they told us they thought this was the day. It was tough, as we just wanted it to end, for his sake.

I would like to think that any nurse reading this thread would read the whole thing and see how much compassion the OP was shown by posters, which gave her a better understanding. Her very first post says "(I realise some of this anger may be misplaced grief...)" so even in the midst of her immediate grief and feelings of anger she was able to recognise that.

So, one negative comment made by someone who is utterly distraught at their dead father's bedside would be enough to make a nurse leave their role? I stand by the comment I made way back - I don't think that nurse is cut out for that position.

but nurses/midwives are even more sensitive to the fact they may have hurt someone’s feelings. are they? I would have thought many develop quite a hard skin and recognise that the words coming out of someone's mouth might be from fear, confusion, anger, mental illness. I am not minimising the obvious outright rudeness and abuse staff receive, but OP was not doing that.

Nurses are carers we take comments to heart, all the postive comments in the world doesn’t cancel out the one negative comment. I think women do that anyway but nurses/midwives are even more sensitive to the fact they may have hurt someone’s feelings.

You were replying to me, no o don’t think that a nurse would take the OPs comments to heart. As almost everyone has said, it’s not the nurses fault.

so I would’ve thought that any nurse reading this would be pleased with the support they got on here.

@Smallwhitebutterfly when my grandma died, my mum had sat with her for two days waiting for the moment. She was persuaded to go home for a rest and a shower. As she opened the door the phone was ringing because grandma had died. The nurse gently explained that sometimes, by leaving, a lived one gives the dying the freedom to pass rather than hang on for them.

I've read it since and it is evidently a thing.

My condolences.

I was replying to someone who was saying people are leaving the nhs due to blame by the public. Another person disagreed & said ‘1 don’t think so’ I was replying to this comment. If I got the wrong end of the stick my bad,
she may not have blamed the nurse to her face but she posted her blame on a public forum, you think nurses don’t read these comments & that it doesn’t effect how it makes them feel.

But the OP didn't do anything of the sort.
She expressed her feelings here, not at the nurse.
It is widely known that (sadly) frontline workers are increasingly subjected to horrible abuse, but that isn't the situation here.

If it's any comfort to you, I've heard and read so often of dying people waiting until relatives left the room to actually die.

My DF did, we had been there hours and he waited for us to go home.

It sounds to all intents and purposes "a good death", peaceful, painless and with someone there caring for him, so I would advise focusing on that, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Having been a frontline worker I can promise you public abuse/ blame played a part in me retiring early. It made me ill.

Just an update my Dad has just died in the hospice it was very quick & he was pain free. I told mom to tell him to go, she did he just stopped fighting. For him it was a good death my mom was saying we have been around death most of our lives we lived in an old peoples home. He was a good dad & husband he will be very missed. After he died my dog wanted to get up on the bed to be with him, she was very good.

I am very sorry for everyone who lost someone on this thread. The posts about losing your children are tugging at my heart. Sorry I can't reply to you all individually.

My dad was at the threshold of death like thus for weeks before passingmYABVU

100% he would have still been aware at the time you came back and known you were there. Hearing is the last thing to go. You didn't miss it, he knew you were there with him. Sorry for your loss op

You cannot predict the end, OP. My Mum had no erratic breathing, no death rattle, no sign of pain. I went home from the hospital the day she died because it seemed like any other day and she died with no warning at all.

It's not the nurse's fault.

Absolutely livid? Your anger is very unfair and misplaced.